Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other? A: I have a lot of problems.

A sailor trying to sneak back to his ship about 3 o'clock in the morning was spotted by a chief petty officer who ordered him to explain his tardiness. The lame explanation didn't work. "Take this broom and sweep every link on this anchor chain by morning or it's the brig for you," the chief said. The sailor began to sweep, but a tern landed on the broom handle and he couldn't continue. He yelled at the bird, but it didn't budge. He finally plucked it off the broom and gave it a toss. But the bird came right back and again landed on the handle. Over and over, the same routine was repeated. A toss, one sweep, and the bird was back. When morning came, the chief also was back. "What have you been doing all night? This chain is no cleaner than when you started!" "Honest, chief," said the sailor, "I tossed a tern all night and couldn't sweep a link."

What do you call a Spanish man with a rubber toe? Answer: Roberto.

What did the tie say to the hat? You go on a head, I'll just hang around.

In "The Greatest Story Ever Told", John Wayne played a centurion at the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. One of his lines was, "Truly he is the Son of God!" The director felt John W. wasn't putting enough into it, and asked him to deliver the line again, but with a little more emphasis - "to put some awe into it". "OK," says John, "Awww - truly he is the Son of God!"

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).

Do bakers with a sense of humor bake wry bread?

What did the bald man say when he was given a comb for his birthday? "Oh, thank you! I'll never part with it!"

Wear tank tops and support your right to bare arms.

One day two robins walked along the road, planning their day. Robin #1:Oh my god, we totally have to get some bronzing oil! Robin #2:Duh, I mean if are going to spend the whole day at the beach we totally have to! That day while the robins were tanning on the beach a big bad fox came along. He took one look at them and said: Fox:Mmmm, I love Baskin' Robins!