An older man, Mr.Brown, in his hospital room knew that he was nearing his death, so he called in the three people that he trusted the most - his doctor, his pastor, and his lawyer. They were all waiting sadly outside of his room, when he called in his doctor. The doctor walked in slowly expecting to have to reassure the diagnosis. To his surprise, his patient handed him $30,000 in cash. Mr. Brown simply said, "When I die, put this in my coffin." The doctor walked walked out confused and told the pastor that Mr. Brown was ready for him. Now the pastor walked in expecting for Mr. Brown to confess every sin he ever committed in hopes of ending it right. To his surprise, the old man handed him another $30,000; Mr. Brown simply repeated himself. His pastor walked out searching the possibilities and told the lawyer that his client was ready for him. The lawyer walked in expecting that his client would want to review his will. To his surprise, Mr. Brown handed him another $30,000 and calmly repeated himself. Later that night, Mr. Brown passed on. 3 days later his lamenting family members set up a small funeral in his honor. The lawyer, the doctor, and the pastor all showed up. After the funeral, they gathered and discussed what they did with the small fortunes so simply handed to them. The doctor spoke up with a look of defeat on his face, "I was going to return the money, but that poor little girl could not afford the operation." The pastor spoke up with a similar look, "I was going to return the money, but we were so close to the price of the new sanctuary." The lawyer spoke up with the look of triumph on his face, "I knew that ya'll would fail, so I wrote a check for $90,000 to cover all of our debt."

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? A: The old drunk of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A. A good start! Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A. His lips are moving. Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk. Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A. Professional courtesy. Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A. Not enough sand. Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School? A. A Lobotomy. Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers? A. Who cares? Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers? A. A waste of cement. Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning? A1. Shoot him before he hits the water. A2. Take your foot off his head. Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A. Cut the rope. Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer? A1. Back over him to make sure. A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t? A. The bucket. Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")? A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff. Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"? A. There was an empty seat. Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should? A. Stick his bill up his ass. Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? A. An offer you can't understand. Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses? A. From chasing parked ambulances. Q. Where can you find a good lawyer? A. In the cemetery. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a gigolo? A. A gigolo only screws one person at a time. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A. A vampire only sucks blood at night. Q. Why to lawyers wear neckties? A. To keep the foreskin from crawling up their chins. Q. What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer? A. A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead. Q. If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why don't you swerve to hit him? A. It might be your bicycle. Q. What do lawyers use as contraceptives? A. Their personalities. Q. What's brown and black and looks good on a lawyer? A. A doberman. Q. Why are lawyers buried 12 feet underground? A. Deep down their good. Q. What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? A. One's a slimy scum-sucking scavenger, the other is just a fish. Q. Why are lawyers great in bed? A. They get so much practice screwing people. Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo? A. The lawyer charges more. Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met. "You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness. God decided to take the devil to court and settle their differences once and for all. When Satan heard this, he laughed and said, "And where do you think you're going to find a lawyer?" An anxious woman goes to her doctor. "Doctor," she asks nervously, "can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?" "Certainly," replies the doctor, "Where do you think lawyers come from?" At a convention of biological scientists one researcher remarks to another, "Did you know that in our lab we have switched from mice to lawyers for our experiments?" "Really?" the other replied, "Why did you switch?" "Well, for three reasons. First we found that lawyers are far more plentiful, second, the lab assistants don't get so attached to them, and thirdly there are some things even a rat won't do. Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course, the other three are not real. When a lawyer tells his clients he has a sliding fee schedule what he means is that after he bills you it's financially hard to get back on your feet. It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets. A man walked into a bar with his alligator and asked the bartender, "Do you serve lawyers here?" "Sure do," replied the bartender. "Good," said the man. "Give me a beer, and I'll have a lawyer for my 'gator."

Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers? He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.

"What possible reason can you have for acquitting this defendant?" the judge shouted at the jury. "Insanity, Your Honour," replied the foreman. "All TWELVE of you?" bellowed the judge.

What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? Gucci sweats and Reeboks. And where was the location of the accident? Approximately milepost 498. And where is milepost 498? Probably between milepost 498 and 500. Did you blow your horn or anything? After the accident? Before the accident. Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it. Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing? Yes. Did the defendant say anything when she got out of the car? Yes, sir. What did she say? What disco am I at?

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck. The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" "I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line." "Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

Lawyer: "Judge, I wish to appeal my client's case on the basis of newly discovered evidence." Judge: "And what is the nature of the new evidence?" Lawyer: "Judge, I discovered that my client still has $500 left."

Bob and Joe, a couple of personal injury lawyers, were discussing conditions in the legal profession. "How's business?" asked Bob. "Absolutely rotten!" responded Joe. "How have you been doing?" "Even worse," Bob replied. "I just chased an ambulance twelve miles and found a LAWYER inside it."

Post Hurricane Katrina, New Orleans residents are challenged often with the task of tracing home titles back potentially hundreds of years. With a community rich with history stretching back over two centuries, houses have been passed along through generations of family, often making it quite difficult to establish ownership. Here's a great letter an attorney wrote to the Federal Housing Administration (FHA) on behalf of a client that was absolutely priceless! A New Orleans lawyer sought an FHA loan for a client. He was told the loan would be granted, if he could prove satisfactory title to a parcel of property being offered as collateral. The title to the property dated back to 1803, which took the lawyer three months to track down. After sending the information to the FHA, he received the following reply: (Actual letter): "Upon review of your letter adjoining your client's loan application, we note that the request is supported by an Abstract of Title. While we compliment the able manner in which you have prepared and presented the application, we must point out that you have only cleared title to the proposed collateral property back to 1803. Before final approval can be accorded, it will be necessary to clear the title back to its origin." Annoyed, the lawyer responded as follows (actual letter): "Your letter regarding title in Case No.189156 has been received. I note that you wish to have title extended further than the 194 years covered by the present application. I was unaware that any educated person in this country, particularly those working in the property area, would not know that Louisiana was purchased by the U.S. from France in 1803, the year of origin identified in our application. For the edification (enlightening) of uninformed FHA bureaucrats, the title to the land prior to U.S. ownership was obtained from France, which had acquired it by Right of Conquest from Spain. The land came into the possession of Spain by Right of Discovery made in the year 1492 by a sea captain named Christopher Columbus, who had been granted the privilege of seeking a new route to India by the Spanish monarch, Isabella. The good queen, Isabella, being a pious woman and almost as careful about titles as the FHA, took the precaution of securing the blessing of the Pope before she sold her jewels to finance Columbus' expedition. Now, the Pope, as I'm sure you may know, is the emissary of Jesus Christ, the Son of God, and God, it is commonly accepted, created this world. Therefore, I believe it is safe to presume that God also made that part of the world called Louisiana. God, therefore, would be the owner of origin and His origins date back to before the beginning of time, the world as we know it, AND the FHA. I hope you find God's original claim to be satisfactory. Now, may we have our damn loan?" The loan was approved.