After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.The guy from Corona sits down and says "Hey Sen~or, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.The guy from Budweiser says "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.The guy from Coors says "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.The guy from Guiness sits down and says "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guiness?" and the Guiness resident replies "Well, if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither will I."

A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old lawyers gave them a fight for their lives. The gang was very happy to escape."It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got out with $25 between us.""I warned you to stay clear of lawyers!" the boss screamed. "We had over $100 when we broke in!"

A gentleman was sitting at a crowded bar talking with a colleague about a recent legal encounter."Lawyer's are jerks" the man said as he completed his story.His colleague agreed by saying, "Yeah, lawyers are jerks".A couple nearby overheard the conversation and the word spread quickly throughout the bar that indeed lawyers are jerks. At the far end of the bar, a well dressed gentleman finally caught wind of the topic of conversation. He stood up slammed his beer down on the counter and proclaimed to the whole bar that he was extremely offended by the conversation and that he would appreciate it if whoever started this would stand up and apologize in front of the entire crowd.The gentleman, who originally claimed, "lawyers are jerks", angrily stood up and said, "You must be an attorney".The offended gentleman quickly replied, "No kind sir, I am an jerk."

A golf club walks into a local bar and asked the barman for a pint of beer. The barman refused to serve him. "Why not?" asked the golf club. "You'll be driving later," replied the bartender.

A grasshopper walks into a bar and walks up to the bar. The bartender says "hey, we have a drink named after you!" "Really?" asks the grasshopper, "You have a drink named Steve?"

A guy came home to his wife and said to her:"Guess what?I've found a great job. A 10am start, 2pm finish, no overtime, no weekends and it pays $600 a week in the hand to boot!""That's great," his wife said."Yeah, it's unreal," he agreed."You start Monday."

A guy goes into a costume shop. He says, "I'm going to a Halloween party, and I want to go as Adam." The girl brings out a fig leaf. But he says, "Not big enough!" So she brings out a bigger one. "Still not big enough!" So she brings out a HUGE fig leaf. "Still not big enough!" he proudly tells her. So she says, "Listen, Ace, why don't you just throw it over your shoulder and go as a gasoline pump?"

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says, "Would you like to dance?" The girl says, "I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you." The guy says, "I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants."

A guy is at a bar, laughing with friends when he goes over to watch the bar tender. The bar is nice and clean and the bartender is putting down the finishing touches. The guy goes, "You seem like a bettin' man." The bartender replies, "everyday of the week except Sunday." The guy goes "I bet you 500$ if I stood on the bar, and you pushed a bar glass under me, I could piss all in it, and not get a wince of it on the bar." The bartender laughs and says" I'll take you on that bet." So he goes and gets a glass, while the guy is unzipping his pants."Ready" the bartender goes and the man replies "FIRE AWAY!" so the bartender pushes the glass and the guy pisses everywhere but the glass. He zipped his pants on and the bartender starts laughing, and says "See boy, it can't be done!" the guy pays him smiling all the way. The bartender asks "Boy what are you so happy about? You just lost $500" he replies " I just bet that man over there I could piss all over your bar and make you laugh about it!"

A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Superbowl from his company.Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium -- he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no.Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Superbowl and not use it?"The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Superbowl we haven't been to together since we got married in 1967.""Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or a close friend?""No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."