A man left work one Friday afternoon. Being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend hunting with the boys and spent his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions. Finally, his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?" To which he replied, "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A man walks along a lonely beach. suddenly he hears a deep voice: DIG!He looks around: nobody's there. I am having hallucinations, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: I SAID, DIG!So he starts to dig in the sand with his bare hands, and after some inches, he finds a small chest with a rusty lock. The deep voice says: OPEN !Ok, the man thinks, let's open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally open, he sees a lot of gold coins. The deep voice says: TO THE CASINO !Well the casino is only a few miles away, so the man takes the chest and walks to the casino. The deep voice says: ROULETTE !So he changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. The deep voice says: 27 !He takes the whole pile and drops it at the 27. The table nearly bursts. Everybody is quiet when the croupier throws the ball. The ball stops at the 26.The deep voice says: Damn.

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk, and staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool and, with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink. The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink, he could not be served additional liquor at this bar, and could a cab be called for him? The drunk is briefly surprised, then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool and staggers out the front door. A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the SIDE door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over and, still politely - but more firmly, refuses service to the man due to his inebriation, and again offers to call a cab. The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head. A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits and belligerently orders a drink. The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately. The surprised drunk looks at the bartender, and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

A man who drank only beer all his life walked into his regular bar. He asks the bartender, give me a shot of wiskey fast. The bartender says to the man,you have been coming in here for years and all you drink is beer. What seems to be the trouble? The man replys: I just found out my first son is gay.The bartender says ,sorry to hear that. The man drank his drink and left. The next day the same man entered the bar. Bartender give me another shot make it a double! The bartender says what seems to be the problem today? The man repled, I just found out my second son is gay.The bartender replys sorry to hear that. The man drinks his drink and leaves. The next day the same man comes in and says: bartender give me the GODDMN bottle!! Then the bartender asks: doesn't anyone in your family like women? The man said: Yeah, my wife.

An American was backpacking across the highlands, when he came across a small village where he decided to spend the night.Upon entering the local pub that evening for some drinks with the locals, he found himself in a conversation with one particularly drunk and indignant individual."Ya see that fence out there?" The old man asked the backpacker. "I built that fence with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the fence builder? No!""And that church out there. I hoisted the bell up to the top with me own hands. But ya think they call me MacGregor the church builder? No!"And that bridge. I put it together stone by stone. But ya think they call me MacGregor the bridge builder? No!""But ya screw one goat..."

An elderly couple had been dating for some time and decided it was finally time to marry.Before the wedding they embarked on a long conversation regarding howtheir marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangementsand so on.Finally the old man decided it was time to broach the subject of theirsexual relationship..."How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather hopefully."Well, I'd have to say I like it infrequently," she responded.The old guy paused....then he asked, "Was that one word or two?"

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place. Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!" "Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?" "No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors, green, red, orange, blue, and yellow. The old man just stared. The young man said, "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?" The old man replied, "Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son."

A nun, really needing to go to the bathroom, walked into a local Hooters. The place was hopping with music and dancing, but every once in a while the lights would turn off. Each time after the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revelers saw the nun, the room went dead silent. She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the restroom? The bartender replied, "I really don't think you should.." "Why not?" the nun asked. "Well, there is a statue of a naked man in there, and his most private parts are covered only by a fig leaf." "Nonsense," said the nun, "I'll just look the other way." So, the bartender showed the nun the door at the top of the stairs, and she preceded to the restroom. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place was hopping with music and dancing again. However, they did stop just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause. She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?" "Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender, "Would you like a drink?" "But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled nun. "You see," laughed the bartender, "every time the fig leaf on the statue is lifted up, the lights go out in the whole place. Now, how about that drink?"

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a peg leg, hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.The bartender asks "So, what happened to your leg?"The pirate says "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy and they blew up me ship, I fell over board, and a shark bit me leg off.""Oh," said the bartender,"what happened to your hand?"The pirate replies, "Aaar, I was fighting the British Navy again, and won came up and chopped me hand of with his sword."The bartender then asked,"Well what happened to your eye?"The pirate answered, "Aaar, I was walking down the beach and I looked up and there were some seagulls and one doodooed in me eye.""And that caused your eye to be put out?," asked the bartender.To this the pirate said,"No, first day with me hook!"