A young boy and his doting grandmother were walking along the sea shore when a huge wave appeared out of nowhere, sweeping the child out to sea.The horrified woman fell to her knees, raised her eyes to the heavens and begged the Lord to return her beloved grandson.Lo, another wave reared up and deposited the stunned child on the sand before her.The grandmother looked the boy over carefully. He was fine.But still she stared up angrily toward the heavens. "When we came," she snapped indignantly, "he had a hat!"

Dear Dad,$chool i$ really great. I've made lot$ of friend$ and am $tudying hard. With all my $tuff i $imply can't think of anything i need, $o if you would like you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.Love, your $on.Reply from Dad..Dear Son,I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study hard eNOughLove, Dad.

Dear Santa,I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yer.Yer Frend,BiLLy Dear Billy,Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawn carespecialist. How 'bout I send you a damn book so you can learn to read andwrite? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger, at least HE can spell!Santa******Dear Santa,I want a new bike, playstation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drumkit, pony, and a tuba.Love,Francis Dear Francis,Who names their kid 'Francis' nowadays? What a wussie name.Santa******* Dear Santa,I really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE TimmyTimmy,That whiney begging crap may work with your folks, but that crap don't work up here. You're getting a sweater again.Santa*******Dearest Santa,We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get in to our home?Love,MarkyMark,First, stop calling yourself 'Marky.' That's why you're getting your butt whipped at school. Secondly, you don't live in a house, that's a low-rent apartment complex you're living in. Thirdly, I get inside your pad just like all the burglars do, through your bedroom window. Sweet dreams!Santa******Dear Santa,I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots foryour reindeer outside the backdoor.Love,SusanDear Susan,Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the reindeer fart in my face. You want to be a weasel? Leave me a glass of Chivas Regal.Santa******Dear Santa,I've written you for three years now asking for a fire truck. Please,I really, really want a fire truck this year.Love,JoeyDear Joey,Let me make it up to you. While you sleep, I'm gonna torch your house. You'll have more fire trucks than you'll know what to do with.Santa

Due to increasing products liability litigation, American liquor manufacturers have accepted the FDA's suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all varieties of alcohol containers:WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your bra and panties.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a giraffe in heat.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell your friends repeatedly that you love them.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause you to think you can sing.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with other members of the opposite sex without spitting.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead, knees, and lower back.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may cause pregnancy.WARNING: The crumsumpten of alcahol may maak yu tink you kan tipe real gude.

Father Christmas was not in a very good frame of mind - in fact he was very depressed. That morning after breakfast, Mrs Santa had told him that her Mother wasoming over to stay 'for a few days' and he knew that would be for several weeks, and as Christmas was approaching her visit was the last thing that he wanted. The Elves had neen playing up and had gone on strike for more pay. The replacement elves Santa had put in were much slower and the number of toys that had been made was way down. Father Christmas went to visit his Reindeers and found that two of them were pregnant and another two had kicked down the fence and had disappeared into the forest. He was by now even more depressed. What I need is a drink he thought, but upon going indoors he found that the elves had hidden his Whisky and there was nothing left to drink in his liquour cabinet. Deciding upon a coffee he went into the kitchen but managed to drop the Jar of Coffee all over the floor. Now he really was cheesed off! He went to fetch the broom to sweep up the mess but found that the mice had chewed off all the bristles. At that moment there was a knock at the front door. Upon opening it, Father Christmas was confronted by a beautiful Fairy holding a lovely Christmas Tree. "Good Morning, Santa" she called "Isn't it a really lovely day. I have bought you this beautiful tree, isn't it lovely? Where would you like me to stickit?" And that is why by tradition we have a Fairy sitting on top of our Christmas Trees.

God called down to Adam, "My child, I have noticed you are lonely down there, so I want you to meet someone. Come and see, I call her woman, her name is Eve..."Adam came to see her, he then returned to speak with God, hardly able to contain his excitement,"Oh, father, she is so beautiful, her shining blonde hair, and those gorgeous eyes! Why did you make her so beautiful?"God answered, "So that you would love her my son. But check out the smell of that shining blonde hair...."Adam leaves and later returns to speak with God, "Oh my Lord, she smells like the flowers in the garden of Eden in the sunshine just after the rain. Why did you make her smell so good God?" he answered....and again God answered him,."So that you would love her my son....she will keep you company when you feel like you need a friend. Go forth and enjoy her my son, see how much fun you can have together"Hours later, Adam returns, completely shagged out,"Father, she has many great qualities, the sex was great,she can please me greatly physically, I enjoyed that immensely, but Father, why is she so dumb?" to which God replied, "So that she would love you my son"

Great news! Some of the old favorite singers and bands have re-releasedtheir great hits with new titles and lyrics to accommodate their agingaudience. Some examples: Herman's Hermits: "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker" The Rolling Stones: "You Can't Always Pee When You Want" Credence Clearwater Revival: "Bad Prune Rising" Marvin Gaye: "I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts" The Who: "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication" The Troggs: "Bald Thing" Carly Simon: "You're So Varicose Vein" The Bee Gees: "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip" Roberta Flack: "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face" Johnny Nash: "I Can't See Clearly Now" The Temptations: "Papa Got a Kidney Stone" ABBA: "Denture Queen" Leo Sayer: "You Make Me Feel Like Napping" Commodores: "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom" Procol Harem: "A Whiter Shade of Hair" The Beatles: "I Get By With a Little Help From Depends".

