1. "Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy." 2. "Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop." 3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness" 4. "Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!" 5. "Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?" 6. "Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie." 7. "Oh no! I just lost my Rolex." 8. "Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?" 9. "Damn, there go the lights again...." 10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them." 11. "What do you mean you want a divorce?"

1. Go to O'Reillys auto parts and write a check for $50 dollars for oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and scented tree. 2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back to O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard. 3. Open a beer and drink it. 4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. 5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car. 6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it. 7. Place drain pan under engine. 8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench. 9. Give up and use crescent wrench. 10. Unscrew drain plug. 11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process. 12. Clean up. 13. Have another beer while oil is draining. 14. Look for oil filter wrench. 15. Give up; poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist it off. 16. Beer. 17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow. 18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. 19. Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18. 20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday. 21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer. 22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to gasket first. 23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine. 24. Remember drain plug from step 11. 25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. 26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains onto floor. 27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame. 28. Bang head on floor board in reaction. 29. Begin a cussing fit. 30. Throw wrench. 31. Cuss and complain. 32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle. 33. Beer. 34. Beer. 35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil. 36. Beer. 37. Lower car from jack stands 38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands 39. Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during step 23. 40. Test drive car 41. Get pulled over; arrested for driving under the influence. 42. Car gets impounded. 43. Make bail; get car from impound yard. Money Spent: $50 parts $12 beer $75 replacement set of jack stands; hey the colors have to match! $1000 Bail $200 Impound and towing fee Total: $1337

A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small hick Southern town. So, he got into his new wheels and off he went. He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me, please?" he asked. The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time, then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister. Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"

According to statistics, last year over 17 million American families paid a lot of money for things that looked funny and didn't work. Seven million of these were antiques; the rest were college students.

A couple was planning on getting married. Seeing how they didn't have much money to go on a honeymoon, they decided to just go back to their new apartment after the wedding. The groom had three close friends, that were prone to committing practical jokes. One being a carpenter, the other a ordinary guy, and the third a dentist. They all decided to pull practical jokes on their newly married friends. The carpenter decided he would cut the slats in the bed so that when they climbed into bed, the bed would collapse. The ordinary guy decided to short sheet the bed, so that when they got into it their feet wouldn't reach the bottom. The dentist chuckled and wouldn't tell anyone what he planned to do. A week later the 3 friends all received letters in the mail. "Dear friends, we didn't mind the fact that when we got into bed, the bed collapsed, or the guy that short sheeted it, but I'm gonna kill the bastard that put the novacaine in the vaseline!"

A drunk staggers into a bar and says to the bartender,"I'd like to buy everyone in the bar a drink and get one for yourself too!" The bartender makes the drinks and everyone raises their glass and yells "CHEERS!" and downs their drinks. The bartender says "That'll be $37.50." The drunk says, "Kiss my big white rear, 'cuz I don't have any money!" This infuriates the bartender who then jumps over the bar and beats up the drunk and throws him out into the street. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar and says, "I'd like to buy the whole bar a drink, and get one for yourself, too". The bartender figures that maybe he was a little hard on the guy the day before and decides to give the guy the benefit of the doubt. He makes the drinks and they all say, "Salute!" and down the drinks. The bartender says, "That'll be $42,50." The drunk replies by putting his thumb to his nose, wiggling his fingers, and making a loud raspberry noise followed by, "I don't have any money and you can kiss my big white rear!" This angers the bartender even more than the first time. He jumps over the bar and beats the drunk and throws him out into the street onto his face and kicks him a few times for good measure. The next day the same drunk walks into the same bar, but before he can say anything the bartender says, "Let me guess, you want to buy the whole bar a drink and I should get one for myself, too, right?" The drunk replies, "No way, you get too violent when you drink!"

