Bill Gates dies and goes to hell. Satan greets him, "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be locked up forever." Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving lions. Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a beautiful young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says "I'll take this option." "Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer. "That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best place of all?" "That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole in it and the girl hasn't." "What about the PC?" "It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys." "Which three?" "Control, Alt and Delete."

Bill Gates dies and is up at the pearly gates. St Peter: Well, you've got a choice. Have a look around here. Pop down to Hell and see what Satan has to offer. Check us out, and then let me know your decision. Bill has a look around heaven. Lots of somber people singing hymns, praising the Lord . He goes down to Hell. There are beautiful beaches, lots of sun, sand, attractive women . Long cool drinks that never get you drunk. He loves it. He goes back to St Peter. Gates: Look, I know you're really doing good things here, but Hell seems more with it. More my kind of scene, you know what I mean? No hard feelings, but I pick Hell. St Peter: No worries. You've got it. Bill finds himself back in Hell, neck deep in fire and brimstone, suffering eternal torment. He can't figure it out. Gates: Hey! St Peter! Where are the beautiful girls and long beaches and cool drinks? St Peter: Sorry if you got confused, That was just the demo version

Catholic MathLittle Tommy was ding very badly in math. His parents had tried everything; flash cards, special learning centers, in short, everything they could think of. Finally in a last dash effort, they took Tommy down and enrolled him in the local Catholic school.After the first day, little Tommy comes home with a very serious look on his face. He doesn't kiss his mother hello. Instead, he goes straight to his room and starts studying. Books and papers are spread out all over the room and little Tommy is hard at work. His mother is amazed.She calls him down to dinner and the her shock, the minute he is done he marches back to his room without a word and in no time he is back hitting the books as hard as before.This goes on for sometime, day after day while the mother tries to understand what made all the difference. Finally, little Tommy brings home his report card. He quietly lays it on the table and goes up to his room and hits the books. With great tredpidation, his mom looks at it and to her surprise, little Tommy got an A in math.She can no longer hold her curiosity. She goes to his room and says, Son, what was it?Was it the nuns?Little Tommy looks at her and shakes his head.Well then, she replies, was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms, WHAT was it?Little Tommy looks at her and says, Well, on the first day of school, when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they wern't fooling around.

"Doc, you've gotta help me! My wife just isn't interested in sex anymore. Haven't you got a pill or something I can give her?" "Look, I can't prescribe..." "Doc, we've been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can't think; I can't concentrate; my life is going utterly to hell! You've got to help me." The doctor opens his desk drawer and removes a small bottle of pills. "Ordinarily, I wouldn't do this. These are experimental; the tests so far indicate that they're VERY powerful. Don't give her more than ONE, understand? Just ONE." "I don't know, doc, she's awfully cold..." "One. No more. In her coffee. Okay?" "Um, okay." The guy expresses gratitude and leaves for home, where his wife has dinner waiting. When dinner is finished, she goes to the kitchen to bring dessert. The man hastily pulls the pills from his pocket and drops one into his wife's coffee. He reflects for a moment, hesitates, then drops in a second pill. And then he begins to worry. The doctor did say they were powerful. Then inspiration strikes, he drops one pill into his own coffee. His wife returns with the shortcake and they enjoy their dessert and coffee. Sure enough, a few minutes after they finish, his wife shudders a little, sighs deeply and heavily, and a strange look comes over her. In a near-whisper and a tone of voice he has never heard her use before, she says, "I...need...a man" His eyes glitter and his hands tremble as he replies, "Me...too..."

Einstein dies and goes to heaven only to be informed that his room is not yet ready. "I hope you will not mind waiting in a dormitory. We are very sorry, but it's the best we can do and you will have to share the room with others", he is told by the doorman. Einstein says that this is no problem at all and that there is no need to make such a great fuss. So the doorman leads him to the dorm. They enter and Albert is introduced to all of the present inhabitants. "See, Here is your first room mate. He has an IQ of 180!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss mathematics!" "And here is your second room mate. His IQ is 150!" "Why that's wonderful!" Says Albert. "We can discuss physics!" "And here is your third room mate. His IQ is 100!" "That's Wonderful! We can discuss the latest plays at the theater!" Just then another man moves out to capture Albert's hand and shake it. "I'm your last room mate and I'm sorry, but my IQ is only 80." Albert smiles back at him and says, "So, where do you think interest rates are headed?"

