Zlatan Facts 1. When Zlatan crosses the street, cars look both ways. 2. Zlatan doesn't have hair on his testicles because hair can't grow on steel 3. You can't use 'Zlatan' as your password because it is 'too strong'. 4. Zlatan wakes up his alarm clock every morning. 5. Ghosts sit around camp fires & tell each other Zlatan stories. 6. Zlatan doesn't make left turns, because everything he does is right. 7. Zlatan once went skydiving and his parachute failed to open, so he took it back the next day for a refund. 8. When Zlatan works out he doesn't get stronger, the machine does. 9. Zlatan and Superman once had a race. The loser had to start wearing his underwear over his trousers. 10. Zlatan went to school so he could be studied. 11. Cameras can't take pictures of Zlatan, nothing takes anything from Zlatan. 12. Zlatan can rip a page out of Facebook . 13. Zlatan once killed two stones with one bird. 14. There used to be a street in Sweden named after Zlatan but it had to be changed because nobody crosses Zlatan and lives. 15. Zlatan was approached to star in Mission Impossible. But he refused because he found the title insulting.

Zolota Rybka: Golden Fish Ukrainian Joke One day a Ukrainian and a Russian are out fishing, when the Russian got a tug on his line. He struggled to bring it ashore and saw it was the Golden Fish. The fish told him "I will give each of you two wishes if you throw me back." The Two fellows agreed. The Russian went first, "I wish that only **real** Russians were in Russia. Men with Slovic blood and vodka flowing through their veins. My second wish is that you build a huge cement wall all the way around our beautiful land so no foreigners can set foot on our holy soil." The Golden fish made it so. He then turned to the Ukrainian. The Ukrainian looked at him innocently but confidently said, "Mr. Fish we Ukrainians are simple folk. For this reason I only need one wish, but tell me, in Russia there are only Russians, right?" The Golden fish nodded. "And there is a huge wall surrounding all their land?" Again, nodding in affirmation. "Alright, just fill it full of water then."

Zombie Apocalypse has begun... Man, it's hectic out there. I've killed like 6 zombies already. How's everyone else holding up? Anyone know why they all have bags of candy?

We all know that a good old fashioned zombie says "Braaaaiiiiins!" But what would these zombies say? A Vegan Zombie - "Graaaaaiiiiins!" A 1940's Mobster Zombie - "Daaaaaaames!" A Michael Jordan Zombie - "Haaaaaayynes!" A Vampire Zombie - "Veeeeeeeiiiiins!" A Masochistic Zombie - "Paaaaaiiiiiins!" A Maid Zombie - "Staaaaaiiiins!"

Zombies are categorically asexual as they are more interested in taking head than giving head.

Zoo A man walks into a zoo. The only animal in the entire zoo is a dog. It's a shitzu.

Zoo Two policeman on patrol see a man walking with a Gorilla. Of course, they stop to inquire. They ask, "So Buddy, what's up with the Gorilla?" The man replies, "I'm taking to the Zoo." Cops say "OK" be on your way. A day later the cops see the same man and gorilla....They stop. "Sir" the officer directs. "We saw you yesterday and thought you were taking him to the Zoo?" "I did", the man replies, "But today, I'm taking him to the movies."

Last time my friend went to the zoo, he got in trouble for feeding the monkeys... ...to the lions.

A guy responds to a job position at the city zoo. The ad mentioned the salary but not what he would be doing. He soon learns that the zoo's gorilla had unexpectedly passed away. The zoo had just spent millions on promotions that focused on the gorilla, and now they needed a gorilla. The guy really needed the job and the money was good so he accepted. Every day, he would put on the gorilla suit, hang out in his cage, and be the gorilla. After a while, he started enjoying himself. He would scare little kids, roar at the crowds, and eat bananas. As time wore on, he became the main attraction at the zoo. He would swing on his trees and vines, and the people loved him. One particularly busy Saturday, he was swinging around and accidentally swung over his fence and landed in the lion's cage. The lion slowly opened his eyes and saw the gorilla. The lion began to talk. The lion, now drooling and wide awake, slowly approached the gorilla that was backed up against the fence. The lion was ready to jump. The gorilla started yelling, "Help! Help! I'm not a gorilla. I'm a man! Help, help!" Then the lion said, "Shut up, stupid, or we'll both get fired!"

Zoo... I went to the zoo and saw a loaf in a cage. A sign read: "Bread in captivity."