Paddy just arrived in America from Ireland on holiday. Now, never having seen a baseball game before, he decides that now would be a good time. So, he goes to the park, and gets himself a bleacher seat.Now, Paddy sees a guy step up to the plate with a stick in his hand. The guy standing on the hump of dirt throws a ball at the guy with the stick, who then *crack* hits the ball and starts running down the side. Everyone around Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"A second guy steps up to the plate, and damn, if the guy on that hump of dirt doesn't throw that ball again. And again, the guy with the stick *crack* hits the ball and runs down the side. And again, everyone around Paddy again, stands and shouts "RUN! RUN!!"Now, a third guy steps up to the plate with a stick in his hands. This time, when the guy on the hump of dirt throws the ball, the guy with the stick doesn't do anything. And the guy squatting behind the guy with the stick tosses the ball back to the guy on the hump of dirt. And Paddy is thinking to himself, "What's happening? Why didn't he hit the ball?" This happens three more times, with Paddy wondering more each time.After the fourth time, the guy with the stick drops the stick and strolls up the side. Now Paddy stands up and shouts "RUN! RUN LIKE HELL!" and the guy sitting next to Paddy says that he doesn't have to run. So Paddy asks him why, and is told that the batter has four balls.So Paddy shouts instead, "WALK WITH PRIDE, MAN! WALK WITH PRIDE!"

Pilot: Pilot to tower. . . pilot to tower. . . I am 300 miles from land. . . 600 feet high and running out of gas. . . please instruct. . . over. Tower: Tower to pilot. . . tower to pilot. . . Repeat after me. . . "Our Father, which art in heaven. . . "

PISTON BROKE One late evening, a redneck named Leroy came out of the local pub a little drunk. He got into his pickup truck and started driving home. He was on a lonely stretch of road when all of a sudden a piston blew right through the engine hood. Leroy gets out of his pickup, angry as 'hell' and kicks the door real hard and starts walking down the lonely road. About 20 minutes later, a pickup truck with a bunch of fellow rednecks riding in the back of the truck came along and stopped. One of the fella's called out, "Hey what's the matter Leroy?" Leroy answers, "Piston-broke!" The same fella calls back, "Ya, we're pissn'd broke too. Get in the truck!"

Political pick-up lines10. "I see the flat tax wouldn't apply to you."9. "Inflation isn't the only thing going up around here."8. "I'd like you to exercise my pocket veto."7. "Could you give my voting lever a little pull?"6. "I said I wanted to keep the government out of the bedroom, but I didn't mean this senator."5. "Hello, my name is Sen. Bob Packwood...."4. "...and have you met my friend Sen. Ted Kennedy?"3. "Would you like to import some fine foriegn salami?"2. "Do you wanna go stuff the ballot box?"1. "I've got an economic stimulus package right here in my pants...er, uh, pocket."

President Clinton and the Pope died on the same day, and due to an administrative foul up, Clinton was sent to heaven and the Pope was sent to hell. The Pope explained the situation to the devil, he checked out all of the paperwork, and the error was acknowledged. The Pope was told, however, that it would take about 24 hours to fix the problem and correct the error. The next day, the Pope was called in and the devil said his good-byes as he went off to heaven. On his way up, he met Clinton who was on his way down. They stopped to chat. "Sorry about the mix up" says the Pope. "No problem," replies Clinton. "Well, I'm really excited about going to heaven." Clinton asks, "Why's that?" "Well, I've always wanted to meet the Virgin Mary."President Clinton replies, "you're a day late".

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question. St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it." The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St.Peter let him through the gate. St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't REALLY need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?" Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie, and answered, "1,228." "That's right!" St. Peter then turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

Reverend Billy Graham tells of a time early in his ministry when he arrived in a small town to preach a sermon.Wanting to mail a letter, he asked a young boy where the post office was.When the boy had told him, Dr. Graham thanked him and said, "If you'll come to the Baptist Church this evening, you can hear me telling everyone how to get to Heaven.""I don't think I'll be there," the boy said."You don't even know your way to the post office."

St. Peter stood at the Pearly Gates, waiting for the incoming. He saw Jesus walking by and caught his attention. "Jesus, could you mind the gate while I go do an errand?" "Sure," replied Jesus. "What do I have to do?" "Just find out about the people who arrive. Ask about their background, their family, and their lives. Then decide if they deserve entry into Heaven." "Sounds easy enough. OK." So Jesus waited at the gates while St. Peter went off on his errand. The first person to approach the gates was a wrinkled old man. Jesus summoned him to the examination table and sat across from him. Jesus peered at the old man and asked, "What was it you did for a living?" The old man replied, "I was a carpenter." Jesus remembered his own earthly existence and leaned forward. "Did you have any family?" he asked. "Yes, I had a son, but I lost him." Jesus leaned forward some more. "You lost our son? Can you tell me about him?" "Well, he had holes in his hands and feet." Jesus leaned forward even more and whispered, "Father?" The old man leaned forward and whispered, "Pinocchio?"

The Ballad Of The Y2K(sing to the tune of "Gilligan's Island")Just sit right back and you'll hear a taleOf the doom that is our fate.That started when programmers usedTwo digits for a dateTwo digits for a dateRAM memory was smaller then;Hard drives were tiny, too."Four digits are extravagant,So let's get by with two.So let's get by with two.""This works through 1999,"The programmers did say."Unless we write new code by thenThe data goes away.The data goes away."But management had not a clue;"It works fine now, you bet!Rewriting code cost money,We won't do it just yet.We won't do it just yet."Now when 2000 rolls aroundIt all goes straight to hell,For zero less then ninety-nine,As anyone can tell.As anyone can tell.The mail won't bring your pension check;It won't be sent to youWhen you're no longer sixty-eightBut minus thirty-two.But minus thirty-two.The problems we're about to faceAre frightening, for sure.And reading every line of code'sThe only certain cure.The only certain cure.[ key change, the big finish coming ]There's not much time, there's too much code,And COBOL-coders, few.When the century is finished,We may be finished, too.

The counselor at the "magnet" school called a boy (Myrddin) into his office before school started."Myrddin, I have some good news and some bad news to relate to you this morning. We've just reviewed all of your personality tests and I'm afraid you have definite homosexual tendencies. And now the good news -- I think you're cute as heck!"