A priest, gets a haircut in a Washington barbershop, he then asks how much he owes. "No charge, Father"... the barber said..."I consider it a service to the Lord." The next morning, the barber finds two dozen small prayer booklets on his stoop. Two days later, a police officer comes in for a cut and asks..."how much do I owe you?" "No charge, officer"...the barber says..."I consider it a service to my community." The next morning the barber finds a dozen doughnuts on his stoop. A few days later a Senator walks in for a haircut..."how much do I owe you?"...he asks. "No charge"...the barber replied.."I consider it a service to my country." The next morning the barber arrives at his shop only tofind a dozen Senators waiting on his stoop!

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true. "I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed. The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are damn good drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back." The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. "Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman. The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin' where did you go for the past 30 minutes?". The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "NO! I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology, and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean $200?!"

A wee guy was sitting at a bar staring at his drink for ages. Suddenly, a big biker came along, snatched his glass, guzzled down the contents and laughed, "Hah! So what you gonna do about that, little man?" "Nothing," sighed the little guy despondently. "You see, today has been the worst day of my life. This morning I overslept and was late for an important meeting. My boss was furious and so he sacked me. I cleared my desk, went to my car, only to discover that it wasn't there - somebody had stolen it. So I got a taxi home, but when it came to paying the driver I realised I'd forgotten my wallet. I then went into my house and I found my wife in bed with the gardener. So I left home and came to this bar. And just when I was thinking about ending it all, you came along and drank my poison..."

Ever stop to think...and forget to start again? I are proud to be a college studentConserve toilet paper...use both sides Don't come knockin' if the car is a rockin' 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain Keep honking...I'm reloading Don't steal....the government hates competition I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like his passengers!

Every night, after dinner, a man took off for the local tavern. He spent the whole evening there, and arrived home very drunk around midnight each night. He always had trouble getting his key into the keyhole and getting the door opened. His wife, waiting up for him, would go to the door and let him in. Then she would proceed to yell and scream at him, for his constant nights out, and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry continued his nightly routine. One day, the wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior, and was particularly distraught by it all. The friend listened to her, and then said, "Why don't you treat him a little differently, when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words, and welcome him home with a kiss? He then might change his ways." The wife thought that might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again, after dinner. And, about midnight, he arrived home, in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door, and quickly went to it, and opened the door, and let Harry in. This time, instead of berating him, as she had always done, she took his arm, and led him into the living room. She sat him down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the ottoman and took his shoes off. Then she went behind him, and started to cuddle him a little. After a little while, she said to him, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we had better go upstairs to bed, now, don't you think?" At that, Harry replied, in his inebriated state, "I guess we might as well. I'll be getting in trouble with the stupid wife when I get home anyway!"

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine. One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea. That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition. His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?" Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

"Get this." said the English bloke to his mates, "Last night while I was down the pub with you guys, a burglar broke into my house."Did he get anything?" his mates asked."yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of broken nuts. The wife thought it was me coming home drunk."

IN PRISON...You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle. IN PRISON...You get three meals a day.AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal; you have to pay for it. IN PRISON...You get time off for good behavior. AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work. IN PRISON...A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you. AT WORK.....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself. IN PRISON...You can watch TV and play games. AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games. IN PRISON...You get your own toilet. AT WORK.....You have to share. IN PRISON...They allow your family and friends to visit. AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends. IN PRISON...All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required. AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work, and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners. IN PRISON...You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out. AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars. IN PRISON...There are wardens who are often sadistic. AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.