13. The check is in the mail. 12. You get this one, I'll pay next time. 11. You look great. 10. Of course I love you. 9. It's not the money, it's the principle of the thing. 8. ...but we can still be good friends. 7. She means nothing to me. 6. Don't worry, I can go another 20 miles when the gauge is on "empty." 5. Don't worry, he's never bitten anyone. 4. I'll call you later. 3. I've never done anything like this before. 2. I'm from your government, and I am here to help you. 1. I DO.

Actual writings on hospital charts: 1. she has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husbandstates she was very hot in bed last night. 2. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side forover a year. 3. On the second day the knee was better, and on the thirdday it disappeared. 4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She alsoappears to be depressed. 5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing mein 1993. 6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission. 7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 years old male, mentallyalert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides. 10. Patient has left white blood cells at anotherhospital. 11. Patient's medical history has been remarkablyinsignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the pastthree days. 12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia forlunch. 13. She is numb from her toes down. 14. While in ER, she was examined, x-rated and sent home. 15. The skin was moist and dry. 16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches. 17. Patient was alert and unresponsive. 18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid. 19. She stated that she had been constipated for most ofher life, until she got a divorce. 20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our carfor physical therapy. 21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light andaccommodation. 22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circussized. 23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function. 24. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, hetook a job as a stock broker instead. 25. Skin: somewhat pale but present. 26. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor. 27. Patient was seen in consultation by Dr. Blank, who feltwe should sit on the abdomen and I agree. 28. Large brown stool ambulating in the hall. 29. Patient has two teenage children, but no otherabnormalities.

After looking for love in all the wrong places, a man returns from the Middle East and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the Hospital to undergo tests. The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital. No one is around but the phone by hisbed. and it rings. "This is your doctor. We've had the results back from your tests and we've found you have an extremely contagious and nasty STD called 'G.A.S.H.' It's a combination of Gonorrhea, AIDS, Syphilis, and Herpes!""Oh, my gosh," cried the man, "What are you going to do, doctor?" "Well, we're going to put you on a diet of pizzas, pancakes, and pita bread." "Will that cure me???" asked the man.The doctor replied, "Well no, but....they're the only foods we can get under the door."

A man is sitting in the bar when he notices another patron a fewstools away. The guy had a body like Charles Atlas but his headwas the size of a thimble. The first man said, "Please excuse me for staring but I can'thelp but be curious as to why your body is so well developed butyour head is so small." The man says, "Buy me a drink and I'lltell you." The drink was bought and the story began. "I was in the navy and my ship was sunk by a torpedo. I was theonly survivor and I managed to make it to a deserted island afew miles away. I had been there for several months and wassitting on the beach one day waiting for a bird or a fish tocome by, so I would have something to eat. Looking up I saw amermaid sunning on a nearby rock. She swam over to me andinformed me that she was a magical mermaid and could grant me 3wishes. "Great, I'd like to be rescued." She slapped the water with hertail and a ship appeared, sailing straight for my island. Next I asked for a body like Charles Atlas. Another slap of hertail and here it is. Then noticing how beautiful she was and all my other wishedfulfilled I asked if I could make love to her. She said no, itjust wouldn't work, her being half fish and all, so I said"Well, how about a little head then?"

A man was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, "You're beautiful." Flattered, the wife continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep. Later, her husband woke up and said, "You're cute." "What happened to 'beautiful?'" she asked him. "The drugs are wearing off," he replied.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite sugar cookies wafting up the stairs.He gathered enough strength to get out bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom.With even greater effort, he forced his boney fingers to grab the handrail and he went down the stairs, one stumbling step at a time.With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven.There, on the kitchen table, spread out in rows upon wax paper, were literally hundreds of his favorite sugar cookies.Was it heaven? Or, was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife of 60 years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he lunged toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.His parched lips were slightly parted. The wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth; seemingly bringing him back to life.The aged and withered hand, driven by one last gritty effort, shakingly made its way towards a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife."Stay out of those," she said, "They're for the funeral!"

A newlywed couple arrive at their honeymoon suite and prepare to have sex for the first time. As they start to settle under the covers, she tells her husband,"I've got a confession. I'm not a virgin, but I've been with only one man."The husband thinks for a second and says,"Well it's 2003, that's not unusual for you to have had premarital sex. But can I ask who the guy was?"She fidgets for a minute, then says,"Tiger Woods."Her husband is surprised by this response but tells her,"Well, he's rich, talented, and good-looking. I can see why you wanted to sleep with him."So they make love for the first time and when they finish he gets up and goes to the room phone. His wife rolls over and asks,"What are you doing?"He tells her, "I'm hungry. I was gonna call room service. Do you want anything?""Tiger wouldn't have done," she says."Oh really? What would Tiger have done," he asks."Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a second time."So her husband puts down the phone and gets back to bed and makes love to his wife a second time. After they finish he gets out of bed and walks to the phone again. Again his wife asks,"What are you doing?""Well I never called room service the first time and I'm still hungry," he replies."Tiger wouldn't have done that," she again tells him."Oh really. And what would Tiger have done?""Tiger would have come back to bed and made love to me a third time," she says.So her husband goes back to bed and makes love to her for a third time. After finally finishing he rolls out of bed again and goes to the phone."Calling room service again?" she asks."No! I'm calling Tiger so I can find out what the par is for this damn hole!!"

A newlywed couple were spending their honeymoon in a remote log cabin resort way up the mountains of Scotland. They had registered on Saturday and they had not been seen for 5 days. An elderly couple ran the resort, and they were getting concerned about the welfare of these newlyweds. The old man decided to go and see if they were all right. He knocked on the door of the cabin and a weak voice from inside answered. The old man asked if they were OK. "Yes, we're fine. We're living on the fruits of love". The old man replied, "I thought so ... would you mind not throwing the peelings out the window ... they're choking my ducks!"

A nice young man wanted to purchase a Christmas gift for his new sweetheart. As they had not been dating very long, after some careful consideration, he decided that a pair of elegant winter gloves would strike just the right note - romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to a fine department store and chose a pair of lovely white fur-lined gloves. The sister did her own shopping, buying a pair of panties for herself. While the clerk was wrapping the items, she got the boxes mixed up, and gave the gloves to the sister and gift-wrapped the panties for the young man. The young man sealed the package without noticing and sent it to his sweetheart, who opened it on Christmas to find his enclosed note: I chose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she demonstrated the short ones she wears that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from Showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and they were hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked very sharp. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away, as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me on Friday night. All my love. (P.S... The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

A pregnant woman goes to the doctor for results of a test. The doctor invites her in to sit down. "I'm sorry to tell you, Mrs. Smith, that your baby has some serious problems." "What problems, doctor? I mean, when it arrives, I'll love it. It's my child and I'll love it regardless." "Well, yes, of course,... but your child has no legs." "Oh dear. Well, it's my child, and I'll love it regardless." "And it hasn't got any arms either." "What?" "Exactly what I said. Your child doesn't have a body, or a face. Infact, your child is only a very, very big ear." "Oh my God! This is terrible! Well, it's my child, and I'll love it.I'll learn all the lullabies in the world to sing to it." "Mrs. Smith, one last thing.... Unfortunately, your child is deaf."