A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25-cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid's testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25-cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word. As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father's thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before -it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?" "Oh, good heavens, no", the man replies, "I work for the IRS."

A minister dies and goes to heaven.Before him is a loudmouth man with a loud shirt, chain pants, and a loud hat. Saint Peter asked the guy what he did for a living. He said "I was the taxi cab driver of moo yawk city. St. Peter hands him a silk robe, and a golden staff.The minister gets up to St. Peter. St. Peter asked the man what he did for a living. He stood up very straight, and spoke in a loud, clear voice "I am John C. Maxwell, bishop of St. Mary's Church. St. Peter hands him a cotton robe, and a regular staff."Why", asked the bishop. You let that taxi cab driver have a silk robe and golden staff but not me? St. Peter said "up here we work by results."St. Peter said "While you preached, people slept, while he drove, people prayed."

An applicant for life insurance was finding it difficult to fill out the application. "What's the trouble?" the salesman asked. The man said that he was reluctant to answer the question about the cause of death of his father. The salesman wanted to know why. With some embarrassment the client explained that his father had been hanged. "Hanged!" The salesman pondered for a moment. "Just write: 'Father was taking part in a public function when the platform gave way.'"

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?" Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake--he should never have gotten down there; send him up here." Satan says, "No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him." God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue." Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

An Englishman, a New Zealander and a South African walk into a bar for a drink. The Kiwi orders a round of Tequila Slammers for the group.They slam and down their drinks in one.The Kiwi then picks the glasses up in one hand and throws them in the air. He draws a pistol and shoots the three glasses before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks "Why did you do that?"The Kiwi replies that because they have so much sand in New Zealand it's easy making glasses so they never have to use the same one twice.The South African then orders three Tequila Slammers and they each slam and down their drink.The South African then picks the glasses up, throws them in the air, draws his gun and shoots them before they hit the ground.The Englishman asks why he did it and like the Kiwi explains that there is so much sand in South Africa that glass can be easily made which means never having to drink out of the same glass twice.So the Englishman orders three Tequila Slammers. Each one duly is slammed and downed. The Englishman then pulls out his gun and shoots the Kiwi and the South African.A man runs up and asks "Why the hell did you shoot them?" He replies "Well I'm from Earls Court where there are thousands of 'em. So it means I never have to drink with the same ones twice."

Arthur Davidson, inventor of the Harley Davidson motorcycle corporation, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in heaven." Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God." So Arthur asked God " Hey, aren't you the inventor of woman?" God said, "ah, yes." "Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention: 1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion. 2. It chatters constantly at high speeds. 3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much. 4. The intake is placed way to close to the exhaust. 5. The maintenance costs are outrageous." "Hmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "hold on." so God went to his celestial super computer, typed in a few words, and waited for the results. The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it. "Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God tells Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours".

A woman had two female parrots who were always yelling, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One day, she was talking to her Preacher about this. He said he had two male parrots and all they did was read the Bible. He thought perhaps they would be a good influence on the two females. So they put the four parrots together. So, the females yelled at the male parrots, "We're prostitutes, wanna have a little fun?" One male parrot said to the other, "Put the Bibles away! We've made it to heaven!"

Betty & Tim were killed in an auto accident on the eve of their wedding. When they reached the pearly gates, St Peter met them.They asked if they could still be married in Heaven."Well, let me find out if this is possible. Stay there and I will be right back.'Six months passed and finally Peter returned. "Yes, we can do this for you."The couple replied, "Well as we have spent so much time together waiting for your answer, we need to know that if things don't work out, is there a possibility that we could be divorced if the marriage doesn't work out?"To this St Peter answered, "It took me six months to find a priest up here... how long do you think it will take me to find a lawyer!"

Bill Clinton is in an elementary class and is trying to teach the students what a tragedy is. He asks if anyone knows. One kid stands up and says, "I know. If I was in the street and got hit by a car, that would be a tragedy." Clinton says, "No son, that would be an accident." Another kid stands up and says," I know. If we all were on a field trip and the bus went flying over a cliff, that would be a tragedy." Again, Clinton says, "No son, that would be a great loss." The children are silent and then one kid stands and says, "If you and Mrs. Clinton were on Air Force One and it just all of a sudden blew up and you both died, that would be a tragedy." Clinton thinks and then asks, "Now why would you think that is a tragedy?" The kid replies, "Well, because it definately wouldn't be an ACCIDENT and it sure as hell wouldn't be a GREAT LOSS!"

Bill Gates dies. Goes to St. Peter. St. Peter says, "we don't know where to send you. You've been both good and bad. So, we decided to let you decide between heaven and hell." Gates says, "can I preview them first?" St. Peter allows a preview, and off they go to hell. In hell, they are on a beach with lots of bikini clad women. Gates likes this. Then off to heaven. There, the angels are lying on clouds playing thier harps. Gates tells St. Peter, "This is nice, but a little dull. I liked hell better. Can I go to hell?" St. Peter agrees and sends him back down to hell.Three weeks later, St. Peter decides to go check on Gates. When he arrives in hell, there is Bill Gates tied to a stake, surrounded by fire, and being wiped and beaten by angry people. Gates yells to St. Peter, "Help me. Help me. Where are the bikini clad women?This is not what I wanted." St. Peter replies, "Oh, that was the screen saver."