A cowboy is riding across the plains of the old west, when he is captured by Indians. The tribe puts him on trial for crimes against the Indian Nation, and he is found guilty. "You have been sentenced to death," said the Chief, "but, as is our custom, you have three wishes to make as your last requests." The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "Well, for my first wish, I'll need my horse." "Give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy whispered something into the horse's ear, and the horse took off like a shot across the prairie. Twenty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful blonde woman on its back. The cowboy looked at this, shrugged his shoulders, and helped the young lady off the horse. He then took her into the woods and had his way with her. "Second wish," said the Chief. "I'll need my horse again," said the cowboy. "Give him his horse," said the Chief. Once again, the cowboy whispered into the horse's ear, and once again the horse rode off over the prairie. Thirty minutes later, the horse returned with a beautiful brunette on its back. The cowboy looked up and shrugged, helped the young lady off the horse, and went into the woods, same reason as before. "This is your last wish," said the Chief, "make it a good one." "I'll need my horse again." "Give him his horse," said the Chief. The cowboy grabbed each side of the horse's head, and put his face right up to the horse's. "You stupid horse, I said POSSE!"

A cowboy runs into a bar and says to the bartender, "Give me twenty shots of your best scotch, quick!"The bartender pours out the shots, and the cowboy drinks them as fast as he can. The bartender says, "Wow. I never saw anybody drink that fast."The cowboy replies, "Well, you'd drink that fast too if you had what I have."The bartender says, "Oh my God! What is it? What do you have?""About fifty cents!"

A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?"The crow answered: "Sure, why not."So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.Moral of the story is: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

A drunk walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the housea drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." So, the bartenderdoes just that, and hands the man the bill. The drunk says, "I haven'tgot it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws himout into the street. The very next day, the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says, "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill." The bartender figures that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice, so he gives him the benefit of the doubt. He pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself, and hands the drunk the bill. Again, the drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it. He picks the guy up, beats the living daylights out of him, then throws him out into the street. The next day, the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says, "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink and give methe bill." In disgust, the bartender says, "What, no drink for me thistime?" The drunk replies, "Nope! You get too violent when you drink."

A duck hunter, proud of his markmanship, took his son out one morning to witness his skill. After some time a lone duck flew by. "Watch this," whispered the dad, as he took aim and carefully fired. The duck flew serenely on. "My boy," said the hunter, "you are witnessing a great miracle. There flies a dead duck. "

A duck walks into a bar and says, "Got any bread?" The barman says "No." The duck says,"Got any bread?" The barman says "NO!" "Got any bread?" "I said N-O, NO!" "Got any bread?" "For crying out loud - N-O spells NO, and I mean NO!" "Got any bread?" "NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO" "Got any bread?" "Look, if you ask me one more f**king time if I have got any bread, I'm going to nail your f**king beak to the f**king bar!" "Got any nails?" "No" "Got any bread?"

A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.

A fellow walks into a bar, orders a drink, and asks the bartender if he'd like to hear a good Notre Dame joke. "Listen buddy," he growled. "See those 2 big guys on your left? They were both linemen on the Notre Dame football team. And that huge fellow on your right was a world-class wrestler at Notre Dame. That guy in the corner was Notre Dame's all-time champion weight lifter. And I lettered in 3 sports at Notre Dame. Now, are you absolutely positive you want to go ahead and tell your joke here?" "Nah, guess not," the man replied. "I wouldn't want to have to explain it 5 times."

A few weeks before his death, Orson Welles was talking to his friend and fellow film director Henry Jaglom about Welles' landmark movie, Citizen Kane. "Make me one promise," he told Jaglom, "Keep Ted Turner and his goddamned crayolas away from my movie." Fortunately, when the movie was made, Welles had negotiated a contract with RKO studios giving him complete and absolute control over every aspect of production, including colour – or lack thereof. Although he wanted to, Turner never got a chance to colourize Citizen Kane.

After examining his patient, he informed Mr. Jones, "I'm afraid you only have two months left to live. Do you have any requests?""Yes, I'd like a second opinion. ""Fine. I also think you're ugly as sin. "