Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus? Prostitutes Appeal to Pope Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax Miners Refuse to Work after Death Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant Stolen Painting Found by Tree Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years

Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One War Dims Hope for Peace Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures Enfields Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge Deer Kill 17,000 Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Man Minus Ear Waives Hearing Deaf College Opens Doors to Hearing Air Head Fired Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training Include your Children when Baking Cookies

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction New Vaccine May Contain Rabies Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies Teacher Strikes Idle Kids Soviet Virgin Lands Short of Goal Again Iraqi Head Seeks Arms Farmer Bill Dies in House Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board

What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; if ATC screws up, the pilot dies.

Why do birds fly south for the winter? Because it's too far to walk. What do you call a bright, sunny day that comes after two cold, cloudy days? Monday. A snake slithers into a bar. The barman says, "I can't serve you, you obviously can't hold your drink." Which side of a chicken has the most feathers? The outside. Two parrots on a perch. One says, "Do you smell fish?" An eel slithers into a bar. The barman says, "I can't serve you, you're legless."

Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun. Lead me not into temptation...I can find the way myself. The mind is like a parachute; it works much better when it's open. Jury: Twelve people who determine which client has the better attorney. Miracles are performed every day, the impossible takes longer. Never knock on Death's door: ring the doorbell and run (he hates that).

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Mary had a little lamb, fries and a coke.

A friend in need . . . . . .is a damn nuisance.