One day a man walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Do you have any corn?" and the bartender says, "No, we only sell beer." The next day the man walks into the bar again and asks for corn but this time the bartender says, "Hey, you are the guy that asked for corn yesterday? If you ask for corn one more time i will nail you to the wall!" The next day the man goes into the bar again and asks, "Do you have any nails?" and the bartender says, "No," so the man says, "Do you have any corn?"

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet. Fault: Mouth not open when drinking or glass being applied to wrong part of face. Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect. Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; Beer unusually pale and clear. Fault: Glass is empty. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Feet cold and wet. Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle. Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling. Symptom: Feet warm and wet. Fault: Loss of self-control. Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training. Symptom: Bar blurred. Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass. Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint. Symptom: Bar swaying. Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress. Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket. Symptom: Bar moving. Fault: You are being carried out. Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked. Symptom: The opposite wall is covered with ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it. Fault: You have fallen over backwards. Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar. Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends. Fault: You have fallen over forwards. Solution: Same as for falling over backwards. Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling. Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter. Solution: Check your watch to see if it is opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in. Symptom: Everything has gone dim. Fault: The pub is closing. Solution: PANIC !!!!!

A fellow decides to take off early from work and go drinking. He stays until the bar closes at 2 a.m., at which time he is extremely drunk. When he enters his house, he doesn't want to wake anyone, so he takes off his shoes and starts tiptoeing up the stairs. Halfway up the stairs, he falls over backwards and lands flat on his rear end. That wouldn't be so bad, except that he has a couple of empty bottles in his back pockets, and they broke so the broken glass carved up his buttocks terribly. He is so drunk that he doesn't know he is hurt. A few minutes later, as he is undressing, he notices blood, so he checks himself in the mirror, and sure enough, his behind is cut up something terrible. He repairs the damage as best he can under the circumstances and goes to bed. The next morning, his head is hurting, and his rear is hurting, and he is hunkering under the covers trying to concoct some good story, when his wife comes into the bedroom. "Well, you really tied one on last night," she says. "Where'd you go?" "I worked late," he says, "and I stopped off for a couple of beers." "A couple of beers? That's a laugh," she replies. "You got plastered last night. Where the heck did you go?" "What makes you so sure I got drunk last night, anyway?" "Well," she replies, "my first big clue was when I got up this morning and found a bunch of Band-Aids stuck to the mirror."

A drunk man stumbles into the bar to the only other customer and asks if the man would buy him a drink. The second man says yes. They have a drink, and the first man decides to fill the quiet gap. He asks, "So where you from?" The second man replies, "Ireland." The first man says, "WOW! Me too. Let's drink to Ireland." They drink and the second man says, "So what part of Ireland ya from?" The first man says, "Dublin. So...what school did you go to?" The second man says, "St. Sebastians. Graduated in 1969." The first man astonished says, "ME TOO! Damn, what a coincidence." Just then a regular comes in the bar and asks the bartender what's going on. The bartender replies, "Nothin' much. The O'Malley twins are drunk again."

A woman goes to a new bar at the top of a skyscraper and over by the counter she sees an attractive man. She keeps her eye on him as she orders a drink, and she sees the man take a shot and jump out the window. She's so shocked she can't speak, but moments later he walks back into the bar. He goes back to the counter, orders another shot, takes it and jumps out the window. Sure enough moments later he walks back into the bar again, completely unharmed. She walks over to him and says, "I've been watching you, and I've got to ask what is going on. We're thirty stories up!" He leans over and passes her a shot, "If you take a shot of this, you can fly." So she takes the shot, jumps out the window, and plummets to her death. The bartender looks over and says "Superman, you're a real asshole when you drink."

Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks. "I've some thin' to tell ya." "Of course you can come in. You're always welcome, Tim. But where's me husband?" "That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident at the Guinness brewery." " Oh, God, no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me." "I must, Brenda. Your husband Seamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry." Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?" "It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned." "Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?" "Well, Brenda, no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."

A bear goes into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender replies, "Sorry we dont serve bears here." The bear, upset, says angrily, "Gimme a beer or I'll eat that lady over there!" The bartender says, "Go ahead, I don't care." The bear goes and savagely mauls the woman then eats her in front of the bartender. The bear goes and says, "Now give me a beer or I'll eat someone else." The bartender says, "I'm sorry we don't serve bears on drugs in here." The bear goes, "What? I'm not on drugs!" The bartender says, "What about the barbituate?"

What's the difference between a "fox" and a "dog?" About 6 drinks.

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."

2 cops are sitting in their car outside of a local bar. They were waiting to see if anyone would drive home drunk. A guy stumbles out, obviously drunk out of his mind. He falls down flat on his face. 5 bar patrons leave the bar. The cops don't care about the other patrons, they are just waiting for him to start up his car. He falls again on his face. 5 more patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk stumbles to his car door and opens it up and sits inside. 6 patrons leave the bar. Finally the drunk starts up his car but before he could move the cops are on him sticking a breathalyzer in his face. He takes the test and passes with blood alcohol level of 0.00. The cops are pissed and asked him what the hell he was doing. The drunk replies, "I'm the designated decoy."