A mother had three daughters and, on their wedding, she tells each one of them to write back about their marriage life. To avoid possible embarrassment to their new husbands by openly discussing their love lives, the mother and daughters agree to using newspaper advertisements as a "code" to let the mother know how their love lives are going. The first one gets married and the second day the letter arrives with a single message, simply: "MAXWELL COFFEE HOUSE" Mother got the newspaper and checked the Maxwell Coffee House advertisement, and it says: "Satisfaction to the last drop..." So, Mother is happy. Then the second daughter gets married. After a week, there was a message that reads: "ROTHMAN'S MATTRESSES". So, the Mother looks at the Rothman's Mattresses ad, and it says: "FULL SIZE, KING SIZE" And Mother is happy. Then it was the third one's wedding. Mother was anxious. After four weeks came the message: "BRITISH AIRWAYS" And mother looks into the British Airways ad, but this time she fainted. The ad reads: "THREE TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS."

A mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple's house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door. "What are you doing?" she asked."I'm waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law answered."But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed."This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained."Love dress? But you're naked!""My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute."The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left. On the way home she thought about the love dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.Finally her husband came home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door."What are you doing?" he asked."This is my love dress," she replied."It needs ironing!" he remarked.

A mother was showing her son how to zip up his coat. "The secret," she said, "is to get the left part of the zipper to fit in the other side before you try to zip it up." The boy looked at her quizzically: "Why does it have to be a secret?"

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when the Devil appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, "I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you will make embarrassing sums of money. All I want in exchange is your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, the souls of your parents, grandparents, and parents-in-law, and the souls of all of your friends and law partners." The lawyer thought about this for a moment, then asked, "So, what's the catch?"

A seven year old boy goes to the hospital with his grandmother to visit his grandfather. When they arrive there he runs ahead of his granny and bursts into his grandpa's room. "Grandpa, as soon as Grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog," he shouted. "What for?" asked his grandpa. "Grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland"

"A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: Duh." --Conan O'Brien "In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?" --Warren Hutcherson "If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." --Dick Cavett "I was a vegetarian until I started leaning towards sunlight." --Rita Rudner "Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography." --Paul Rodriguez "When you look at Prince Charles, don't you think that someone in the Royal family knew someone in the Royal family?" --Robin Williams If the president of the USA has to be a natural-born citizen, could a test- tube baby ever be president? --Stephen Wright

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family," said the man. "To show you how much we care for you, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations."The son-in-law interrupted, "I hate factories. I can't stand the noise.""I see," replied the father-in-law. "Well then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.""I hate office work," said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day.""Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?""Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

A weary mother returned from the store, Lugging groceries through the kitchen door. Awaiting her arrival was her 8 year old son, Anxious to relate what his younger brother had done. "While I was out playing and Dad was on a call, T.J. took his crayons and wrote on the wall! It's on the new paper you just hung in the den. I told him you'd be mad at having to do it again." She let out a moan and furrowed her brow, "Where is your little brother right now?" She emptied her arms and with a purposeful stride, She marched to his closet where he had gone to hide. She called his full name as she entered his room. He trembled with fear--he knew that meant doom! For the next ten minutes, she ranted and raved About the expensive wallpaper and how she had saved. Lamenting all the work it would take to repair, She condemned his actions and total lack of care. The more she scolded, the madder she got, Then stomped from his room, totally distraught! She headed for the den to confirm her fears. When she saw the wall, her eyes flooded with tears. The message she read pierced her soul with a dart. It said, "I love Mommy," surrounded by a heart. Well, the wallpaper remained, just as she found it, With an empty picture frame hung to surround it. A reminder to her, and indeed to all, Take time to read the handwriting on the wall.

A woman and her little girl were visitng the grave of the little girl's grandmother.On their way through the cemetary back to the car, the little girl asked, "Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?""Of course not, dear." replied the mother, "Why would you think that?""The tombstone back there said 'Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'"

A woman is in the hospital and just had twins, a boy and a girl. But no one is there with her except her brother. The nurse comes into the room after the delivery and says,"your brother has taken the liberty to name the children." The new mother says,"Oh no. he probably gave them stupid names." The nurse says,"The girls name is Denise." The mother says,"That's not bad, I like it. And the boys?" The nurse says,"The boys name is De-nephew."