Little Johnny's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures, tacked to a bulletin board, of the 10 most wanted men. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. "Yes," said the policeman. "The detectives want him very badly." So Little Johnny asked, "Then why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?"

A mom was wanting to get her boobs enlarged. Unfortunately for her, she didn't have enough money to get it done. In fact, she had exactly half the money needed. She was telling her son, Little Benny, "Honey, Mommy really wants to get a boob job. But Mommy has only half the money." She hung her head, and her son said puzzled, "Well why can't mommy just pick one?"

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, "Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?" As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabbit, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabbit over there?" She, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice... "I don't fink my pet pyfon weally gives a thit."

During his sermon, the preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike. As he preached, he continued to move briskly about the platform, jerking the mike cord as he went. At one point, he moved to one side and got caught up in the cord, nearly tripping before he jerked it again. After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the second pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?"

A 4-year-old boy was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation. He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food. He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited--and waited. After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, "If I thank God for the broccoli, won't he know that I'm lying?"

A little boy put on his baseball uniform and went outside to play, chanting "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike one! He adjusts his hat and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" He throws the ball in the air, swings and misses. Strike two! He adjusts his hat a little more, takes a couple of practice swings and says, "I'm the best baseball hitter in the world!" Once more, he throws the ball in the air, swings and misses again. Strike three! He thinks for a few moments about what just took place, then says, "I'm the best pitcher in the world!"

A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly. She then asked her students what this proved. One student raised his hand and said, "If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."

The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

A boy asked his mother what the word "shit" meant. The mother didn't know what to say, so she said it meant "food". Then he asked what the word "nigger" meant. She still did not know what to say, so she said "priest". The last word he asked about was "fuck". She really did not know what to say so she said "to get dressed". When the priest came over, the boy said to the priest, "Hey, nigger, the shit is on the table and my mom and dad are fucking in the room".

One day there were 3 children that were sent to the head of the school's office. Their names were Fly, Dick and Piss. When they got there, no one was there so Fly hid on the desk, Dick hid under the desk and Piss started to jump around. When the head of the school got there he said "Fly down, Dick up and Piss on the floor!"