A blonde went out for a walk. She came to a river and saw another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo," she shouted, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looked up the river then down the river then shouted back, "You’re already on the other side.”

A blowhard Air Force major was promoted to colonel and received a brand-new office. His first morning behind the desk, an airman knocked on the door and asked to speak to him. After telling him to come in, the colonel felt an urge to impress the young airman, so he picked up his phone and said, "Yes, General, I'll get that to the President immediately. Goodbye, sir. "Then, turning to the airman, he barked, "Now what do you want?""Nothing important," the airman said, "I just came to install the telephone. "

A building contractor was being paid by the week for a job that was likely to stretch over several months. He approached the owner of the property and held up the check he'd been given."This is two hundred dollars less than we agreed on," he said."I know," the owner said. "But last week I overpaid you two hundred dollars, and you never complained."The contractor said. "Well, I don't mind an occasional mistake. But when it gets to be a habit, I feel I have to call it to your attention."

A burglar entered the house of a Quaker and proceeded to rob it. The Quaker heard the noise, took his shotgun downstairs, and pointed the gun at the burglar. He then said gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am about to shoot. "

A bus driver was taking a group of senior citizens on an outing.During the trip one elderly lady came up to him and told him that she thought she had been molested.The bus driver did not pay much attention to her comment until at the end of the trip another elderly lady told him that she too had been molested. The bus driver noticed an elderly man searching under the seats for something and asked if he could help him.The man told him he had lost his toupee but had not had any luck finding it because his was parted on the side and everyone he had found under the seats were parted in the middle.

According to research 80% of the poplation can't do simple maths.Good news for us brainboxes,the other 10%.

A certain lawyer was quite wealthy and had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebee off a lawyer, agreed.Well, they had a splendid time in the country - rising early and living in the great outdoors.Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge Bears - a male and a female.Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer.Sure enough, the two bears were still there."He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend.The sheriff looked at the bears, and without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and SHOT THE FEMALE."Whatdya do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!""Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy winter. Because both had jobs, they had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided that the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address, and sent the e-mail without realizing his error. In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been 'called home to glory' following a heart attack. The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: To: My Loving Wife From: Your Departed Husband Subject: I've Arrived! I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. (P.S. Sure is hot down here!)

A couple married forty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here forty years ago."The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence and they made love like never before.Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like that forty years ago - or any time since that I can remember!"The woman says, "Forty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"

A couple of carpet layers are installing new carpeting in the home of a pompous rich woman. They get the carpet all layed and one of them can't find his pack of cigarettes. He checks his pockets, etc., until finally his buddy spots a lump under the carpet."Geez, he says, we better handle this before she sees it."He goes to pull the carpet away from the wall when his buddy says,"Wait, I have an easier way."He takes his hammer and pounds the lump flat. Just then, the woman comes in and asks frantically,"Have you seen my toy poodle?"