There's an Italian, a Frenchman and an Irishman. The Italian says, "When I've a finished makina da love with my girlfriend I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abova da bed in ecstasy". The Frenchman replies, "Zat is nothing, when Ah 'avefinished making ze love with ze girlfriend Ah kiss all ze waydown her body and zen Ah lick ze soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy". The Irishman says, "That's nahtin'. When I'vefinished shaggin' me bord, I get out of bed, walk over to th' window and wipe me whang on the curtain.She hits the roof!"

There was this couple who always had sex for twenty years with the light off. So one night the wife says lets have sex with the light on. The husband says "tomorrow night honey". That night the wife turns the light on and sees her husband using a cucumber to pleasure her. she screams "You've been using that thing for twenty years, explain it to me." So the husband says "I will as soon as you explain how we have 4 children!!!!"

There were three couples that went to a church and asked to join. There was a newely wed couple, a middle-aged couple, and a older couple. The pastor told them that they had to go without sex for two weeks. Two weeks later they came back to that same church. The pastor asked the newely wed couple how it went. They replied "It was hard the first week, but then we made it through." He asked the older couple, and they replied "we did not have sex at all for the two weeks." He asked the middle-aged couple and the man said "She dropped a paint can!". The pastor said "She dropped a paint can?. The man replied, "She bent over with a paint can in her hand and I just had to get her right then and there!".The pastor said, "I'm sorry you cannot step foot into this church again!" The man said, "That's okay, we can't go into Home Depot either!!"

Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball, Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. He passes the first woman, who looks down at his crotch. "He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his crotch. "He's not my husband either." She says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."

Top Ten Reasons Why Trick-Or-Treating Is Better Than Sex10) You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack. 9) If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again. 8) The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some. 7) You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some. 6) It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are. 5) Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy. 4) If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door. 3) It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning. 2) Less guilt the morning after. 1) YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Two 95 year old men sitting at the senior center one day when the onesays, "I have to get right home!""What's your hurry?" asks the other."Me and the wife are having sex again today"."Again? How often do you have sex?""Every day! I don't have time to talk but I'll tell you what the secret is...Pumpernickel Bread." And he scurried off.As the other old guy was walking home, he passed a bakery and wandered in."Do you have any Pumpernickel Bread?" he asked the lady behind thecounter."Yes, we have 3 shelves of Pumpernickel Bread.""I'll take it all." the old man blurts out.The lady was surprised and says "All of it! It will get hard."The old man replies "WHY DOES EVERYONE KNOW ABOUT THIS BUT ME?"

Two guys are in a bar discussing their sex lives. One guy says to the other, "How's your sex life, buddy?" The other guy answers, "Not too good. Every time me and the missus have sex, she loses interest half-way through. It's very frustrating. " The first guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. I used to have the same problem, but I found a cure. I hid a starter pistol under the bed. When she started to run out of steam, I simply fired the starter pistol. It gave her such a fright that she got all excited, and couldn't get enough. I wish I'd done it years ago!" The other guy says, "Hmmmm... I think I'll try that." The next day they are back in the bar again. The first guy says, "How did you get on with the starter pistol?" The other guy says, "Don't talk to me about starter pistols! Last night we were having a little 69. As usual, she lost interest half way through, so I fired the bloody starter pistol, just like you said." The first guy says, " So??? What happened?" The other guy says, "She bit my whang, pooped on my face, and a naked man came out of the closet with his hands up! "

Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met. Sitting at a café, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind." "Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin. "Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind." The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress. The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour. Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences. Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!" The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner. He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?" The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that goddamn fence wasn't electrified."

Two women were at a bar. One looked at the other and said, "You know, 80 percent of all men think the best way to end an argument is to make love.""Well," said the other woman," that will certainly revolutionize the game of hockey!"

What do you call a hooker-chauffer service?A screwdriver.