A Windows customer said when he closes his windows, they disappear.

The following are new Windows messages that are under consideration for the planned Windows 2000: 1. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue. 2. Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue. 3. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit. 4. Press any key except... no, No, NO, NOT THAT ONE! 5. Press Ctrl-Alt-Del now for IQ test. 6. Close your eyes and press escape three times. 7. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner. 8. This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? 9. Windows message: "Error saving file! Format drive now? (Y/Y)" 10. This is a message from God Gates: "Rebooting the world. Please log off." 11. To "shut down" your system, type "WIN." 12. BREAKFAST.SYS halted... Cereal port not responding. 13. COFFEE.SYS missing... Insert cup in cup holder and press any key. 14. CONGRESS.SYS corrupted... Re-boot Washington D.C? (Y/N) 15. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N) 16. Bad or missing mouse. Spank the cat? (Y/N) 17. Runtime Error 6D at 417A:32CF: Incompetent User. 18. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N) 19. WinErr 16547: LPT1 not found. Use backup. (PENCIL & PAPER.SYS) 20. User Error: Replace user. 21. Windows VirusScan 1.0 - "Windows found: Remove it? (Y/N)" 22. Welcome to Microsoft's World - Your Mortgage is Past Due... 23. If you are an artist, you should know that Bill Gates owns you and all your future creations. Doesn't it feel nice to have security? 24. Your hard drive has been scanned and all stolen software titles have been deleted. The police are on the way.

If you have half a brain, you can't help but notice the throng of publications, analysts and net users declaring Windows95 the Saviour of the Computer Industry. If you have less than half a brain, you probably believe it. Could it be? To find out, let's compare Windows95 against a widely-accepted Saviour, Jesus of Nazareth: Jesus Windows95 Jesus: Said, "Surely I come quickly." Windows 95: Has been promised "any day now." Jesus:Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive Windows 95: Is taking a lot longer to actually arrive. Jesus: Can walk on water. Windows 95: Can crawl on a 486. Jesus: Sits in judgement at the pearly gates. Windows 95: Will be used to judge Bill Gates. Jesus: Bible says, "In Him, all things Windows 95 doesn't even run all are possible." Windows 95: doesn't even run all possible Windows apps. Jesus: Started life as a carpenter. Windows 95:Turns perfectly good computers into furniture. Jesus: Born in a manger. Windows 95:Resembles something found in a barn. Jesus:Remembered for protecting the weak. Windows 95:Has weak memory protection. Jesus:Was raised from the dead. Windows 95:Was created from Windows 3.1. Jesus performed great works for the multitudes. Windows 95 multitasking performance barely works. Jesus has no sin. Windows 95 has no shame. if this offends any Christians out there, I don't really care. But you can email me if you think it will make you feel better.

The following is a list of undocumented Windows 95 error codes which somehow got overlooked when printing the documentation. --------------------------------------------------------- --------------------------------------------------------- WinErr 001: Windows loaded - System in danger [Purchased Win95?] WinErr 002: No Error - Yet WinErr 003: Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr 004: Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr 005: Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr 006: Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr 007: System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr 008: Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr 009: Horrible bug encountered - God knows what has happened WinErr 00A: Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr 00B: Inadequate disk space - Free at least 50MB WinErr 00C: Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! WinErr 00D: Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr 00E: Window open - Do not look inside WinErr 00F: Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr 010: Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr 011: Window open - Do not look outside WinErr 012: Window closed - Do not look inside WinErr 013: Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr 014: Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr 018: Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows licence is not valid anymore. WinErr 019: User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr 01A: Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software. We are terribly sorry. WinErr 01B: Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr 01C: Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr 01D: System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr 01E: Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr 01F: Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr 020: Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr 042: Virus error - A virus has been activated in a dos-box. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr 079: Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr 103: Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr 678: This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr 683: Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr 815: Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 Bytes available

