A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.""My darling," he replied, "think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks, "Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?" The mother replies, "Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand". "OK" said the son. A few minutes later the son asks, "Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?" "They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert", the camel mother answers. "Thanks Mom" replies the son. After a short while, the son returns and asks, "Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??" The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies, "They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods." "That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water, but... Mom?" "Yes son?" "Why the heck are we in the San Diego zoo?"

An eldarly couple go to the Doctor. The man complains that when they have sex, the first time is OK but during the second time he sweats like a pig. The Doctor asks the wife if she has any idea why her husbands sweats like that. "That's obvious", she answers. "The first time we have sex is in the winter, the second time is in the summer".

An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you can hear again."The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"

An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examinationthe same day so they could travel together. After the examination, thedoctor then said to the man: "You appear to be in good health. Do youhave any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?""In fact, I do," said the man. "After I have sex with my wife thefirst time, I am usually hot and sweaty. And then, after I have sexwith my wife the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.""This is very interesting," replied the doctor. "Let me do someresearch and get back to you." After examining the elderly lady, thedoctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medicalconcerns that you would like to discuss with me?"The lady replied that she had no questions nor concerns. The doctorthan asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that heis usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you andcold and chilly after the second time.... "Do you know why?""Oh that old buzzard!" she replied. "That's because the first time isusually in July and the second time is usually in December."

Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves. One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities." St. Peter said, "You can enter." The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves." St. Peter also invited him in. The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care." St. Peter said, "You can come in, too." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to Hell."

An Italian doctor was having an affair with his nurse. Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there. "But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked. He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write "spaghetti" on the back. I'll take care of the child's expenses." Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home, I will explain it to you." Later that evening the doctor came home, read the postcard, and fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read: "Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. "Two with sausage and meatballs, two without."

Heard over the hospital public address system: Due to a mix up in Urology, no apple juice will be served this morning.

Announcement: the Mental-Illness-of-the-Month Club is being disbanded immediately. The reasons being:

An old man decided his old wife was getting hard of hearing. So he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked.The Doctor said he could see her in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple, informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the dimensions of the problem."Here's what you do. Start about 40 feet away from her, and speak in a normal conversational tone and see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."So that evening she's in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room, and he says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens.""Honey, what's for supper?" No response.So he moves to the other end of the room, about 30 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.So he moves into the dining room, about 20 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?" No response.On to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?". No response.So he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?""For the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!!!!"