Al Gore and George W. Bush found themselves in the same barbershop at the same time, seated side by side, getting the works. Their barbers finished shaving the two presidential candidates right about the same time and each barber reached for some after shave to slap on their customers' faces. Bush shouted, "Hey, don't put that $#!& on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse." Gore said calmly to his barber, "Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like."

A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor I have this problem with wind, but it really doesn't bother me too much because they never smell and are always silent." "As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office." The doctor says, "I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week." The next week the lady goes back to his office. "Doctor," she says, "I don't know what you gave me, but now my farts, although still silent, stink terribly!" The doctor says, "Good, Now that we've cleared up your sinuses, let's work on your hearing."

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins." "What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team." The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets." "Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence", he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation." An hour later, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply. "Don't tell me, another coincidence", said the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!" After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness. The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?" "Yes," says the man, "I'm okay now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

A patient was waiting for some results from his doctor. When the doctor arrives he says, "I have some good news and some bad news which do you want first." The patient says, "Give me the bad news first!" Doctor replies, "You've got AIDS." "Oh, no! What could be worse than that?" asks the patient. "You've also got Alzheimer's Disease." Looking relieved the patient says, "Oh...Well, that's not so bad. At least I don't have AIDS."

A man comes to the doctor and says: "Doc, no matter what i do in bed i can't satisfy my wife".So the doctor sends him to the old train-station, where he is to find a very well-built guy that can help him.And so, the man goes there, finds the big guy and asks him for help.The guy says: "No problem, sir. You see this banana-skin? Invite me to your house while you are having sex, and i will wave it at you and your wife during the whole time. I promise you that she will reach satisfaction in no time".So, they head off to the man's house. When the woman opens the door, he asks her to go to bed, cause they are going to have some great sex. And so they begin, and the big man is waving the banana-skin. After 30 minutes, still the wife doesn't reach satisfaction."Give it to me, i will wave and you will have the sex", says the man angrily.Ans so, he starts waving, and the big guy is having sex with the wife. After exactly two mintues, she reaches her peack."You see, you Idiot", says the man to the big-guy with rage, "this is how you are supposed to wave a banana!".

A man goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. He hasn't been feeling well and wants to find out if he's ill. After the checkup the doctor comes out with the results of the examination. "I'm afraid I have some bad news. You're dying and you don't have much time," the doctor says. "Oh no, that's terrible. How long have I got?", the man asks."10..." says the doctor. "10? 10 what? Months? Weeks? What?!" he asks desperately."10...9...8...7..."

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?""I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?""Oh.. Half a pack a day.""Starting NOW, no more smoking." The man agrees.The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?""Oh, well Doc, not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while.""Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.The doctor asks, "How do you eat?""Oh, well, you know, Doc, normal stuff.""Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?""Do you want to live long?""Yes.""Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?""Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly."As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. None."The man is appalled. "Doc... Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?""I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"

A man goes to the hosital because he is having pains in his stomach. He tells the doc what is wrong and the doc says "You have constipation, you will need to take one of these suppository's every 6 hours for a week. I can help you with the first one." So, reluctantly, the man drops his pants, bends over, and the doc shoves it in. Later, at home, he is having a little trouble inserting the next one, so he asks his wife for help. He tells her what to do, drops his pants and bends over. She then puts one hand on his shoulder and starts pushing it in. "Damn!" the guy screams, "What? Did I hurt you?" his wife replies. "No," said the man "But I just realized something...the doctor put 2 hands on my shoulders!!!"

A man is having terrible headaches. He can't sleep, eat, think, or do much of anything because of the pain. Several doctors examined him and couldn't determine the cause of his problem. He finally went to one of the top neurological specialists in the country who examines him and says, "I've found the cause of the pain. Your testicles are pushing up into your spine. The constant pressureon the spine causes the headaches. The only thing I can do is perform surgery and remove your testicles." The man is shocked to hear this but the decision is not difficult as he know he cannot stand the pain of the headaches. He has the surgery and immediately fells like a new man. The pain is completely gone and he feels like he has a new life. He is so happy he decides to buy himself a new suit. He goes to a small men's shop and tells the old tailor that he wants to buy a suit. "Sure," says the tailor. "You're a 42 long, right?" "Wow, how did you know?" says the man. "Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things" said the tailor." The tailor brought the man a suit that fit perfectly. It looked so good that the man decided to buy a new shirt to go with it. "16, 34, right?" said the tailor. "Right again!" said the man. "You're amazing." "Hey, I've been in this business a long time. You learn a few things". The tailor brought a shirt and tie and they looked great. The man said, "Hey, let's go for broke. Give me a pair of the silk boxers too." The tailor said, "36 right?" "I'm disappointed," said the man. "But 2 out of 3 is still good. I wear size 34 boxers." The tailor said, "Hey, I've been in this business for a long time and I think you need 36." The man replied, "It's obvious you know your business but I've worn size 34 for as long as I can remember. I'm going to have to disagree with you on this one". "Hey look," said the tailor, "I'll sell you whatever you want. But I've been in this business a long time. If you wear a size 34 it's gonna push your nuts up into your spine and give you terrible headaches."

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth. A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?" Embarrassed the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands." He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?" Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands." The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so she marched over to inquire what was wrong. "Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?" Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his member out of the way, had a good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced, "Nothing is wrong with them!!!" At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???