Recently the following undocumented Windows 98 error-codes were found. Microsoft forgot to explain them in the manuals, so they will be spread via the Internet: WinErr: 001 Windows loaded - System in danger WinErr: 002 No Error - Yet WinErr: 003 Dynamic linking error - Your mistake is now in every file WinErr: 004 Erroneous error - Nothing is wrong WinErr: 005 Multitasking attempted - System confused WinErr: 006 Malicious error - Desqview found on drive WinErr: 007 System price error - Inadequate money spent on hardware WinErr: 008 Broken window - Watch out for glass fragments WinErr: 009 Horrible bug encountered - God only knows what has happened WinErr: 00A Promotional literature overflow - Mailbox full WinErr: 00B Inadequate disk space - Free at least 500MB WinErr: 00C Memory hog error - More Ram needed. More! More! More! WinErr: 00D Window closed - Do not look outside WinErr: 00E Window open - Do not look inside WinErr: 00F Unexplained error - Please tell us how this happened WinErr: 010 Reserved for future mistakes by our developers WinErr: 013 Unexpected error - Huh ? WinErr: 014 Keyboard locked - Try anything you can think of. WinErr: 018 Unrecoverable error - System has been destroyed. Buy a new one. Old Windows license is not valid anymore. WinErr: 019 User error - Not our fault. Is Not! Is Not! WinErr: 01A Operating system overwritten - Please reinstall all your software... Yet again. WinErr: 01B Illegal error - You are not allowed to get this error. Next time you will get a penalty for that. WinErr: 01C Uncertainty error - Uncertainty may be inadequate. WinErr: 01D System crash - We are unable to figure out our own code. WinErr: 01E Timing error - Please wait. And wait. And wait. And wait. WinErr: 01F Reserved for future mistakes of our developers. WinErr: 020 Error recording error codes - Additional errors will be lost. WinErr: 042 Virus error - A virus has been activated in a DOS session. The virus, however, requires Windows. All tasks will automatically be closed and the virus will be activated again. WinErr: 079 Mouse not found - A mouse driver has not been installed. Please click the left mouse button to continue. WinErr: 103 Error buffer overflow - Too many errors encountered. Additional errors may not be displayed or recorded. WinErr: 678 This will end your Windows session. Do you want to play another game? WinErr: 683 Time out error - Operator fell asleep while waiting for the system to complete boot procedure. WinErr: 815 Insufficient Memory - Only 50,312,583 bytes available. WinErr: 844 Competing Product - Remove all competing products and install Microsoft equivalents. WinErr: 910 Personal Data Communicate Difficulties - Could not transmit social insurance number and or tax details back to Microsoft headquarters for further analysis. WinErr: 960 Minimal Effort - User has only reinstalled Internet Explorer four times while trying to get it operational, please reinstall again. WinErr: 2000 You have not downloaded your daily Y2K and security glitch patch.

This is a true story from the WordPerfect helpline. Needless to say, the help desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause." Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee with a caller: "Ridge Hall computer assistant; may I help you?" "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect." "What sort of trouble?" "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away." "Went away?" "They disappeared." "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?" "Nothing." "Nothing?" "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type." "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out?" "How do I tell?" "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen?" "What's a sea-prompt?" "Never mind. Can you move the cursor around on the screen?" "There isn't any cursor, I told you, it won't accept anything I type." "Does your monitor have a power indicator?" "What's a monitor?" "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on?" "I don't know." "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that?" "Yes, I think so." "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall." ".......Yes, it is." "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one?" "No." "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable." ".......Okay, here it is." "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer." "I can't reach." "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is?" "No." "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over?" "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark." "Dark?" "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window." "Well, turn on the office light then." "I can't." "No? Why not?" "Because there's a power outage." "A power... A power outage? Ah, okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in?" "Well, yes, I keep them in the closet." "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from." "Really? Is it that bad?" "Yes, I'm afraid it is." "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them?" "Tell them you're too stupid to own a computer."

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK, put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

