If a turtle loses his shell, is it naked or homeless?

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, "Just what the hell you are doing?" "Well," said the guy, "you see, I'm a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just can't help practicing my art!" "That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard!" the guy replied. "I work for the IRS. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn't find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, and I died."St. Peter couldn't deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in.He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well, sir, it was awful," said the second man. "I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartement when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!"St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job."Tell me about the day you died?", he said to the third man in line."OK, picture this, I'm naked, hiding inside a refrigerator...."

It's Saturday morning and John's just about to set off on a round of golf when he realizes that he forgot to tell his wife that the guy who fixes the washing machine is coming around at noon. So John heads back to the clubhouse and phones home. "Hello?" says the little girl's voice. "Hi, honey, it's Daddy," says John. "Is Mommy near the phone?" "No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Fred." After a brief pause, John says, "But you haven't got an Uncle Fred, honey!" "Yes, I do, and he's upstairs in the bedroom with Mommy!" "Okay, then. Here's what I want you do. Put down the phone, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout in to Mommy and Uncle Fred that my car's just pulled up outside the house." "Okay, Daddy!" A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone. "Well, I did what you said, Daddy." "And what happened?" "Well, Mommy jumped out of bed and ran around screaming, then she tripped over the rug and went out the front window and now she's all dead." "Oh, my God! What about Uncle Fred?" "He jumped out of bed too, and he was all scared, and he jumped out the back window into the swimming pool. But he must have forgot that last week you took out all the water to clean it, so he hit the bottom of the swimming pool and now he's dead too." There is a long pause................ "Swimming pool? Is this 555-3097?”

It was a boring Sunday afternoon in the jungle, so the elephants decided to challenge the ants to a game of soccer. The game was going well with the elephants beating the ants ten to nothing, when the ants gained possession of the ball. The ants' star player was dribbling the ball towards the elephants' goal when the elephants' left back came stampeding towards him.The elephant stepped on the little ant, killing him instantly. The referee blew his whistle, stopped the game, and gave the elephant the red card."Oh, my God! They've killed Kenny!" the other ant players screamed."What the hell do you think you're doing? Do you call that sportsmanship, killing another player?" the referee asked the distraught elephant.The elephant cried: "I didn't mean to kill him! I was just trying to trip him!"

Jeff and Mike were killed in an accident and as Jeff arrives at the Pearly Gates, he is met by St. Peter. "Where's my friend Mike?"...Jeff asks the old Saint. St. Peter replies..."Mike wasn't as fortunate as you, instead of Heaven, he went in the other direction." Jeff was deeply concerned by this and asks... "well could I see Mike just one more time?" St. Peter agreed to this, so they walked over to the edge of Heaven and looked down. Jeff notices Mike with a sexy blonde on one side of him and a keg of beer on the other. "I really don't mean to complain"...Jeff says... "but Mike seems to have it pretty nice down in Hell." "Look a little closer"...says St. Peter..."for that keg has a hole in it, the blonde doesn't."

Jesus came to Moses in heaven one day & said, "We've got to do something about this golf thing. No one goes to church any more." "What should we do," Moses asked. "In order to combat this, we've got to know what it is," Jesus said. "Meet me at the golf course tomorrow morning." Next morning they start out on their first round of golf, and they come to a par-5 with a water hazard. Jesus says, "I wonder what Jack Nicklaus would use?" "Probably a five iron, but i think you should use a seven," Moses says. "If he can use a five iron," Jesus replies, "then so can I!" Jesus tees off and the ball goes right in the water. "No problem," Moses says. "I'll go get the ball." He goes to the water, parts it, gets the ball and brings it back. "I STILL think you should use a seven," he tells Jesus. "If jack can use a five then so can i," Jesus retorts. He tees off again and the ball goes right in the water. This time Jesus goes to get it. He walks out onto the water and begins looking for the ball.Meanwhile, another group of golfers comes to the tee. They see Jesus and ask Moses, "Who does that guy think he is? Jesus christ?" "no," Moses says. "He thinks he's Jack Nicklaus."

Once this girl named Mary died in a car crash and went up to heaven.When she got there, there was an angel there.Mary was dumbfounded when she turned around and saw a whole bunch of clocks.Mary asked the angel why were there clocks on the wall. The angel said "Oh the clocks are for all the people that died and the clocks calculate all the sins that person made in his or hers lifetime.So Mary asked where was Abraham Lincoln's? The angel said "Oh it's that one over there, the clock went only 2 times to the right cause he only sined 2 times." "Where's Mother Teresa's?" Mary asked "Well that one is on your left, since she didn't sin, The clocked never moved." "So where's Bill Clinton's clock?" Mary questioned. "Um...I think that one is in Jesus's Workshop. Because I mean ever since the Monica incident, the clock went haywire!"

Once upon a time there was a priest and a nun that were traveling on a camel. On a desert. Then in 3 months the camel dies. So the priest and the nun were stuck with each other alone. The priest find no other way to survive.So he says," I'm going to show you something that you never seen before." So he pulls out his thing and says,"this is my tool of giving life." So the nun says,"really then stick it in the camel so we can get the hell out of here.

One day, two guys decide to take a drive to a local grocery store to get some lunch. On the way to the store they come to an intersection with a stoplight. The light showed red. The man driving went right through the red light. The passenger looked at the driver and screamed, "What the heck are you doing? You're going to get us killed!" Then the driver responded, "Don't worry, my mother always drives like this." So later on, the two guys came to another stoplight and that too was red. The driver sped right through the light. Again the passenger looked at the driver and said, "I thought I told you, you're gonna get us killed! Would you please stop this nonsense!" The driver looked at the passenger and responded, "All right! I get it but I told you My mother drives like this all the time!" Again, the two guys ran into another light. This time in was green. The Driver slammed on his breaks and stopped the car totally. "What the hell are you doing?" The passenger screamed. "This is the third time you almost got us killed. Why did you stop at a green light?""Well, my mother might be coming the other way!".