Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!" "What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!" Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets. "Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."

"I can't go on like this!" the woman bawled at her husband. "My mother sends us money, my sister buys our kids clothes, and my aunt brings us food. I'm so ashamed." "You should be!" replied the never-do-well. "Your uncles don't give us a damn thing."

IDEALISM:Happy Birthday.CAPITALISM:I shopped all day for your birthday.COMMUNISM:We only celebrate Lenin's birthday.CORPORATE AMERICA:Happy birthday. You're fired.AGNOSTICISM:I'm not sure if it's your birthday or not.ATHEISM:I can't believe it's your birthday.HINDUISM:Holy Cow!Is it your birthday?HINDUISM:Ever get that feeling you've been born before?TAOISM:It's everybody's birthday.BUDDHISM:If your birthday party was held in the forest and nobody came... would it make a sound?CATHOLICISM: Sorry, we need candles for votive purposes.CATHOLICISM:If your parents used birth control, you wouldn't even _have_ a birthday, so there!CATHOLICISM:It's your birthday but you don't deserve a cake or even this greeting card.EPISCOPALIANISM: Tasteful birthday to you! Care for some Dry Sack?LUTHERANISM:I take it on faith it's your birthday. So I don't need to send cards and gifts, right?EXISTENTIALISM:Your birthday means nothing to me.FUNDAMENTALISM: But when is your _spiritual_ birthday?SARCASM:You don't look half bad for someone twice your age.JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES:Knock! Knock!Happy Birthday!MORMONS:Which birthday are we talking about? the spirit world or the current one?QUAKERS:I am moved to wish you a peaceful birthday.UNITARIAN-UNIVERSALISTS:Have any kind of birthday you want.WICCANS:Have the Earth Mother of all birthdays!SATANIC CHURCH OF AMERICA:It's not my birthday, so screw off!GNOSTICS:It's your birthday, but don't tell anyone -- It's a secret!KABBALISTS:Another step on the tree of life? Geez, how many branches up are you?MASONS:I'll wish you a happy birthday, but first -- show me the sign.LEWIS CARROLL:A very happy unbirthday to you!(and you and you and you).

If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of their son in a cap and gown, posed with his father."Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand in my pocket?"

Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his father sat him down for a little fireside chat. He said, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off my trousers and handed them to your mother, and said, 'Here - try these on.' So, she did, and said, 'These are too big,I can't wear them.'So I replied, 'Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will.'Ever since that night, we have never had any problems." "Hmmm," said Jack. He thought that might be a good thing to try, so on his honeymoon, Jack took off his trousers and said to Jill, "Here, try these on." So she did and said, "These are too large, they don't fit me." So Jack said,"Exactly. I wear the trousers in this family, and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that." Then Jill took off her knickers and handed them to Jack and said, "Here, you try on mine. "So he did, and said, "I can't get into your pants." So Jill said, "Exactly. And if you don't change your attitude, you never will."

Jonathan took his college roommate, Jake, home for Easter. After dinner, Jonathan addressed his father (who was a man of the cloth): "Dad, I need to tell you something. Jake and I want to get married and we'd like your blessing." Jonathan's father practically exploded. His face turned red and he was speechless for ten solid minutes. When he finally regained his composure, he replied, "My son, you CANNOT marry Jake. For God's sake, Jon ... he's Jewish!"

Mom

MURPHY'S LAWS FOR PARENTS1. The tennis shoes you must replace today will go on sale next week.2. Leakproof thermoses--will.3. The chances of a piece of bread falling with the grape jelly side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.4. The garbage truck will be two doors past your house when the argument over whose day it is to take out the trash ends.5. The shirt your child must wear today will be the only one that needs to be washed or mended.6. Gym clothes left at school in lockers mildew at a faster rate than other clothing.7. The item your child lost, and must have for school within the next ten seconds, will be found in the last place you look. [By definition]8. Sick children recover miraculously when the pediatrician enters the treatment room.9. Refrigerated items, used daily, will gravitate toward the back of the refrigerator.10. Your chances of being seen by someone you know dramatically increase if you drive your child to school in your robe and curlers.

My uncle once spent days looking for his new hat. Finally, he decided that he'd go to church on Sunday and sit at the back. During the service he would sneak out and grab a hat from the rack at the front door.On Sunday, he went to church and sat at the back. The sermon was about the 10 commandments. He sat through the whole sermon and instead of sneaking out he waited until the sermon was over and went to talk to the minister."Father, I came here today to steal a hat to replace the one I lost. But after hearing your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I changed my mind."The minister said, "Bless you my son. Was it when I started to preach thou shall not steal, that changed your heart?"My uncle responded, "No, it was the one on adultery. When you started to preach on that, I remembered where I left my hat."