A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater. When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The man groaned but didn't budge. The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager." Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?" "Sam," the man moaned. "Where ya from, Sam?" With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."Send this joke

A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

A man returns to the U.S. from Africa feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital, to undergo a barrage of extensive tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings."This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely nasty virus, which is extremely contagious!""Oh my gosh," cries the man. He's in a panic now. "What are you going to do, doctor?""Well we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread.""Will that cure me?" asked the man hopefully.The doctor replied, "Well no, but ... it's the only food we can get under the door."

A man sees a woman joging down the street while throwing back her arms, pushing her chest out and repeating "I must, I must, increase my bust. Totally puzzled by this the man stops her. MAN: Why are you doing that. WOMAN: My doctor told me that doing this exercise and repeating I MUST, I MUST, INCREASE MY BUST, would help me get bigger boobs. MAN: It's wasn't doctor Simpson by any chance was it. WOMAN: Yes, but how did you know that. MAN: Oh well, I've been to him too. WOMAN: Really, what for. MAN: Hickory dickory dock ....

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women." "So, what's your problem?" "I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

A man walks into a doctors office. He says, "Doctor, I'm suffering from silentgas emissions. All day at work, I have these silent gas emissions. Last nightduring a movie, I had 10 silent gas emissions. This morning in the car on theway to your office, I had five silent gas emissions. And while waiting in yourwaiting room I had three silent gas emissions. Right now, as a matter of fact,I've just had two more."The doctor replied, "Well, the first thing we're going to do is check is yourhearing!"

A man was getting ready for work one morning when his wife looked at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." He replied that he felt great. The man went to work where his boss took one look at him and said, "What is the matter with you? You look terrible." The man replied thatthere was nothing wrong with him and that he felt great. The man went to lunch with a client and the client looked at him and said, "What isthe matter with you? You look terrible." The man again replied that he felt great.The client suggested he go to the doctor right away because he looked so bad. The man went to the doctor, and when the doctor walked into theexamining room and saw him the doctor said, "My god, you look terrible."The man explained that everyone was telling him that he looked terriblebut that he felt great. The doctor said, "Are you sure you feel great?" The man reiterated thathe definitely felt great! The doctor got out his medical book andlooked up "looks terrible". After he found that he looked up thesubsection "feels great". The doctor said, "I found it right here under 'looks terrible, feelsgreat'. The man, at this point very nervous, inquired to the doctor,"Tell me, what is it?" The doctor replied, "According to my book... you're a vagina!"

A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said that the cost would be $3500 for small, $6500 for medium, and $14,000 for large. The man was sure he wanted a large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision. The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking quite dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen."

A man was seen fleeing down the hall of the hospital just before his operation. "What's the matter?" he was asked. He said, "I heard the nurse say, 'It's a very simple operation, don't worry, I'm sure it will be all right." "She was just trying to comfort you, what's so frightening about that?" "She wasn't talking to me. She was talking to the doctor."

A man went to the doctor complaining of insomnia. The doctor gave him a thorough examination, found absolutely nothing physically wrong with him, and then told him, "Listen, if you ever expect to cure your insomnia, you just have to stop taking your trouble to bed with you." "I know," said the man, "but I can't. My wife refuses to sleep alone..."