Rich texans are fabled for their grand style but when one oil tycoon appeared at a local golf course followed by a servant pulling a foam-cushioned chaise- lounge, his opponents thought that was taking style too far."J.R., are you going to make that poor caddie lug that couch all over the course after you?" he was asked."Caddie, my eye," explained J.R. "That's my psychiatrist."

The big game hunter gets talked into taking both his wife AND her mother along on one of his expeditions.It does not go well. The mother-in-law is, if anything, harder to get along with in the wilds than she was in the city. And to make matters worse, she won't even abide by the simple camp rules designed to keep the safari safe.One night after dinner, the hunter's wife realizes her mother is missing. Panicked, she rushes to her husband and begs him to institute a search.He sighs, and together they set out. But before they've gone far, they hear throaty growling and soon they come upon a small clearing in which the mother-in-law stands, backed up against thick, seemingly impenetrable jungle brush, and facing a huge male lion.The wife whispers urgently, "What are we going to do?""Nothing whatsoever," responds her husband. "The lion got himself into this mess, now let him get himself out of it."

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate. After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left. Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.A nephew who arrived late came running up to Grandma and said, "Hi Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew, "They won't let me fart."

The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, "You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly."On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, "Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?""Yes" the mother answered."And how is your son now?" he asked."Who cares?" she replied.

There was this guy who decided he wanted to live with his gay friends in a nudest colony and so he up and quit his job, and moved. He was really happy until he got a letter from his grandma. She told him he was about to die and wanted a picture of him. He got his friend to take a picture of him, and sice he had no clothes, he cut the picture in half. A few weeks later he received another letter from his grandma telling him he needed to get a haircut because it made his nose look long.... he soon realized he had sent her the wrong half.

The scene was a tiny mountain village in a remote section of West Virginia. An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children. The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and replied, "Judge, when I put a dollar in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

Thirteen things dogs don't understand

This women goes into labor.They rush to the hospital.When they are there, the doctor comes in and tells the husband about the new invention they have He says, "This machine right here makes it easier for the women to have a kid. You strap this to your wrist and the father of the child will feel the pain.Want to give it a try?""Sure, why not."So they strap it to his wrist."We are going to turn it up to 30% to begin with."So they do and the guy feels nothing so they turn it up to 50%.He still can't feel anything so they turn it up to 75%.The guy still feels nothing so they turn it all the way up.The lady has the kid."Man, I didn't feel a thing," said the guy."Ya, me either." Said the wife.Later that day the wife and husband go home.When they get home, they find the milk man dead on the back porch.

This young boy was playing with a dew worm in the yard.His grandfather watching on the porch, yells out to his grandson:"I'll give you $5 if you can shove that worm back into the hole".The boy grabs the slimy, slinky worm and tries to shove it in the hole. After about 5 minutes, the boy runs inside to get a can of hair spray. The young boy sprays the worm stiff, and sticks it in the hole without a problem.The grandfather, amazed, gives the boy a clean crisp 5 dollar bill.The next day, the grandfather goes over to the grandson and hands him another 5 dollar bill, to which the boy enquires "What's this 5 dollar bill for"?The grandfather replies, "Your grandma though it was a pretty good trick too!"

Three mothers were sitting around comparing notes on their exemplary offspring. "There never was a daughter more devoted than my Alice," said Mrs. Davis with a sniff. "Every summer she takes me to the Catskills for a week, and every winter we spend a week at Delray Beach.""That's nothing compared to what my Anna does for me," declared Mrs. Jones proudly. "Every winter she treats me to two weeks in Miami, and in the summer two weeks in the Hamptons, in my own private guest house."Mrs. Smith sat back with a proud smile. "Nobody loves her mother like my Jackie does.Nobody.""So what does she do?" asked the two women, turning to her."Three times a week she gets into a cab, goes to the best psychiatrist in the city, and pays him a hundred and fifty dollars an hour - just to talk about me!"