An alien and a man were sitting next to each other in a bar. The alien was constantly poking the guy's cheek and saying, "zzzt!" Finally, the guy got so mad at the alien that he said, "If you do that one more time, I'll chop your pecker off!'' Again, the alien poked his cheek and said, "zzzt!" The guy said, "Okay, that's it!" He got up, grabbed the sharpest knife he could find, and pulled down the alien's pants. But he was astounded to see nothing there. He then said, "Well, if you don't have a you know, a whang, how do you have sex?" The alien just smiled, poked the guy's cheek, and said "zzzt!"

An escaped convict broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. As soon as he had a chance, the husband turned to his voluptuous young wife, bound up on the bed in a skimpy nightgown, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. Just cooperate with anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Our lives depend on it." "Dear," the wife hissed, spitting out her gag, "I'm so relieved you feel that way, because he just told me he thinks you have a really nice, tight-looking butt!"

At a medical convention, a male doctor and a female doctor start eyeing each other. The male doctor asks her to dinner and she accepts. As they sit down at the restaurant, she excuses herself to go and wash her hands. After dinner, one thing leads to another and they end up in her hotel bedroom. Just as things get hot, the female doc interrupts and says she has to go and wash her hands. Once she comes back they go for it. After the sex session, she gets up and says she is going to wash her hands. As she comes back the male doc says "I bet you are a surgeon." She confirms and asks how he knew. "Easy, you're always washing your hands." "That's very clever" she says, "I bet you're an anesthesiologist". "Wow, how did you guess?" "I didn't feel a thing"

A young girl in her mid 20's went to a pub and ordered a Bud light.After she drank it she went to a corner and passed out.A sleezy buisness man saw her and had sex with her.She woke up and left like nothing happend. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Bud light again.She drank it again and passed out.The buisness man saw her again and grabbed two of his pals and they had their evil ways with her.She got up and left the pub like nothing else had happened. On the next day she went to the pub again,ordered the same and passed out again.This time twenty men saw her,built up a orderly line and all had sex with her.She woke up and left the pub. The next day she went to the pub and ordered a Coors "Why do you want a Coors instead of a Bud light?" the barman asked her.The girl just said "Because Bud light makes my crotch sore."

A young woman, who was at her father's funeral, asked her mother, "Mom, how did Dad die?" Her mom replied, "Heart attack." "What was he doing?" the daughter asked. Her mother said, "Well, we were having sex." This infuriated the daughter, because they were both 80 years old. The daughter said, "You guys are 80 years old! You should have expected something like this! You're way too old to be engaging in this sort of activity!" The mom replied, "Well, you see, years ago, we realized that at noon every day, the church bells rang. So, we decided to work along to that nice, slow rhythm so that your father wouldn't have a heart attack. It worked for years too. That poor guy... he'd still be alive today if that darned Ice Cream truck hadn't come along..."

Bob was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear. The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin. I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly, Bob decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Bob. Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Bob soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Bob. That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or I have sex with you." Again, Bob thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Bob. Although he survived, it took several months before Bob fully recovered. Now Bob was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shoot it. He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on his shoulder. He turned around to find a giant polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Bob, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?"

"Chili's a lot like sex: When it's good it's great, and even when it's bad, it's not so bad."

"Daddy, where did I come from?" the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproductions. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. "Does that answer your question?" her father asked. "Not really," the little girl said. "Marcia said she came from Newcastle. I want to know where I came from."

How do you know when your wife is dead?The sex is the same but the dishes start to pile up.

Legend has it that in a pub in Newyork has a magic mirror that will grant wishes if you tell the truth.If you don't POOF you're gone in a flash of smoke. A brunette,a redhead and a blonde went to this pub and headed straight for the mirror. The redhead walked up to it and said "I think I am the most beautiful girl in the world." POOF.She was gone. The brunette walked up and said "I think I am the most sexiest girl in the world." POOF.She too had disappaered. The blonde walked up and said "I think..." POOF!