"One day a friend of mine called me up to tell me he was thinking of buying a computer. This guy is particularly sensitive to criticism and not exactly in the upper echelon of the IQ range, and personally I don't think he should own a programmable VCR much less a computer, but he's a good guy, so I said "good for you." The following conversation ensued: * Him: "Well, I have a couple questions though, that I thought I should ask you, cause you know about those things, right?" * Me: "Yeah, ok, what do you want to know?" * Him: "Well . . . what one should I buy?" * Me: "What do you want to do with it mostly? Play games, word processsing (blah blah blah) . . .?" Twenty minutes later . . . * Him: "Well, I think probably I should get a real fast one, you know, cause I want it to go fast so I don't have to wait for the Internet." I proceed to explain, SLOWLY, about the difference between megahertz and modem speed, which takes another twenty minutes. * Him: "So how much is this going to cost me anyway?" * Me: "It all depends on what you want. Some stuff costs more." (Now, let me say here that at the very beginning of all this I had stated that neither a monitor nor a printer would come with a computer itself, unless you went for a package deal. He was, at this point, saying that he wanted to spend about $500 and that everything had to be from the same manufacturer. This was when the 550 P3 had just come out, so prices were still higher than $500 for any system you could go buy in a Circuit City, which he said he HAD to do.) * Him: "Well, you know, I just want the basic stuff, a monitor, and a printer and a scanner, and maybe a camera, plus the stuff to make cards and print photos and all that, and the stuff to take care of paying my bills, and online." * Me: "Ok, well, you need to get a system first, then think about the extras. You really need to learn the basics first. A computer with a monitor and a printer is probably going to be a minimum of $800 to $1000, if you really want them all to be from the same company." * Him: "REALLY?! Well, ok, but I probably will need two printers, so it'll be more then, huh?" * Me: "What?" * Him: "Yeah, you can do that, right, hook up two of the same printer to one computer?" * Me: "Well . . . NO, you can't." * Him: "But I'll need to do that!" * Me: "No, really, you won't. Why do you think that?" * Him: "Ok, wait, I know, what about two computers? Can you do that? Can you hook two computers together?" * Me: "But . . . why? No." * Him: "But I am going to NEED that! You can't do that for me?!" * Me: "Ok, ya know what, what the hell are you talking about?!? No one ever NEEDS to do what you are talking about doing so why do you think you need to do this?" * Him: "Well, when I go to print out that manuscript I'm going to write, it'll probably be like 800 pages or so, so how am I ever going to get one printer to print that much, and one computer probably can't even hold that much in one thing, right?" Inside, I was going ballistic at this point, and it did boil over, especially since there is NO WAY there is 800 pages worth of anything in this guy's head, but I explained that (a) one computer can in fact "hold" that much and a whole lot more, and (b) one printer (unless it is a huge Xerox or other office type industrial machine) CAN'T hold that much paper in one shot. I hope that none of you nice tech support people never EVER get a call from this guy, because I guarantee you it will be the worst call you ever get in your life. You guys may all have to get together and dedicate a page to him, posting only his calls, just to vent your anger. He is the cupholder guy, the NOSMOKE.EXE guy, the guy who insists he "hasn't changed anything" when he really edited his AUTOEXEC.BAT and CONFIG.SYS to include lines like "and don't say I'm bad and an invalid," and the guy who has everything plugged in but nothing where it is supposed to be plugged in. He WILL have his powerstrip plugged into itself and will insist that it is NOT. May the force be with you all; you'll need it."

A boy named Ronald bought a Xbox for Christmas. 7 months later, the Xbox broke. He knew he needed to replace it with a new one, but the shop where he bought it was closed down in favor for a shoe store. He went to the new console shop which was just a kilometer away. He saw an Xbox and he knew he got enough money for it, so he said he wanted an Xbox and the cashier said: "Your Xbox will be delivered in 2 or 3 days." In 2 days, the doorbell rang. He knew it is the Xbox he ordered. Outside was a man with glasses, holding a box where Ronald thought inside was an Xbox, but when he opened it, he was shocked. It was a box marked with an X on the cover and inside was a game for Xbox only. Thus a bad discussion went through: "I said I want an Xbox!" "That is your Xbox with a game for Xbox also!" "But it's a box with an X marked on it. I want the Xbox!" "But that's your Xbox!" "The digital type!" "Ohhhh! I will call the president of our company. Maybe he can fix the problem." After 2 weeks, he got another box but this time, the man with glasses didn't appear. The box was just sitting there, on the rocky path to the door. He picked it up. It seemed to be heavy. When he opened it, a letter with an Anvil said: Dear Ronald I know you wanted an Xbox but the one you might have seen in the store, the digital one, was reserved for someone else before you asked for it. Send me a letter back if you want to know who owns it. So Ronald sent a letter to the president. After a while, the reply came to Ronald. It was a very rude letter: Dear Ronald The Xbox belonged to me, because I was really poor and just stole money to buy the store and Xbox. It's busted now, so you can never have it! Ronald was very angry. Then he told the police to put a "pretend" bill to the president for breaking the Xbox.

Yesterday, All those backups seemed a waste of pay. Now my database has gone away. Oh I believe in yesterday. Suddenly, There's not half the files there used to be, And there's a milestone hanging over me The system crashed so suddenly. I pushed something wrong What it was I could not say. Now all my data's gone and I long for yesterday-ay-ay-ay. Yesterday, The need for back-ups seemed so far away. I knew my data was all here to stay, Now I believe in yesterday.