Q: How does a blind man have sex?A: With his eyes closed.

Q: What's the difference between a hooker & a lawyer?A: A hooker stops screwing you when you're dead!

Q: What's the worst thing about having sex with Michael Jackson? A: When the crib breaks.

Sadie and Esther, two elderly widows, are sitting, people-watching, in a Catskill hotel lobby."You know, " says Sadie, "I've been reading this sex and Marriage book and all they talk about is mutual orgasm; mutual orgasm here, mutual orgasm there, that's all they talk about.Tell me, Esther, when your husband was alive, did you ever have mutual orgasm?""No," says Esther, "I think we had Allstate."

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Vermont as far from humanity as possible. Sam sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded Vermonter standing there. "Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.""Great," says Sam, "after six months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you." As Enoch is leaving he stops, "Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinkin'.""Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em."Again, as he starts to leave Enoch stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.""Damn", Sam thinks... "Tough crowd." "Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again Enoch turns from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.""Now that's not a problem" says Sam, "Remember I've been alone for six months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?"Enoch stops in the door again and says, "Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us."

SEX IS LIKE A KFC YOU START WITH THE BREAST, WORK YOUR WAY DOWN THE THIGH AND ALL YOUR LEFT WITH IS A GREASY BOX TO PUT YOUR BONE IN

Signs your spouse is having an affair by computer:

Similarities between Nixon and ClintonNixon:WatergateClinton:WaterbedNixon: His biggest fear - the Cold WarClinton:His biggest fear - a Cold SoreNixon: Worried about carpet bombsClinton:Worried about carpet burnsNixon: His Vice President was a GreekClinton:His Vice President is a geekNixon: Couldn't stop KissingerClinton:Couldn't stop kissing herNixon: Couldn't explain the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapeClinton:Couldn't explain the 36-DD bra in his brief caseNixon: His nickname was Tricky DickClinton:sameNixon: Ex-PresidentClinton:Sex-PresidentNixon: Known for campaign slogan "Nixon's The One"Clinton:Known for women pointing at him saying, "He's the one!"Nixon: Famous for his widow's peakClinton:Famous for bringing widows to their peakNixon:Well acquainted with G. Gordon LiddyClinton:Well acquainted with the G SpotNixon: Took on Ho Chi MinhClinton:Took on HoNixon: Talked about achieving peace with honorClinton:Talked about getting a piece while on her

Superman wakes up one day and realizes that he has done everything he could done in metropolis and he was totally bored. He flies away in search of something to do. Pretty soon he comes across Batman swinging across a few skyscrapers.Superman yells down, "Hey Batman, got anything I can help you with?" Batman shouts back up, "No, Superman. I've got everything under control."Superman continues onward. Eventually he flies over the ocean and looks down at Aquaman. Superman yells, "Hey Aquaman, gimme something to do!" Aquaman looks up and yells back, "Sorry Superman, there's nothing for you to do here.Superman by this point is totally exasperated. He starts to fly back to Metropolis when he all of a sudden sees Wonder Woman lying nude on the beach. "Yes!" thinks Superman. "If I zoom down and do her really quick like only I can do, she'll never know what hit her!" Superman swoops out of the sky, does his thing in about 5 seconds flat, and flies away before he gets caught.Wonder Woman opens her eyes with a shock and says in surprise, "What was that all about?"Then the Invisible Man rolls off of her and says, "I don't know, but my butt is killing me."

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest, and asked if the priest would hear his confession."Of course, my son," said the priest."Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic, and they never found her.""That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest."It's worse, Father. I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man."Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her. I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest."Thanks, Father," said the old man."That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?""Of course,my son," said the priest.The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"