10. Horton Hears a Ho 9. National Pleasure 2: Book of Secretions 8. I Am Legend...In Bed 7. The Suck It List 6. I Know Who Drilled Me 5. Scat-Atouille 4. Gush Hour 3 3. No Country for Old Balls 2. Alvin in the Chipmunks 1. Iron Man

"So I was talking to my family and we were doing a family get together session, you know the one teens dread? That one. And my mom asks me, 'if you could ask one person 2 questions, what would ask them?' So I thought and decided to "question" the director of the movie 2012." Me: Sir, your movie is based of the catastrophes that might happen in 2012. Will most people die? Director of 2012: Sure. Me: If you go down, do George Clooney and Brad Pitt go down with you, because that will make me the sexiest man alive.

20 = best score in lowball bowling.

Leroy is a 20 year-old 5th grader. This is Leroy's homework assignment. He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence. 1. Hotel - I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody. 2. Dictate - My girlfriend say my dictate good. 3. Income - I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife. 4. Foreclose - If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose. 5. Rectum - I had two Cadillacs, but my bitch rectum both. 6. Disappointment - My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint. 7. Penis - I went to the doctors and he handed me a cup and said penis. 8. Israel - Tito try to sell me a Rolex. I say, "man, it look fake." He say, "Bullshit, that watch israel." 9. Undermine - There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine. 10. Acoustic - When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic and took me to the poolhall. 11. Iraq - When we got to the poolhall, I tol' my uncle iraq, you break. 12. Stain - My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?" 13. Fortify - I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" she say "fortify."

Needing some clothes cleaned in a hurry, a man searched this small Georgia town in which he was visiting until he found a sign which read: "Cleaning and Pressing, 24-Hour Service." After explaining his needs, he said, "I'll be back for my suit tomorrow." "Won't be ready til Saturday," replied the proprietor. "But I thought you had 24-hour service," the customer protested. "We do, son," the proprietor said reproachfully. "But we only work eight hours a day. Today's Thursday - eight hours today, eight hours Friday, eight on Saturday. That's 24-hour service."

24 Signs that You're Getting OLD ---------------------------------------------------------- 1. You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead. 2. Your back goes out more than you do. 3. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room. 4. You buy a compass for the dash of your car/truck. 5. You are proud of your lawn mower. 6. Your best friend is dating someone half their age, and isn't breaking any laws. 7. Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper. 8. You sing along with the elevator music. 9. You would rather go to work than stay home sick. 10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations. 11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge. 12. People call at 9:00 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 13. You answer a question with, "Because I said so." 14. You send money to PBS. 15. The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants. 16. You take a metal detector to the beach. 17. You know what the word "equity" means. 18. You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television. 19. Your ears are hairier than your head. 20. You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn. 21. You get into a heated argument about pension plans. 22. You got cable for The Weather Channel. 23. You can go bowling without drinking. 24. You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them. 2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question. 3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge. 4. 6:00 am is when you get up, not when you go to bed. 5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator. 6. You watch the Weather Channel. 7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up." 8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14. 9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up." 10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next door won't turn down the stereo. 11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you. 12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes any more. 13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up. 14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers. 15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt. 16. You take naps. 17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one. 18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 am would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach. 19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests. 20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit." 21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time. 22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink that much again." 23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work. 24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar. 25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit, what the hell happened?" 26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass.

1. Stand on top of the high board and say you won't come down until your demands are met. 2. Tell the lifeguards that they aren't doing their jobs because you have seen at least 15 people drown today. 3. Ask people if they have seen your pet shark. 4. Sit in the baby pool and play with the toys. 5. Take a flutter board and pretend you can't swim. 6. Hit strangers with your flutter board. 7. Ask an attractive lifeguard to practise CPR on you. 8. Sit in front of a water jet, make moaning sounds and say, ''Oh yeah... oooh that feels soooo good....'' 9. Sit on the top of the water slide and don't move. 10. Swim near a stranger and say, ''Dammit I knew I shouldn't have had watermelon before I came here.'' 11. Insist that you saw a monster at the bottom of the pool. 12. Pretend to drown and then when someone tries to help you, say ''HA-HA, fooled you!'' 13. Scream as someone is trying to do something when jumping off of a diving board. 14. Laugh at fat people in swimsuits. 15. Tell people you saw the lifeguard pissing in the pool. 16. Ask a lifeguard if skinny-dipping is allowed. 17. Try to negotiate the price of getting in. 18. Take a really long time when you are on top of the high dive and then act as though you were pushed off. 19. When in line, ask strangers if they think invisble people get a discount. 20. Take your towel, tie it around your shoulders and say ''Wheee! I'm Batman!'' while running around. 21. Hit strangers with your wet towel. 22. Throw people's things into the pool. 23. Sing and dance on top of the diving board, then do a belly-flop as your grande-finale. 24. Play Marco-Polo by yourself. 25. Ask small children if they have seen any suspicious-looking sea monsters lately.

Two crisps are walking down the road when a car pulls up alongside and the driver leans out and says "Do you fancy a lift?". The crisps reply, "No thanks we're Walkers".

1. Chuck Norris beat the brick wall in tennis. 2. The boogy man does not wait for chuck norris, Chuck Norris waits for the boogy man.