There was a lawyer and he was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, "You're beautiful!" and then he fell asleep again. His wife had never heard him say that so she stayed by his side. A couple minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said "You're cute!" Well, the wife was disappointed because instead of "beautiful" it was "cute." She said, "What happened to 'beautiful?'" His reply was, "The drugs are wearing off!"

"Can I help you?" the madam asked "I want Natalie," the elderly man replied. "Sir, Natalie is our most expensive lady, perhaps someone else..." "No," said the man, "I must see Natalie." Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $10,000 per visit. Without blinking, the man reached into his pocket and handed her 100 hundred dollar bills. The two went up to a room for an hour, after which the man calmly left. The next night he appeared again, demanding to see Natalie. The madam explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts. It was still $10,000 per visit. Again, the man took out the money and the two went up to the room. When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money, and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour, Natalie questioned the man: "No one has ever paid for my services three nights in a row. Where are you from?" The old man replied, "I'm from Philadelphia." "Really?" replied Natalie "I have family who live there." "Yes, I know," said the old man. "Your father died; I'm your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000." So the moral here is that some things in life are certain: death, taxes, and being screwed by an attorney.

A bicyclist came whizzing down a steep hill and smashed into a car as I stood there watching in horror. I ran over to see if I could help and discovered the wild rider was a friend of mine, an attorney. I knew he was going to be just fine when the first words out of his mouth were, "Did the driver admit he was at fault?"

Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit ? A: The bucket.

A big-city lawyer was representing the railroad in a lawsuit filed by an old rancher. The rancher's prize bull was missing from the section through which the railroad passed. The rancher only wanted to be paid the fair value of the bull. The case was scheduled to be tried before the justice of the peace in the back room of the general store. The attorney for the railroad immediately cornered the rancher and tried to get him to settle out of court. The lawyer did his best selling job, and finally the rancher agreed to take half of what he was asking. After the rancher had signed the release and took the check, the young lawyer couldn't resist gloating a little over his success, telling the rancher, "You know, I hate to tell you this, old man, but I put one over on you in there. I couldn't have won the case. The engineer was asleep and the fireman was in the caboose when the train went through your ranch that morning. I didn't have one witness to put on the stand. I bluffed you!" The old rancher replied, "Well, I'll tell you, young feller, I was a little worried about winning that case myself, because that durned bull came home this morning."

Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand.

Mrs. Hunter was called to serve for jury duty, but asked to be excused because she didn't believe in capital punishment and didn't want her personal thoughts to prevent the trial from running its proper course. But the public defender liked her thoughtfulness and tried to convince her that she was appropriate to serve on the jury. "Madam," he explained, "this is not a murder trial! It's a simple civil lawsuit. A wife is bringing this case against her husband because he gambled away the $12,000 he had promised to use to remodel the kitchen for her birthday." "Well, okay," agreed Mrs. Hunter, "I'll serve. I guess I could be wrong about capital punishment after all!"

A lawyer was having a nice peacful time at home one day when the phone rang. He answered it and it was a man asking for donations towards a charity. The lawyer tries to tell the man politely that he wouldn't donate. But the man kept pushing and pushing. The man said over the phone, "But Sir, I know for a fact you are a very wealthy lawyer, you make tons of money each year, and as I look over this information sheet I don't see any donations you have made to any charities in the last five years. Don't you think it's time you gave something back to the community that's treated you so well?" The lawyers now pissed replies, "Look! I have a sick mother who requires an expensive surgery, my brother is handicapped and needs money to install ramps into his home so he can get back to a normal life, my sister needs money to get her dog an operation, and my father was injured on the job and now they're repossessing his house unless he comes up with $5000 by the end of the week." The man over the phone stammers, "I-I-I'm sorry sir. I had no idea that many people needed money from you." The lawyers replies, "Damn right! And if they can't get me to give them a dime, what makes you think you stand a chance??"

How was copper wire invented? Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial it went like this: Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away. Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Q. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life. Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do. Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do. Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir. Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room. With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's "Best comeback" line and we think he'll win.