(Notes pinned to the pillow of a mother who has the flu by a well meaning husband who has inherited the house and kids.)

OLD & NEW CONCERNS FOR THE BABY BOOMERThen: Long hair.Now: Longing for hair.Then: KegNow: EKG.Then: Acid rockNow: Acid reflux.Then: Moving to California because it's cool.Now: Moving to California because it's hot.Then: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents.Now: Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your kids.Then: Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Now: Trying not to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.Then: Seeds and stems.Now: Roughage.Then: Popping pills, smoking joints.Now: Popping joints.Then: Our president's struggle with Fidel.Now: Our president's struggle with fidelity.Then: Paar.Now: AARP.Then: Being caught with Hustler magazine.Now: Being caught by Hustler magazine.Then: Killer weed.Now: Weed killer.Then: Hoping for a BMW.Now: Hoping for a BM.Then: The Grateful Dead.Now: Dr. Kevorkian.Then: Getting out to a new, hip joint.Now: Getting a new hip joint.

Once upon a time, three vampires met in some place in night. Apparently, each one of them was boasting about their vampiric abilities to one another.Vampire A said, "Look at that mansion over there! I can finish all of its inhabitants within 10 minutes!" And so he flew to the mansion, and 9 minutes later, he came back with his mouth filled with blood, looking satisfied with himself.Vampire B then said, "Bah! Look at that village over there! Give me 5 minutes!"He flew to the village, returned at the next 5 minutes, with his mouth filled with dripping red blood.Vampire C then yelled, "Pffft! Look at the TOWN over there! Give me 3 minutes!"He flew to the direction of the town, and one minute later, he returned with his mouth filled with blood.Vampire A and B stared at him with amazement, then immediately asked, "How come you have such speed, friend?"Vampire C pointed at a direction, then asked them, "Do you see a building over there?""Yes!" answered A and B."Well I DON'T!!!"

One day, at a New York Restaurant, a man suddenly called out, "My son's choking! He swallowed a quarter! Help! Please, anyone! Help!"A man from a nearby table stood up and announced that he was quite experienced at this sort of thing. He stepped over with almost no look of concern at all, wrapped his hands around the boy's gonads, and squeezed. Out popped the quarter. The man then went back to his table as though nothing had happened."Thank you! Thank you!" the father cried. "Are you a paramedic?""No," replied the man. "I work for the IRS."

One day,little Mikey comes home from kindergarten for lunch. Not finding his mother in the kitchen, or the living room, he heads upstairs to check her bedroom. He opens the door, and what does he see, but his father, who had also come home for lunch, stripped naked, on top of his mother, also naked, heavily into the act of lovemaking. Not wanting to traumatize the boy, the parents continue as if nothing was wrong. Mikey watches, and after a couple of minutes asks, "Daddy, can I climb on and have a horsie ride?" "Of course, Son, we're a family." So Mikey climbs on and after a few more minutes his mother starts moaning and writhing wildly. "Hang on Dad!", cries Mikey, "this is where the mailman usually falls off!"

One day this little boy went on a bus a sat right behind the bus driver. The little boy kept on saying things like "If my daddy was a elephant and my mommy a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The little boy kept going on using almost all the animals he knew until the bus driver got so p!ssed off that he said, "What if your dad was gay and your mom a prostitute?" And the little boy looked at the bus driver, smiled and said, "I'd be a bus driver!"

One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off thelight when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, willyou sleep with me tonight?"The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't,dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice:"The big sissy."

One Sunday morning Chelsea Clinton burst into the living quarters at the White House and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the greatest hunk in Washington. He lives in Georgetown and his name is Matt." After dinner, the President took Chelsea aside. "Honey, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married a long time. She's a wonderful wife but she's never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Matt is actually your half-brother, and I'm afraid you can't marry him." Chelsea was heartbroken. After eight months, she eventually started dating again. A year later she came home and very proudly announced, "Robert asked me to marry him! We're getting married in June." Again her father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Robert is your half-brother too, honey. I'm awfully sorry about this." Chelsea was furious! She finally decided to go to her mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married," she complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the guy is my half- brother." Hillary just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he says, dear. He's not really your father."

On the first day of school, a first grader handed his teacher a note from his mother. The note read, "The opinions expressed by this child are not necessarily those of his parents."

REDNECK JEDI You might be a Redneck Jedi if..... ==> You ever heard the phrase, "May the force be with y'all." ==> Your Jedi robe is camouflage. ==> You have ever used your light saber to open a bottle of Bud Light. ==> At least one wing of your X-Wings is primer colored. ==> You can easily describe the taste of an Ewok. ==> You have ever had a land-speeder up on blocks in your yard. ==> The worst part of spending time on Dagobah is the dadgum skeeters. ==> Wookies are offended by your B.O. ==> You have ever used the force to get yourself another beer so you didn't have to wait for a commercial. ==> You have ever used the force in conjunction with fishing/bowling. ==> Your father has ever said to you, "Shoot, son come on over to the dark side ... it'll be a hoot." ==> You have ever had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to get the barbecue grill to light. ==> You have a confederate flag painted on the hood of your land-speeder. ==> You ever fantasized about Princess Leah wearing Daisy Duke shorts. ==> You have the doors of your X-wing welded shut and you have to get in through the window. ==> Although you had to kill him, you kinda thought that Jabba the Hutt had a pretty good handle on how to treat his women. ==> You have a cousin who bears a strong resemblance to Chewbacca. ==> You suggested that they outfit the Millennium Falcon with redwood deck. ==> You were the only person drinking Jack Daniels during the cantina scene. ==> If you hear . . . "Luke, I am your father...and your uncle"