Freddie Mercury, Gianni Versace and Princess Di arrive at the Pearly gates.St Peter explains that only one can get through and that they each have to put forward their case for entry.Freddie says "I know I haven't led a perfect life and I've made some mistakes along the way, but I've made some of the most beautiful music in the world. I'll stand at the back of heaven, and serenade everybody with my wondrous songs, making heaven a far happier place to be""Pretty good, Fred" said St Peter, "what about you Gianni?"Versace says, "I make the most beautiful clothes in the world. I'll completely redesign the fashions up here, from the archangels to the cherubs to the choirboys. As you well know Pete if you look good you will feel good and that will make heaven a much happier place""Not bad" says St Peter. "What about you Di?"Diana doesn't say a word, instead she lifts up her skirt and pulls down her knickers, inserts a full bottle of Evian water into her arse, lets the water shoot up inside her and then gush out all over the floor."Excellent, you're in" says St Peter"Hold on a f*cking minute" says Freddie "She didn't even say anything""Bo!!ocks, Fred you know the rules" says St Peter, "A royal flush beats a pair of Queens every time...."

Giraffe and bunny meet up in the forest. Giraffe, in his usual arrogant way starts up a conversation."So, bunny, do you know how great it is to have such a long neck?" he asks, a faint tone of smugness in his voice."I'm sure I don't," replies bunny, obviously not really that interested."Well, to begin with, when I'm hungry and I chew my beautiful leaves, how can I describe the sensation of the leaves going down my throat....they go down and down and down....it's one hour of sheer pleasure.""Really, how fascinating," replies bunny, one eyebrow raised.Oblivious to bunny's lack of enthusiasm, giraffe continues, "And when I'm thirsty, and I drink water, for a full hour it goes down....and down....and down...It's heaven on earth!""Amazing," comments bunny,"but just one question. Have you ever thrown up?"

Hello.Welcome to this year's public service entrance exam.I see that all of you have been able to find yourself a seat and a desk so obviously you've got what it takes to be public servants. Should you pass this exam and become a member of the public service, you will enjoy not only the esteem and envy of all your friends but also a unique package of fringe benefits, including: an early retirement scheme which allows you to retire while still turning up for work; flexitime which enables you to decide when you don't want to work at work and when you don't want to work away from work; plus free use of government stationery this has been facilitated by the introduction of eight-items-or-less lanes as you leave the building. I must at this stage warn all examinees that anyone found cheating or copying from their neighbour's paper will be automatically assigned to ASIO - regardless of whether they fail the intelligence test. ESPECIALLY if they fail the intelligence test. MATHEMATICS Please answer the following questions in the spaces provided on your answer sheet. 1.If you went to lunch at 12 noon and came back to work at 2.30pm how long have you had for lunch? - the answer is of course, half an hour. 2.If one public servant takes 3 hours to process a 321/L3/MX1 form how long would it take two public servants to process the same form? - the answer is, of course, four hours. For those of you who failed the maths test, you may still be eligible to become Mr Howard's tax policy adviser. MULTIPLE CHOICE 1.If you are about to take your lunchbreak and a female member of the general public comes with an inquiry, you should address her by saying a.Can I help you, madam? b.Can I help you, miss? c.What can I do you for, mate? d.How's tricks, doll-face? The correct answer is:None of the above.This is a trick question. If you are about to take your lunchbreak, you shouldn't talk to her at all. 2.If a member of the general public phones up with a complaint and you realise that the file on this matter has been lost, you should say a.We are looking into the matter b.Can I get back to you on this one? c.The matters have been referred to another committeed.I haven't had a chance to look into it yet. The correct answer is that you should tell them that they have the wrong telephone extension. SPELLING Spell the following words: a.Tea b.Sickie c.Lunchbreak d.Go-slow This is the end of the examination. Please sign your exam paper illegibly and pass it to those collecting them, while denying that you have ever seen or heard anything about it.

"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline. If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6. If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call. If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship. If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press. If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer. If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line. If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969. If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name. If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000. If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."

How do priests make Holy Water?They boil the hell out of it!