An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, "When I die, put this in my coffin." The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man handed him another $30,000; Mr. Brown simply repeated himself. His pastor walked out searching the possibilities and told the lawyer that his client was ready for him. The lawyer walked in expecting that his client would want to review his will. To his surprise, Mr. Brown handed him another $30,000 and calmly repeated himself. Later that night, Mr. Brown passed on. 3 days later his lamenting family members set up a small funeral in his honor. The lawyer, the doctor, and the pastor all showed up. After the funeral, they gathered and discussed what they did with the small fortunes so simply handed to them. The doctor spoke up with a look of defeat on his face, "I was going to return the money, but that poor little girl could not afford the operation." The pastor spoke up with a similar look, "I was going to return the money, but we were so close to the price of the new sanctuary." The lawyer spoke up with the look of triumph on his face, "I knew that ya'll would fail, so I wrote a check for $90,000 to cover all of our debt."

£10,000 worth of devices were stolen from an apple store last night. Police are hopeful that the 3 phones will be found.

0 to 200 in 6 seconds A couple of weeks before my wife's birthday she pulls me aside and explains, "For my birthday I would like to see something that goes from 0 to 200 in the driveway." Well, I stand there thinking for awhile and it hits me! I buy it, have it wrapped with a big bow. On her birthday she comes out and sees it all wrapped and beautiful. She rips the wrapping off and....it's a scale. Incidentally, does anyone have a couch for me to crash on for awhile?

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! 5. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. 7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! 11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? 12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 14. I pay your salary! 15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? 16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. 19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. 20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum! 22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

1. The water proof towel2. Solar powered flash light3. Sumberrine screen door4. A book on how to read5. Inflatable dart board6. A dictionary index7. Ejector seat in a helicopter8. Powdered water9. Pedel powered wheel chair10. Water proof tea bags

1.Yo mama is so poor that she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list.2. Yo mamas so poor that i found in the dumpster and asked her what she was doing. She said "Christmas shopping."3. Yo mama is so poor that she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum. 2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?A. '66 Ford Fairlane B. '69 Chevrolet Chevelle C. '64 Pontiac GTO 3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many radiators are required to condense the product? 4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 trees per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14". How many Budweiser tall-boys will it take to cut the trees? 5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12 simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer? 6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine at 24 inches on center with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet. The porch floor is 1" thick rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed? 7. A man owns an Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land? 8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain? For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have mufflers and uncracked windshields? 9. A coal mine operates an NFPA class 1, division 2 Hazardous Area. The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will be smoked during the shift? 10. At a reduction in gene pool variability rate of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town that has been bypassed by the interstate to breed a country-western singer?

1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin a cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337

1. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bathe the children until it is cleared.2. I want some repairs done to my stove as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.3. This is to let you know that there is a smell coming from the man next door. 4. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is running away from the wall.5. I request your permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.6. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.7. Will you please send someone to mend our cracked sidewalk. Yesterday my wife tripped on it and is now pregnant.8. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny color and not fit to drink.9. Would you please send a man to repair my downspout. I am an old page pensioner and need it straight away.10. When the workmen were here they put their tools in my wife's new drawers and made a mess. Please send men with clean tools to finish the job and keep my wife happy.