Two buddies, Bob and Earl, were two of the biggest baseball fans in America.Their entire adult lives, Bob and Earl discussed baseball history in the winter, and they poured over every box score during the season. They went to 60 games a year. They even agreed that whoever died first would try to come back and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven.One summer night, Bob passed away in his sleep after watching the Yankee victory earlier in the evening. He died happy.A few nights later, his buddy Earl awoke to the sound of Bob's voice from beyond."Bob is that you?" Earl asked."Of course it me," Bob replied."This is unbelievable!" Earl exclaimed. "So tell me, is there baseball in heaven?""Well I have some good news and some bad news for you. Which do you want to hear first?""Tell me the good news first.""Well, the good news is that yes, there is baseball in heaven, Earl.""Oh, that is wonderful! So what could possibly be the bad news?""You're pitching tomorrow night."

Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break, about being out late the night before. The first man said," My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed, and not get into trouble." The second deaf man said, " Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me and giving me hell for being out so late." The first deaf man asked, " So what did you do?" "I turned out the light," the second man replied.

Two friends, Sullivan and O'Doule worked together at the Guiness Brewery in Dublin. They hadn't been working there very long when one day, with no warning, O'Doule falls into one of the vats. To make a long story short, Sullivan's lifelong pal drowns. Sullivan, being O'Doule's best friend, feels obligated to go to the widow O'Doule and break the bad news to her. He walks to the house and knocks on the door. When the widow O'Doule answered, he bowed his head respectfully and told her what had happened. "I'm sorry to be the one to tell ye," he said, "but I'm afraid Seamus has fallen into one of the vats at work and has drowned. He's off to meet his maker." "Alas," cried the widow. "The poor man couldn't swim a stroke." "The hell he couln't," replied Sullivan, "He got out three times to take a pee!"

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off.""That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken.We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!""Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up,scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say... About a hundred yards further than last year."

Up in heaven there is a white picket fence.On one side stood GOD on the other side stood Satan and a few of his henchmen.The devilshelpers were kicking holes in the fence.GOD said "if you don't tell them to stop, I'll sue you".Satan started laughing and replied "You think you'll find a lawyer on your side of the fence?"

WARNINGS that should appear on alcohol bottles and over bars

We all know how Cinderella wanted to go to the ball but her wicked stepmother wouldn't let her and then the fairy godmother pops up and gives Cinderella some good news: The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that she will provide for her, everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. Cinderella asks what she needs to do and the fairy godmother replies, "First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella's mouth drops open and says, "You must be crazy! I'm on the pill, and I don't need to wear a diaphragm." The fairy godmother reminds Cinderella about all the handsome princes that will be attending the ball that night, and Cinderella agrees to wear a diaphragm. "Well, what's the second condition?" Cinderella asked. The fairy godmother replies, "You must be back home by 2:00 A.M. Well, Cinderella explains that if she's gonna go party with the princes, she wants to be out all night long. The fairy godmother tells Cinderella that if she's not home by 2 A.M., then her diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin. She goes on to say that at least she'll be with the princes most of the evening, so Cinderella agrees to be home at 2 A.M... At 2 A.M., Cinderella doesn't show up...3 A.M., no Cinderella...4 A.M., no Cinderella...finally, at 5 A.M., Cinderella shows up at the door with a huge grin on her face. The fairy godmother stands up and looks at Cinderella and says, "Where the hell have you been? Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin 3 hours ago!!!" Cinderella tells the fairy godmother that she met a prince and he took care of it for her. The fairy godmother wonders about a prince with this type of power and asks Cinderella his name to which she replies, "I can't remember, but it was Peter Peter something or other...."

When Mother Theresa died she went to Heaven. For a week or two she was fully satisfied that she had to eat only fruits and vegetables, but then one day complained to St.Peter and asked for some cooked meal. - My Dear, - said St.Peter, - and who is going to cook every day for just the three of us?!This Preacher's son asks his father,"Dad, can I have a car?" The preacher replies,", I will get you a car IF you get a haircut." Then his son says,"Dad, Jesus had long hair." "Yeah but he walked everywhere."

When the new patient was settled comfortably on the couch, the psychiatrist began his therapy session."I'm not aware of your problem," the doctor said."So perhaps, you should start at the very beginning.""Of course," replied the patient."In the beginning, I created the Heavens and the Earth..."

When the Son of God was nailed to the cross and died, he went straight down to hell from the cross and set free all the sinners who were there in torment.And the devil wept and mourned, for he thought he would get no more sinners for hell.Then God said to him, "Do not weep, for I shall send you all those who are self-righteous in their condemnation of sinners and hell shall be filled up once more until I return."