Q: Why were the British fighting us in the war of 1812? A: Because they were done beating up the French, and they needed someone new to pick on.

At the 1980 Olympics, Brezhnev begins his speech. "O!" - applause. "O!" - more applause. "O!" - yet more applause. "O!" - an ovation. "O!!!" - the whole audience stands up and applauds. An aide comes running to the podium and whispers, "Leonid Ilyich, that's the Olympic rings, you don't need to read it!"

When Yeltsin resigned from the Communist Party at the 28th Party Congress, people used to say that "Yeltsin is out of mind,... honour, and conscience of our epoch". (A hint at a widespread propaganda slogan: "Party is Mind, Honour and Conscience of our Epoch")

When is a pencil not a pencil? When it's on a Pentagon shopping list - then it's a "portable hand-held communications inscriber", says a Republican senator.

The European union has decided the only way to avoid Greece defaulting on its debts is to replace the government and civil service with 300 Spartans !

It is amazing how politicians can fit all their good points in a 30 second TV commercial.

"The fact that the GDR considers itself as one of the 5 technologically most advanced power of the nations may be be given to the fact that there are only 5 fingers on a hand. " University lecture in Hungary in the 70s

Two men were running for the same seat in their state senate. The two men had just finished meeting for lunch in a restaurant. Said the first man "I'm going to win the election because I put in a personal touch. For example, I left the waiter a ten dollar tip so that he would vote for me." "That's nothing," replies the second man to the first, "I left the waiter a 5 cent tip, and told him that I was your campaign manager."

Abramovich was sentenced to 5 years, served 10, then fortunately was paroled before he served the rest of his sentence.

Dubya Quotes "If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush "Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush "Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush "Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94 "The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history. I mean in this century's history. But we all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95 "I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98 "One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93 "Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96 "I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush "The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97 "People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush "I stand by all the misstatements that I've made." ...Governor George W. Bush to Sam Donaldson, 8/17/93 "We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe." ...Governor George W. Bush "Public speaking is very easy." ...Governor George W. Bush to reporters "I am not part of the problem. I am a Republican." ...Governor George W. Bush "A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls." ...Governor George W. Bush "When I have been asked who caused the riots and the killing in LA, my answer has been direct & simple: Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to blame for the killings? The killers are to blame." ...George W. Bush "Illegitimacy is something we should talk about in terms of not having it." ...Governor George W. Bush 5/20/96 "We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/22/97 "For NASA, space is still a high priority." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/5/93 "Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children." ...Governor George W. Bush , 9/18/95 "The American people would not want to know of any misquotes that George Bush may or may not make." ...Governor George W. Bush "We're all capable of mistakes, but I do not care to enlighten you on the mistakes we may or may not have made." ...Governor George W. Bush "It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." ...Governor George W. Bush "[It's] time for the human race to enter the solar system." ...Governor George W. Bush