I watched an ant climb a blade of grass this morning. When he reached the top, his weight bent the blade down to the ground. Then, twisting his thorax with insectile precision, he grabbed hold of the next blade. In this manner, He traveled across the lawn, covering as much distance vertically as he did horizontally, which amused and delighted me. And then, all at once, I had what is sometimes called an "epiphany", a moment of heightened awareness in which everything becomes clear. Yes, hunched over that ant on my hands and knees, I suddenly knew what I had to do... Quit drinking before noon.

My uncle had a beer gut that weighed two hundred pounds He used a wheelbarrow to haul it into town They treat him like a king when he walks into Woody's bar His beer gut pays for lights and heat and Woody's brand new car. Nudsie got a beer gut that gets bigger every year Since Nudsie gave up lifting weights and started hoisting beer He was lying on the beach one day, the bbq kept getting hotter Some save the whale freaks came and dragged him back into the water. Beer guts of America stand up if you can Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer Mungo drank a pony keg at Droopy Aho's wedding His eyes went rolling round and round and then he started sweating He tripped on Duck and Fuzz 'cause they were passed out on the floor He landed on his beer gut and he bounced right out the door I took my date into the sauna and on the bench we sat She pointed and she said "I've never seen one big as that." She held it and she stroked it and she told me with a smile, "Body builders make me sick, but beer guts drive me wild." Beer guts of America stand up if you can Stick out your big beer gut and hoist a cool one in your hand Your beer gut is your buddy, it's a friend who's always near And all you ever have to do is feed it lots of beer.

Nellie, shopping at her local supermarket, selects a quart of milk, a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon and aquart of orange juice. A drunk standing behind her, watches as she places the items in front of the cashier. He says to her..."you must be single." The woman, startled but intrigued by the derelict's intuition, looked at her four items on the belt. Seeing nothing particularly unusual about her items, she says..."well, you're correct, but how on earth did you know that?" The drunk staggers as he puts his beer in front of the same cashier and says..."cause you're ugly!"

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes.Meanwhile, all the other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. As soon as he pulled onto the street, the officer stopped him, read him his rights and administered the breathalyzer test to determine his blood-alcohol content.The results showed a reading of 0.0.The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy."

One sunny day in Ireland, two men were sitting in a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says "You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I'm gonna go over there and talk to him."So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. "Excuse me sir" he starts, "but I noticed you look just like me!" The second man turns around and says "Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where you from?""I'm from Dublin" came the reply."Me too! What street do you live on?""McCarthy street"The second man replies, "Me too! What number is it?""162" the first man replies."Me too! What are your parents names?""Connor and Shannon"The second man, almost dumbfounded says, "Mine too! This is unbelievable!" So, they buy some more Guinness and they're talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes up to the other bartender and asks "What's new today?""Oh nothing much, the Murphy twins are drunk again though."

On the first day God created the cow... God said, "you must go to field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer...for that I will give you a life span of sixty years." The cow said, "that's kind of a tough life, you want me to live for sixty years...let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty" and God agreed. On the second day, God created the dog... God said, "sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past...I'll give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "that's too long to be barking... give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten." So God agreed. On the third day God created the monkey... God said, entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh... I'll give you a twenty year life span." the monkey said, "how boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so...dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too." And God agreed again. Now on the fourth day, God created man... God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy...do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy... I'll give you twenty years." Man said, "what...only twenty years? no way man, tell you what, I'll take my twenty...the forty cow gave back... the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back... that makes eighty, okay?" "Okay," said God... "you've got a deal!" So this is why for... the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing... the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family... the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren... the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody... life has now been explained.

The Policeman had stopped the man for obvious drunken driving, but since the guy had a clean record, he made him park the car and took him home in the patrol car. "Are you sure this is your house?" the cop asked as they drove into a rather fashionable neighborhood. "Shertainly!" said the drunk, "and if you'll just open the door f'me, I can prove it to ya." Entering the living room, he said, "You shee that piano? Thash mine. You shee that giant television set? Thast mine too. Now follow me." The police officer followed the man as he shakily negotiated the stairs to the second floor. The drunk pushed open the first door they came to. "Thish ish my bedroom," he announced. "Shee the bed there? Thast mine! Shee that woman lying in the bed? Thash my wife. An' see that guy lying next to her? "Yeah?" the cop replied suspiciously. Beginning at this point to seriously doubt the man's story. "Well, thash me!"

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour. Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison..."

There was a little boy who lived on a farm. One morning when he got up from bed his mother told him he needed to start doing his chores around the farm. The little boy said he would take over the chores for his dad. So he went to the barn and milked the cow when he was done he kicked the cow right in the ass. Then he went and fed the pig, when he was done he kicked the pig in the ass. Then he went to feed the chicken, when he was done he kicked the chicken in the ass. After the chores were done the little boy went into the house and said to his mother "The chores are done I want some breakfast". So the mom put a dry bowl of cereal down in front of the little boy, he said, "What about the milk?", and the mother replied "You can't have any milk because you kicked the cow in the ass". The little boy said, "Well how about some bacon?" the mother replied, "You can't have any bacon because you kicked the pig in the ass". The little boy said "Can I at least have an egg?" The mother replied, "No, you kicked the chicken in the ass". In walks his father, who kicked the cat, and the little boy said to his mother "Do you want to tell him or should I?"

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry.""No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.""I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."