The World's Shortest Books--------------------------- "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson - The Difference between Reality and Dilbert - Human Rights Advances in China - "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman - Al Gore: The Wild Years - Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean - America's Most Popular Lawyers - Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors - Detroit - A Travel Guide - Different Ways to Spell "Bob" - Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches - Easy UNIX - Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance - Everything Men Know About Women - Everything Women Know About Men - French Hospitality - "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton - George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names - "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel - Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette - "One Hundred and One Spotted Owl Recipes" by the EPA - Staple Your Way to Success The Amish Phone Directory - The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Things To Say To Telemarketers1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashesare sore, my dog just died . . . " 3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of workif they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, "What are you wearing?"5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she couldknow you from. 6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?"8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?"9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains thattelemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, "I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with yourdinner conversation. 15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they could bring you some beer.16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . . 20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Things You Don't Want to Hear During Surgery:- Oops! - Has anyone seen my watch? - That was some party last night I can't remember when I've been that drunk.- Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!- Well this book doesn't say that... What edition is your manual?- OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.- Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.- Come back with that! Bad Dog!- Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?- Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie- If I can just remember how they did this on ER last week.- Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?- Damn, there go the lights again...- Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.- Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!- Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.- I wish I hadn't forgotten my glasses.- Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.- Steril, shcmeril. The floor's clean, right?- What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change!- What do you mean, he's not insured?- This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?- Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?- Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.- What do you mean "You want a divorce"!- I don't know what it is, but hurry up and pack it in ice.- Let's hurry, I don't want to miss "Bay Watch"- That laughing gas stuff is pretty cool. Can I have some more of that?- Hey Charlie, unzip the bag on that one, he's still moving.- Did the doctor know he would look like that afterwards?- Of course I've performed this operation before, Nurse!- FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket."How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks an accountant. "Watch and you'll see," answers an engineer. They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all). When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket?" asked one perplexed accountant."Watch and you'll see," answered an engineer. When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Three friends - two straight guys and a gay guy - and their significant others were on a cruise. A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman name Penny."Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are in Ft. Lauderdale for a two-week period helping out on a project.About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you 3 wishes, but since there are 3 of you, I will grant you each one wish."The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean, with no money worries and surrounded by beautiful women who worship me." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

Three scots and three englishmen are traveling by train to a football match. At the station, the three englishmen each buy tickets and watch as the three scots buy only a single ticket. "How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asked one of the three Englanders. "Watch and you'll see," answers one of the Scotsmen. They all board the train. The Englishmen take their respective seats but all three scotsmen cram into a toilet and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the toilet door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on. The English saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the Englishmen decide to copy the Scots on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the Scots don't buy a ticket at all. "How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed Englishman. "Watch and you'll see," says one of the Scotsmen. When they board the train the three Scots cram into a toilet and the three Englishmen cram into another one nearby. The train departs. Shortly afterward, one of the Scots leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the Englishmen are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at a craps table. A very attractive redhead comes in and wants to bet twenty-thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice. She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm bottomless." With that she strips naked from the waist down, and rolls the dice while yelling, "Momma needs a new pair of pants!" She then begins jumping up and down and hugging each of the dealers. "YES! I WIN! I WIN!" With that she picks up her money and clothes and quickly leaves. The dealers just stare at each other dumbfounded. Finally one of them asks, "What did she roll anyway?" The other answers, "I thought YOU were watching!"

What to do when your dinner is interrupted:- Ask them if they've got beer- Start speaking in tongues- Tell them that person doesn't live there anymore. Give them the number of an adult service and tell them that it is her/his new number- Tell them that you're not there right now- Ask them if they accept coupons- Start selling them something else- If someone calls soliciting donations, tell them you're poor and ask for money instead- Start preaching your religion to them- Pretend you're a recording and say "The number you have reached is not in service. Please check the number and dial again, or talk to your operator for assistance. Recording A4." Extra points for imitating the 3 rising tones at the beginning.- Try to hypnotise the telemarketer- Play a recording of a busy signal- Put on some really annoying music and put the phone up to the stereo.- Ask the telemarketer if he/she is single. Then try hitting on him/her. Be sure to mention your various medical problems, your fascination with odd smells and your shrine to the Lawrence Welk Show.- Use one of those voice changers to disguise your voice- Rap all your replies to the telemarketer's questions, especially if you're white.- Ask the TM if he/she minds if you talk to him/her on the toilet. Then take a plastic Heinz ketchup bottle and squeeze out ketchup repeatedly (if you're ever used this kind of ketchup you'll know what kind of sound this makes!!!!!)- Speak in ragga chant- Try to rhyme with everything the telemarketer says- Tell the TM that the person he/she is trying to reach is a victim of black magic and has been turned into a poodle.- Tell the TM that the person s/he is trying to reach has passed on, and that you're the ghost of him/her.- Sell them on the "value of high colonics". Explain your "dedication to good health" in your most convincing, passionate voice.

You can't fool the kids in Sunday school; they are way too smart... "If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale, and gave all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?" I asked the children in my Sunday school class. "NO!" all the children answered. "If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard, and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?" Again the answer was, "NO!" "Well," I continued, "then how can I get to heaven?" A five-year-old boy shouted, "You gotta be dead!"