A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and all I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything and I'm using some of the insurance money for this trip.""That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."The lawyer looked confused... "How do you start a flood?"

A limousine had encountered a red traffic light and was waiting for it to change when a small mini also drives up. The haughty businessman int he back of the limousine started bragging to the mini owner. "This is the best limo that money can buy. It has ABS, airbags for all passengers, automatic climate control, onboard computer control system, photochromatic glass, mini bar, a television with satellite dish embedded in the roof, blah blah blah...." At this point the mini owner interrupted. "But do you have a video in there?" The light changed just then, and the limo driver pulled off. The businessman in back felt a bit down that he didn't have this simple item, and that very day had one installed in the limo. A few days passed, and again the limo was at a traffic light when the businessman spotted the mini. It was pulled over to a side, with the glass all steamed up, and steam coming from a half open window. Upon seeing this, the businessman got out of his car and knocked on the window of the mini. After a few moments, the mini owner poked his head out. "I installed a VCR in my limo," said the businessman proudly. "What!?!' the mini-man responded. "You got me out of the shower for THAT?"

A little boy wanted $100 badly and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to the Lord requesting the $100. When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to the Lord, USA, they decided to send it to President Clinton. The President was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. President Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 and sat down to write a thank-you note to the Lord, which read: Dear Lord, Thank you very much for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington DC and, as usual, those jerks deducted $95.

A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner. "Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners." "Go away!" said the old lady. "I haven't got any money" and she proceeded to close the door. Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. "Don't be too hasty!" he said. "Not until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet. "If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder." "Well," she said, "I hope you have a damned good appetite, because the electricity was cut off this morning."

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, "It's a lot of money!"After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president's office (the customer is always right!)The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied, "$165,000!" and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, "Ma'am, I'm surprised you're carrying so much cash around. "Where did you get all of this money?"The old lady replied, "I make bets."The president then asked, "Bets? What kind of bets?"The old woman said, "Well, for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.""Ha!" laughed the president, "That's a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!"The old lady challenged, "So, would you like to take my bet?""Sure," said the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!"The little old lady then said, "Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?""Sure!" replied the confident president.That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.The next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: "$25,000 says the president's balls are square!"The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president did. The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, Okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure."Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What the hell's the matter with your lawyer?"She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hand."

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. "Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent." "ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy; the barman replied, "Yes." So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks, "Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried egg?" "Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money." How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents", he replies. "FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy who owns this place?" The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife." The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?" The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."

A man with no arms walked in to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him."Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?""Sure", said the bartender, and he did."Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth.""Certainly." And it was done."If you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket," said the armlessman, "you'll find the money for the beer."The bartender got it."You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more.Where is the men's room?""Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks,and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

A man with no arms walked up to a bar and asked for a beer. The bartender shoved the foaming glass in front of him. "Look," said the customer, "I have no arms - would you please hold the glass up to my mouth?" "Sure", said the bartender, and he did. "Now," said the customer, "I wonder if you'd be so kind as to get my handkerchief out of my pocket and wipe the foam off my mouth." "Certainly." And it was done. "If," said the armless man, "you'd reach in my right hand pants pocket, you'll find the money for the beer." The bartender got it. "You've been very kind," said the customer. "Just one thing more. Where is the men's room?" "Out the door," said the bartender, "turn left, walk two blocks, and there's one in a filling station on the corner."

A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, "I'll give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny politician from your pocket".

A martian landed in the country. He Went up to a farm house and knocked on the door. He told the farmer he would give him 1,000,000 dollars for his flock of sheep. The farmer said O.K. The martian pulled a tiny sheep out of his pocket and it ate all the sheep. The martian then offered the farmer $2,000,000 for all his cattle. He pulled a tiny cow from his pocket and it ate all the cattle. The farmer said, "I will give you all the money back if you can pull a tiny republican from your pocket".