Perhaps you've heard of the man who thought he was dead? In reality he was very much alive. His delusion became such a problem that his family finally paid for him to see a psychiatrist. The psychiatrist spent many laborious sessions trying to convince the man he was still alive. Nothing seemed to work. Finally the doctor tried one last approach. He took out his medical books and proceeded to show the patient that dead men don't bleed. After hours of tedious study, the patient seemed convinced that dead men don't bleed. "Do you now agree that dead men don't bleed?" the doctor asked. "Yes, I do," the patient replied. "Very well, then," the doctor said. He took out a pin and pricked the patient's finger. Out came a trickle of blood. The doctor asked, "What does that tell you?" "Oh my goodness!" the patient exclaimed as he stared incredulously at his finger ... "Dead men do bleed!!"

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him that she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by, and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and said, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the hospital emergency room. The head medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs; two without."

Bernard, a 72 year old, is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but Sarah, his wife, persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. Bernard returns home, and Sarah says, "So? What did the doctor say?" "The doctor says I got a flucky." "Oh, heavens! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?" "I don't know - he didn't say, and I forgot to ask." Well, by this time Sarah is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbours, "My Bernard was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!" Neighbour #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied ice. Ice is the best thing for a flucky." Neighbour #2 says, "What are you talking about? Ice is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky." Cold, heat! Now thoroughly agitated, Sarah decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?" "I told him - nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."

After a few years of married life, a man finds that he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him: "This is all in your mind," and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits, the shrink confesses: "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor. The witch doctor says: "I can cure this." He throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke. The witch doctor says: "This is powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '1-2-3' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor: "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says: "All you or your partner has to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says: "1-2-3" and suddenly he gets an erection. His wife turns over and says: "What did you say '1-2-3' for?"

After a few years of married life, this guy finds that he is unable to perform in bed anymore. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works. Finally the doctor says to him "this is all in your mind", and refers him to a psychiatrist. After a few visits to the shrink, the shrink confesses, "I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured." Finally the psychiatrist refers him to witch doctor. The witch doctor tells , "I can cure this", and throws some powder on a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke........ The witch doctor says, "This is powerful healing but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!" The guy then asks the witch doctor "What happens when it's over?" The witch doctor says "all you have to say is '1234' and it will go down. But be warned it will not work again for a year!" The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news....... So, he is lying in bed with her and says "123", and suddenly he gets a massive erection. His wife turns over and says "What did you say '123' for?

A guy and his wife enter the hospital and explain to the doctors that she is about to give birth. They take her into a room and a few minutes later, the doctor comes out and tells the guy, "Your baby is OK but it looks like he'll be born without a leg." He goes back into the room and about 20 minutes later he comes back out and says to the guy, "I have bad news, the baby is gonna be born with no legs, no arms and no nose." The guy is very upset but says, "At least he's alive." The doctor goes back into the room. The guy is getting impatient and after about an hour the doctor hears the guy calling him. The doctor back out and says to the guy, "I have very bad news, the baby is just an ear." The guy, who is distraught by now, says almost jokingly, "At least it couldn't get any worse." The doctor then says, "Yes it can, he's also deaf.

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours. The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?" The doctor replied, "It'll keep the sheets off his legs."

A guy falls asleep on the beach for several hours and gets a horrible sunburn. He goes to the hospital and is promptly admitted after being diagnosed in the emergency room with second-degree burns. He was already starting to blister and in agony. The doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline and a sedative and a Viagra pill every four hours.The nurse, rather astounded, said, "What good will Viagra do him?"The doctor replied, "It will keep the sheets off his legs."

A guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor says,"Well sir,I have bad news and I have worse news". The guy says, "well gimme the worst news first". The doc says, "well sir you have Cancer". The guy says "that's terrible news, but whats the bad news?" The doc says "well sir, you also have Alzheimers disease". "Well", answers the guy, "at least I don't have Cancer".

A guy is walking past a high, solid wooden fence at the insane asylum and he hears all the residents inside chanting, "Thirteen! Thirteen! Thirteen!" He continues walking along the long fence, but, being a curious person, he can't help but wonder why they are chanting "Thirteen!" over and over. Could it be that they are chugging beer? Are they perhaps taking turns beating one of the inmates? Maybe they are counting the number of patients that have leapt off of the roof thus far.