1. Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.2. Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.3. The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."4. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.5. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What Is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.

1.Yo mama is so poor that she has to chase down the garbage truck with a shopping list.2. Yo mamas so poor that i found in the dumpster and asked her what she was doing. She said "Christmas shopping."3. Yo mama is so poor that she tried to use food stamps on a gumball machine.

1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer. 2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in. 3. Aren't you that guy from the Village People? 4. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job! 5. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on COPS? 6. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop. 7. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead. 8. Bad cop! No donut! 9. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you? 10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too! 11. Excuse me...is stick up hyphenated? 12. Wow, you look just like the guy in the picture on my girlfriend's nightstand. 13. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's? 14. I pay your salary! 15. So, uh, you on the take, or what? 16. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence. 17. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does. 18. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are. 19. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist. 20. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control. 21. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum! 22. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?

1. Only in Canada......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance. 2. Only in Canada......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink. 3. Only in Canada......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front. 4. Only in Canada.....do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke. 5. Only in Canada......do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters. 6. Only in Canada......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage. 7. Only in Canada......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place. 8. Only in Canada......do we buy hot dogs in packages of twelve and buns in packages of eight. 9. Only in Canada.....do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: 'Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'. 10. Only in Canada......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo playing geek in 'Deliverance') 9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (I don't want to do my dad.) 8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest dork I've ever laid eyes on.) 7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.) 6. I've got a boyfriend. (I prefer my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's.) 5. I don't date men where I work. (I wouldn't date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.) 4. It's not you, it's me. (It's you.) 3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.) 2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.) 1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and lay. It's the male perspective thing.)

10. God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions. 9. God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote. 8. God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would, therefore, need Eve to go get one for him. 7. God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctor's, dentist, or haircut appointment for himself. 6. God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb. 5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing. 4. As "Keeper of the Garden," Adam would never remember where he left his tools. 3. Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden. 2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone!" And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve... 1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head, and said, "Ok, I can do better than THAT!".

100,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention. The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?" A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?" After 15 or 20 seconds she says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 80,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!" The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?" After nearly 30 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?" The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 80,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!" The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than damage, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?" The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?" Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 80,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"

1000 Years. Three men arrive at the gates of heaven, St. Peter looks upon them and says "Though you are all good men, you have sins to absolve before i can let you enter the great kingdom!" So St. Peter takes them off to purgatory. The first man had an addiction to sex. St. Peter took this man to a room, inside were hundreds of women fully nude. The man runs in the room excited as can be as St. Peter says " Ill be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson." The second man was a serious alcoholic. St. Peter takes this man to his room and inside there was an endless supply of every type of alcohol imaginable. St. Peter says again, "Ill be back in 1000 years to see of you've learned your lesson." The third man was a chronic pothead. St. Peter takes him to his room, which is filled with endless amounts of marijuana, bongs, and pipes. St. Peter again says, " I'll be back in 1000 years to see if you've learned your lesson." 1000 years pass and St. Peter returns to the first room, the sex addict inside is so releived, and repents. St. Peter allows him into heaven. The alcohol speeds out the door as St. Peter opens it. He begs for forgiveness and is allowed in. St. Peter opens the potheads door only to find him joint in one hand pipe in the other, rocking feverishly. The pothead looks up at St. Peter shaking and says " You got a light, man?"

100 camels A man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home.

US tourists, a man and his wife are traveling in the Middle East. An Arab approaches the husband, saying, "I'll give you 100 camels for your woman." After a long silence, the husband says, "She's not for sale." The indignant wife says, "What took you so long to answer?" The husband replied, "I was trying to figure out how to get 100 camels back home."