A fellow finds himself in front of the Pearly Gates. St. Peter explains that its not so easy to get in heaven. There are some criteria before entry is allowed. For example, was the man religious in life? Attend church? No? St. Peter told him that's bad. Was he generous? give money to the poor? Charities? No? St. Peter told him that that too was bad. Did he do any good deeds? Help his neighbor? Anything? No? St. Peter was becoming concerned. Exasperated, Peter says, "Look, everybody does something nice sometime. Work with me, I'm trying to help. Now think!" The man says, "There was this old lady. I came out of a store and found her surrounded by a dozen Hell's Angels. They had taken her purse and were shoving her around, taunting and abusing her. I got so mad I threw my bags down, fought through the crowd, and got her purse back. I then helped her to her feet. I then went up to the biggest, baddest biker and told him how despicable, cowardly and mean he was and then spat in his face". "Wow", said Peter, "That's impressive. When did this happen"? "Oh, about 10 minutes ago", replied the man.

A guy goes to a bar and sees a big jar of 5 dollar bills in it. He asks the bartender "What's with the money?" the bartender replies "we're having a contest. You have to put in 5 dollars in the jar. then you have to complete 3 tasks. If you pass, you get all the money in the jar" "ah what the hell. lets give it a try." says the man, and puts the five dollars in the jar. "first" says the bartender, "you have to drink a large glass of tequila without making a face. second, there is a vicious rottweiler outside with a sore tooth. you have to pull out the sore tooth. third, upstairs there is an old woman who has never had sex in her life. you have to have sex with her. ok?" "fine" says the man. the bartender gives him the glass of tequila. the man drinks the whole thing without making a face. Now drunk, he goes outside. The bartender hears lots of yelling and barking. when the man comes back, he is all shredded up. he asks "ok, where's the woman with the sore tooth?"

A kid called up his mum from his college and asked her for some money, because he ran out of it. Mum said, "Sure, sweetie. Mum will send you some money. You also left your calculus book here when you visited 2 weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?""Uhh, oh yeah, o.k." Responded the kid.So Mum wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, "Well how much did you give the boy this time?Mum said, "Oh, I wrote 2 checks for him, one for $20, and the other for $1000."That's $1020!!!" yelled Dad, "Are you crazy???""Don't worry hon," Mum said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, "I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 19!"

Alabama: At Least We're not MississippiAlaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!Arizona: Dehyd-rific!Arkansas: Litterasy Ain't EverthingCalifornia: As Seen on TVColorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't BotherConnecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less CharacterDelaware: (this was left blank--does this mean Delaware is too small to have a motto?)Florida: Ask Us About Our GrandkidsGeorgia: We Put the "Fun" in Fundamentalist ExtremismHawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes... Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real GoodIllinois: Gateway to IowaIndiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave FreeIowa: Land of James T. KirkKansas: First Of The Rectangle StatesKentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last NamesLouisiana: We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism CampaignMaine: Cheap LobsterMaryland: A Thinking Man's DelawareMassachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax Brackets)Michigan: First Line of Defense From the CanadiansMinnesota: For SaleMississippi: Come Feel Better About Your Own StateMissouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at WorkMontana: Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomer, and Very Little ElseNebraska: Ask About Our State Motto ContestNevada: Whores and Poker!New Hampshire:Go Away and Leave Us AloneNew Jersey: You Want a #$@%#!@ Motto? I Got Yer #$@%#!@ Motto Right Here!New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent PetsNew York: You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an AttorneyNorth Carolina: Tobacco is a VegetableNorth Dakota: Um... We've got... Um... Dinosaur Bones? Yeah, Dinosaur Bones!Ohio: Don't Judge Us by ClevelandOklahoma: Like the Play...Only No SingingOregon: Spotted Owl, It's What's For DinnerPennsylvania: Cook With CoalRhode Island:We're Not REALLY An IslandSouth Carolina: Remember the Civil War? We Didn't Actually SurrenderSouth Dakota:Closer Than North DakotaTennessee: The Educashun StateTexas: Se Hablo InglesUtah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your JesusVermont: YepVirginia: Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?West Virginia: One Big Happy Family -- Really!Wisconsin: Come Cut Our CheeseWyoming: Wynot?