Maurice has a business appointment, and he arrives a little early. The receptionist points to a comfortable easy chair and asks him to be seated for a while. Maurice settles down, picks up a glossy magazine opens it, and tries to read. However, he finds that he cannot concentrate because he is distracted due to a rumpus coming from behind one of the doors leading off the reception area. Maurice goes over to the receptionist and asks, "What's going on in there?" She replies, "It's a partners' meeting." "But why are they shouting at each other?" Maurice asks. "It's a battle of wits," she replies. Maurice asks: "Who is in there?" and she answers, "Horowits, Lebowits, Rabbinowits and Abramowits."

A young husband with an inferiority complex insisted he was just a little pebble on the beach. The marriage counselor told him, "If you wish to save your marriage, you'd better be a little boulder."

Some common phrases that bees should know: Are you are hipbee? How comb? Hive already finished.

Q. Have you heard about the new 'Mint flavored birth control pill for women that they take immediately before sex? A. They're called Predicaments

Pirate Blackbeard's ship license had expired so he went into the shipping license office and got a new one, but on the new one he needed an updated photo of himself. So, Pirate Blackbeard went into the photographer's room and asked to have his photo taken. The photographer obliged and said, "Ok, please pose front on" and took a photo. He need to take another photo so he asked Blackbeard to "Please Poseidon!"

The FBI and the DEA are joining efforts and will be assigning some of their agents to a quasi-FBI/DEA enforcement team specifically targeting the illegal allergy pills sales that occur on the black market. The agents will be called "Pseudo Feds."

The movie producer was planning his next blockbuster - an action docudrama about famous composers. So he set up a meeting with Jean-Claude Van Damme, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger and offered them the chance to select which famous musicians they'd portray. "Chopin has always been my favorite," said Van Damme. "That's the part for me." "I've always admired Mozart," Stallone said. "I'd love to play him." The producer turned to Schwarzenegger. "And you, Arnold? Who do you want to be?" There was a long silence, then he replied, "I'll be Bach."

If Bob the Butcher is 5'11'' what does he weigh? -Meat

Here are some books that should never be written: Workaholism, by Anita Dayoff Never Say Goodbye, by C.U. Latta Crowd Control, by General Panic Amazing Facts, by G. Willikers The Last Supper, by M.T. Potts Fast Food, by Eaton Run The Bee Hive, by I. Ben Stung Turn Off The Light, by Les Watts Cattle Ranching, by Brandon D. Bull Bullfighting Mistakes, by Gordon Bluddy

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven's Ninth. In the piece, there's a long passage of about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one. After slamming several beers in quick succession (as bass violinists are prone to do), one of them looked at his watch. "Hey! We need to get back!" "No need to panic," said a fellow bassist. "I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor's score together with string. "It'll take him a few minutes to get it untangled." A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion. "Well, of course," said her companion. "Don't you see? "It's the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded."