A mine owner is looking for new guys to do some necessary jobs, so he advertised and 3 guys turned up.One is a big muscular irish guy, the other is an italian guy and the last one is japanese.The owner tells the irish guy that he will be in charge of the mining because he is strong, the italian will be in charge of the money and the Japanese because he is good with numbers will be in charge of the supplies.In the next morning everybody is coming to work and someone is counting the people going into the mine... 200 people.Everything goes well and at the end of the day they do not wanna leave anybody in the mine so they count the people who go out... 199.They went back to look for the last one. They were looking for a few hours and then just before they were about to leave the japanese jumped from behind the rock shouting: "SUPPLIES! SUPPLIES!"

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender. He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms. The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips. The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips. The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him. The man said, "Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?" The bartender quickly replied, "The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street."

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much." The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?" The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church."

A philosophy professor stands in front of his class and fills a mayonnaise jar with rocks that are about 2" in diameter. The professor asks the class if the jar is full...they agree that it is. The professor then takes a handful of pebbles and adds them to the jar, shaking it so the pebbles fill the cracks and asks if the jar is full and again the class agrees. The professor produces a small bag of sand and proceeds to add it to the jar, shaking it so it fill the cracks and asks the class if the jar is full and for the third time they agreed it is. "Now"...the professor says..."I want you to use this jar full of sediment as a way of looking at your life...the rocks represent the things that are most important to you, your family, your partner and your health... things that are the cornerstone of your life." "The pebbles represent things like your money, your job or your dwelling,things that are important, but can be replaced." "The sand represents the small things in your life, for instance, what you wear, who you are seen with or where you eat." "You'll find, if you put the sand in the jar first, you won't have enough room for not only the pebbles, but most importantly the rocks." "The same thing goes for your life, if you spend too much time and energy on the small issues, you focus less on the things that really matter." "Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness, play with your children, take your spouse out on a date and find time for that medical checkup, in essences, set your priorities... you must take care of the rocks first, then let the pebbles and sand fill your jar." As the professor finishes, he receives a standing ovation for his presentation, but through the crowd, comes a pupil from the back of the room wearing a backpack. He goes to front of the class, takes a bottle of beer out, opens it and pours it into the professor's jar. The student asks the professor..."would you say the jar now full?" The stunned professor could only watch as the student answered his own question..."then we must conclude, that no mater how full your life is...there's always room for beer!"

A priest goes to a hairdressing salon, has a haircut, thanks the hairdresser and asks him how much he owes. The hairdresser replies, "Father, you're a holy man, a man of the cloth, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The priest is most grateful and says, "Thank you, my son" and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 2 gold coins on his doorstep. Some days later, a Buddhist monk goes to the same hairdressing salon for shave and a wax. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "You don't have to give me any money, you're a spiritual leader, a man of the people, I just couldn't charge you anything, it's on the house." The monk bows, shakes his hand and thanks him. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 diamonds on his doorstep. The following week a Rabbi goes into the hairdressing salon to have a haircut and a beard trim. When he goes to pay, the hairdresser says, "No, Rabbi, I couldn't ask you to pay anything, it's on the house, you are a learned and wise man, go in peace." The Rabbi blesses him and leaves. When the hairdresser goes to open his shop next morning, almost by magic, he finds 12 Rabbis on his doorstep.

A rather strange guy walked into a shoe store wanting to buy some new alligator shoes. The clerk quoted a price of $250.00.The guy replied, "This is an outrage. There is no way I will pay that kind of money for a pair of shoes. I can shoot an alligator and get shoes for less than that."The clerk answered, "Well, lady, I think you should do that."Later that day, the clerk was driving through the bayou and found the guy standing waist deep in the swamp with a rifle pointed at a huge, mean-looking alligator swimming toward her. She pointed the gun and shot it, then dragged it out of the water.The clerk was surprised to see a good 20 dead alligators lying on their backs. The blonde rolled the alligator over she had just shot and exclaimed, "DARN! That one isn't wearing shoes either!"

A rich businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. "Welcome to the family," said the man. "I'm so happy, I'm making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations." The son-in-law interrupted. "Oh, um, I actually hate factories. Can't stand the noise." The father-in-law said, "Well, then you'll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations." "I hate office work, too" said the son-on-law. "I can't stand being stuck behind a desk all day." "Wait a minute," said the father-in-law. "I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you don't like factories and won't work in a office. What am I going to do with you?" "Easy," said the young man. "Buy me out."

A san diego patrolman pulled over a driver and told him that because he was wearing his seat belt, he had just won $5000 in a safety competition. "what are you going to do with the money? "the officer asked."i guess i"ll go to driving school and get my license, " the man answered."don't listen to him," said the woman in the passanger seat. "he's a smart alect when he is drunk."This woke up the man in the back seat, who saw the cop and said, "i knew we wouldn't get far in a stolen car."Then there was a knock from the trunk, and a voice asked in spanish, "are we over the border yet?"

At age 5 success is not peeing in your pantsAt age 10 success is having friendsAt age 16 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 20 success is having sexAt age 35 success is having moneyAt age 50 success is having moneyAt age 65 success is having sexAt age 70 success is having your driver's licenseAt age 75 success is having friendsAt age 80 success is not peeing in your pants

A very rich man had his pool filled with pirahnas. Later on that day he threw a party, and invited anyone who wanted to attend. He said he'll give any man $10,000 if he dares to swim from one end to the other. No one took the offer. "Ok, i'll give any man $10,000 and a brand new car". Still no one took the offer. "I will give any man $10,000, a brand new car and any lady of their choice at this party". At the end of the pool, a man jumps in and swims fast across to the other end. The rich man shakes the man's hand and asks, "do you want the money?" "No" "Do you want the car?" "No" "Then you want the lady of your choice?" "No" "Then what is it that you want???" I want the little b**ch that pushed me in!"