Here are some comback answers:------------------------------You haven't asked yet. I was hoping to do something meaningful with my life. Because I just love hearing this question. Just lucky, I guess. It gives my mother something to live for. My fiancée is awaiting his/her parole. I'm still hoping for a shot at Miss/Mr. America. Do you know how hard it is to get two tickets to Miss Saigon? I'm waiting until I get to be your age. It didn't seem worth a blood test. I already have enough laundry to do, thank you. Because I think it would take all the spontaneity out of dating. My co-op board doesn't allow spouses. I'd have to forfeit my billion dollar trust fund. They just opened a great singles bar on my block. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads? I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck. Why aren't you thin? I'm married to my career, although recently we have been considering a trial separation. Bonus reply for Single Mothers: Because having a husband and a child would be redundant

Just keep in mind this was on live radio.... On the morning show at WBAM FM in Chicago, IL, they call someone at work and ask if they're married or in a serious relationship. If yes, then this person is asked three very personal questions and the significant other's name and work phone number. If the significant other answers correctly, then they are winners. This particular day it got interesting: DJ: HEY! This is Edgar on WBAM. Do you know "Mate Match"? Contestant: (laughing) Yes I do. DJ: What is your name? First name only please. Contestant: Brian. DJ: Are you married or what Brian? Brian: Yes. DJ: "Yes"? Does this mean your are "married" or what, Brian? Brian: (laughing nervously) Yes I am married. DJ: Thank you, Brian. Okay, now, what is your wife's name? First only please, Brian. Brian: Sara. DJ: Is Sara at work Brian? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: Stay with me here Brian! Is she at work? Brian: (laughing) Yes she is. DJ: All right then, first question: When was the last time you had sex? Brian: She is gonna kill me. DJ: BRIAN! Stay with me here man. Brian: About 8 this morning. DJ: Atta boy. Brian: (laughing sheepishly) Well... DJ: Number 2: How long did it last? Brian: About 10 minutes. DJ: Wow! You really want that trip huh? No one would ever have said that if it there weren't a trip at stake. Brian: Yeah, it would be really nice. DJ: Okay, final question: where was it that you had sex at 8 this morning? Brian: (laughing hard) I ummmmm... DJ: This sounds good Brian; where was it? Brian: Not that it was all that great, just that her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks and she was taking a shower at the time. DJ: Ooooooh, sneaky boy! Brian: On the kitchen table. DJ: "Not that great"? That is more adventurous than the last hundred times I have done it. Anyway, (to audience) I will put Brian on hold, get his wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this.(Advertisements) DJ: (to audience) Let's call Sara, shall we? (touch tones...*ringing*) DJ: Hey, is Sara around there somewhere? Clerk: This is she. DJ: Sara, this is Edgar with WBAM. I have been speaking with Brian for a couple of hours now. Sara: (laughing) A couple of hours? DJ: Well, a while anyway. He is also on the line with us. Brian knows not to give away any answers or you lose, soooooooo, do you know the rules of "Mate Match"? Sara: No. DJ: Good. Brian: (laughing) Sara: (laughing) Brian, what the hell are you up to? Brian: (laughing) Just answer his questions honestly, Okay? Sara: Oh, Brian. DJ: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sara I will now ask you three questions and if you answer exactly what Brian has said, then the two of you are off to Orlando, Florida at our expense. This does include tickets to Disney World and Sea World. Sara: All right. Brian: (laughing) DJ: All right, when did you have sex last Sara? Sara: Oh God, Brian...this morning before Brian went to work. DJ: What time? Sara: About 8, I think. (sound effect) DING DING DING. DJ: Great! That's one. Now! How long did it last? Sara: Oh God! Brian...ummm, about 12, 14 minutes I think DING DING DING. DJ: Okay, the judges say that's close enough, I guess she's trying not to harm his manhood. DJ: Last question: where did you do it? Sara: OH MY GOD, BRIAN! You did not tell them did you?!?! Brian: Just tell him honey. DJ: What is bothering you so much Sara? Sara: Well, it's just ... just that my mom is vacationing with us and... DJ: SHE SAW?!?! Sara: BRIAN?!?! Jesus?!?! Brian: NO, no she didn't. DJ: Ease up there sister. Just messin' with your head. Your answer? Sara: Dear Lord... Brian, I cannot believe you told them this. Brian: Come on honey it's for a trip to Florida. DJ: Let's go Sara, we ain't got all day. Where did you do it? Sara: In the ass. (long pause) DJ: We will be right back. (advertisements) DJ: I am sorry for that ladies and gentlemen. This is live radio and these things do happen. anyway, Brian and Sara are off to lovely Orlando, Florida.

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."