A little boy walked into a petshop and went up to a clerk. The boy asked if she had dachshunds in the store. The clerk said yes, and she went and got the dog out of the cage and handed it to him. He got all excited when he held it and immediately went to the checkout and gave the clerk a check for $100, that he said was his birthday money. He was so excited and anxious that the clerk asked why he wanted that dog so much, and not a big dog like most boys got when they came in. He replied, "I've always wanted to be a cowboy and now I can, because the song says 'Get along little dogie!'"

A child custody case was held in court. The judge felt that the mother and father were both fit to be parents and therefore couldn't decide who he should grant full custody to. So he asks the little boy, "Would you like to live with your mother?" "No," said the boy. "Why not?" said the judge. "Because she beats me." The judge says, "Okay, then you'll go live with your father." "Oh, no," cried the boy, "he beats me too." Dumbfounded, the judge asks "Okay, who do you want to live with?" "I want to live with the New York Yankees." "Why?" asks the judge. "They don't beat anybody."

Two little boys go into the grocery store. One is nine, one is four. The nine-year-old grabs a box of tampons from the shelf and carries it to the register for check-out. The cashier asks "Oh, these must be for your mom, huh?" The nine-year-old replies, "Nope, not for my mom." Without thinking, the cashier responded, "Well, they must be for your sister then?" The nine-year-old responded, "Nope, not for my sister either." The cashier had now become curious. "Oh. Not for your mom and not for your sister -- then who are they for?" The nine-year old says "They're for my four-year-old little brother." The cashier is surprised: "Your four year-old-brother?" The nine-year-old explains: "Well yeah, they say on TV if you wear one of these, you can swim or ride a bike -- and my little brother can't do either of those things."

1. Never trust a dog to watch your food. - Patrick, age 10 2. When your dad is mad and asks you, "Do I look stupid?" don't answer him. - Michael, 14 3. Never tell your mom her diet's not working. - Michael, 14 4. Stay away from prunes. - Randy, 9 5. Never pee on an electric fence. - Robert, 13 6. Don't squat with your spurs on. - Noronha, 13 7. Don't pull dad's finger when he tells you to. - Emily, 10 8. When your mom is mad at your dad, don't let her brush your hair. - Taylia, 11 9. Never allow your three-year old brother in the same room as your school assignment. - Traci, 14 10. Never hold a dust buster and a cat at the same time. - Kyoyo, 9 11. You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. - Armir, 9 12. Felt markers are not good to use as lipstick. - Lauren, 9 13. Don't pick on your sister when she's holding a baseball bat. - Joel, 10 14. When you get a bad grade in school, show it to your mom when she's on the phone. - Alyesha, 13 15. Never try to baptize a cat. - Eileen, 8

A father watched his daughter playing in the garden. He smiled as he reflected on how sweet and innocent his little girl was. He went over to her and noticed she was looking at two spiders mating. "Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?" she asked. "They're mating," her father replied. "What do you call the spider on top, Daddy?" she asked. "That's a daddy longlegs," her father answered. "So, the other one is a mommy longlegs?" the little girl asked. "No," her father replied. "Both of them are daddy longlegs." The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat. "Well, we're not having THAT sort of thing going on in our garden".

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students.The teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm toosmart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third -grade and I'm smarterthan she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"Ms Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harrywaited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what thesituation was.The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failedto answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade andbehave.She agreed.Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreedto take the test.Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"Harry: "9".Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"Harry: "36".And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-gradeshould know.The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go tothe third-grade."Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?" Theprincipal and Harry both agree.Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"Harry, after a moment "Legs."Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"Harry: "Pockets."Ms Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"Harry: "Pants"Ms Brooks: What's a start with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, anddelicious and contains thin whitish liquid?Harry: CoconutMs Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,Harry was taking charge.Harry: BubblegumMs Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and adog do on three legs?The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer.Harry: Shake handsMs Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?Harry: Yep.Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. Iget wet before you do.Harry: TentMs Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. Thebest man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.Harry: Wedding RingMs Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blowme, you feel good.Harry: NoseMs Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.Harry: ArrowMs Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot ofheat and excitement?Harry: Fire truckThe principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."

A five year old boy was living with his mother, as his parents had divorced. One Sunday, she decided to take him to the zoo for the first time in his life. As they passed the various assortment of animals, she would tell the little boy what they were called and make him repeat it. After the lions, gorillas, giraffes and bears, they came upon the elephant exhibit. "That's an elephant", the mother said.After the child repeated after her, he asked, "Mommy? What's that thing hanging down from the elephant?"The mother replied, "That's his trunk, sweetheart.""No, no", said the child, "Behind that!""Oh, that's his tail", she said."No, no!" the boy exclaimed. "That thing in the middle!"The woman was flustered and replied, "Uhhhh, that's nothing, honey!" And they moved on.....The next weekend, the boy's father came to pick him up and the child cried, "Daddy, let's go to the zoo! I learned all about the animals, and I want to show you what I learned!"The father agreed, so off to the zoo they went. As they passed each cage, the child would shout out the name of the animal, and the father would praise him for being so smart. Finally, they arrived at the elephant cage, and the boy shouted, "Elephant!""Very GOOD", beamed the father. "I'm proud of you for remembering all these animals!"The boy asked, "Daddy? What's that thing hanging down on the elephant?"The father replied, "That's his trunk.""No!", the boy moaned, "Behind that!""That's his tail", the father replied. "No, no! That thing in the middle!"The father stammered, "Er...what did your mother say it was?""She said it was nothing!""Well", the man said, puffing out his chest. "Your mother's spoiled!"

A teacher was sitting at her desk grading papers when her first-grade class came back from lunch. Alice informed the teacher, "Paul has to go to the principal's office." "I wonder why," the teacher mused. "Because he's a following person," Alice replied. "A what?" the teacher asked. "It came over the loudspeaker: 'The following persons are to go to the office.'"

Why did the boy eat his homework? Because his teacher said it was a piece of cake

A Grandmother was surprised by her 7 year old grandson one morning when he had made her coffee. She drank what was the worst cup of coffee in her life. When she got to the bottom there were three of those little green army men in the cup. She said, "Honey, what are the army men doing in my coffee?" Her grandson said, "Grandma, it says on TV-'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup!'"