Two eggs sitting on a kitchen table, when one sees a whisk. He says to his friend, "Ooh, what's that?" The friend replies, "Beats me!"

- A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking. - Dijon vu - the same mustard as before. - Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death. - A hangover is the wrath of grapes. - Sea captains don't like crew cuts. - Does the name Pavlov ring a bell? - Reading while sunbathing makes you well-red. - When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I. - A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired. - What's the definition of a will? (Come on, It's a dead giveaway!) - A backward poet writes inverse. - In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes. - A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion. - Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft, and I'll show you a flat minor. - When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds. - The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered. - A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart. - You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. - Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under. - He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key. - Every calendar's days are numbered. - A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine. - A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat. - He had a photographic memory that was never developed. - A plateau is a high form of flattery. - The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. - Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall. - Those who jump off a Paris bridge are in Seine. - When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. - Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis. - Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses. - Acupuncture is a jab well done. - Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat. - The poor guy fell into a glass grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

When you're swimming in the creek, and an eel bites your cheek, that's a moray!

What do you get if you cross a rhino and and elephant? Elepf-ino (pronounced "Hell if I know")

Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other, "You were always so organized in school. Did you manage to live a well planned life?" "Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor; my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker." Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?" "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

What do you call a black priest? Holy Shit

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. "How was he killed?" asked one detective. "With a golf gun." answered the other detective. "A golf gun?! What is a golf gun?" asked the first detective. "I don't know, but it sure made a hole in Juan!"

If I were to be pun-ish-ed For every little pun I shed I'd hide me to a punny shed And there I'd hang my punnish head.

Q: What did the little chick say when his mom laid an orange? A: Look at the orange-mama-lade!

Sign outside a watch-maker's shop; Watch batteries fitted.