Well, a Scotsman clad in kilt left the bar one evening fair And one could tell by how he walked that he'd drunk more than his share He fumbled 'round until he could no longer keep his feet And he stumbled off into the grass to sleep beside the street. About that time two young and lovely girls just happened by One says to the other with a twinkle in her eye See yon sleeping Scotsman so strong and handsome built I wonder if it's true what they don't wear beneath the kilt? They crept up on that sleeping Scotsman quiet as could be Lifted up his kilt about an inch so they could see And there behold for them to view beneath his Scottish skirt Was nothing more than God had graced him with upon his birth! They marveled for a moment then one said we must be gone Let's leave a present for our friend before we move along As a gift they left a blue silk ribbon tied into a bow Around the bonnie star the Scots kilt did lift and show. Now the Scotsman woke to nature's call and stumbled towards the trees Behind the bush he lifts his kilt and gawks at what he sees And in a startled voice he says to what's before his eyes Oh, lad I don't know where you've been but I see you won first prize!

There's a man sitting at a bar just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half an hour. Then, a big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand seeing a man crying." "No, it's not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I'm late to my office. My boss, in an outrage, fires me. When I leave the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away. I go home and when I get there, I find my wife sleeping with the gardener. I leave home and come to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison."

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, give me a triple shot of Jack!". The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar, and says, "Another". The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says, "Another". As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?" The man says, "Ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, MY BEST FRIEND, in bed having sex with her." The bartender says "Geez, what did you say?." The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

A white man, a Cuban, and a Mexican, are all sitting at a bar when the Mexican throws a taco out the window. The white man asks, "Why'd you throw that taco out?" The Mexican replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of those." Next the Cuban throws some weed out the window. The Mexican asks, "Why'd you throw that weed out?" The Cuban replies, "Where I come from we have a lot of that..." Suddenly the white man throws the Mexican out the window. The Cuban, shocked, asks, "Why'd you throw him out the window?!" The white man answers, "Well..where I come from we have A LOT of those."

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, "Geez, I'd really like to dance with that girl." The other man replies, "Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken s***." So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, "Excuse me, would you be so kind as to dance with me?" Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, "I'm sorry, right now I'm contemplating on matrimony, and I'd rather sit than dance." So the man humbly returns to his friend. "So what did she say?" asks the friend. The drunk responded, "She said she's constipated on macaroni, and would rather s*** in her pants."

A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?" The man thinks about the question for a bit and asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?" "No", says the bum. The man then asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar are you going to use it to gamble?" "No", says the bum. So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"

A guy walks into a bar right at the top of the Grand Canyon. Another patron comes up to him and says "did you know the air currents in the canyon are so strong you can jump off and they pull you right back up?" "What?!" the man said "you must be drunk." "No really, watch this!" and he jumps into the Grand Canyon, and WHOOSH! flies back up. "That was amazing!" the second man said so the first guy does it again. Finally the second guy decides it really does work and goes for it. He jumps off and splatters on the ground. The first guy returns to the bar and the bartender says "Damn, Superman, you sure are a jerk when you're drunk."

Shakespeare walks into a bar and the bartender shouts at him, "You can't come in here, you're Bard!"

A lawyer, a carpenter and an astronaut were having drinks in a bar when suddenly one gets up and hits the other. "who hit me?" "It wasn't me." "I didn't see too much either." "It must have been the dog" "What dog?" "I'm blind so I couldn't see a dog." "Doh, that means I hit myself." "hahahahaha how strange I thought you guys had hit me. Sorry about that."

Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, I will be drunk, At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillages, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, But deliver us from hangovers. For thine is the beer, The bitter, The lager.