A middle-aged couple, with two beautiful daughters, decided to try one last time for the son they always wanted.Soon, the wife became pregnant, and, nine months later, delivered a baby boy.The joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son, but was horrified to find an incredibly-ugly baby.He went to his wife and said, "I cannot possibly be the father of that hideous child. Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."When his wife blushed, he became suspicious, and demanded, "Have you been fooling around on me?"His wife confessed, "Not this time."

A middle aged woman has a heart attack. While on the operating table she has a near death experience. She sees God, and asks if this is it. God says no, that she has another 30-40 years to live. She recovers, and decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, tummy tuck, hair dyed, etc. She figures since she's got another 30 or 40 years she might as well make the most of it. She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and immediately gets hit by an ambulance. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30 or 40 years?" To which God replies, "To tell you the truth, I didn't recognize you."

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined the body of Bernie Schwartz, who was about to be cremated, he made an amazing discovery: Bernie Schwartz had the longest member he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off to be cremated with a tremendously huge thing like this. It has to be saved for posterity." And with that the coroner used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong. The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe," he said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh my god!" she screamed, "Bernie Schwartz is dead!"

A mother had 3 virgin daughters. They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt. The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Maxwell House". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Maxwell House jar. It said, "good, till the last drop". Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter. The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mon now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, she read from the B & H pack: "Extra Long. King Size". She was again slightly embarrassed, but still happy for her daughter. The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then, after a whole month, a card finally arrived. Written on it shaky words: "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages, fearing the worst and finally and finally found the ad for the airline. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways". Mom fainted.

An elderly man lay dying in his bed. In death's agony, hesuddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookieswafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, andlifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowlymade his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effortforced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with bothhands. With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame,gazing into the kitchen.Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himselfalready in heaven: there, spread out upon newspapers on thekitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolatechip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroiclove from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this worlda happy man?Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward thetable, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parchedlips parted; the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in hismouth; seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged andwithered hand, shockingly made its way to a cookie at the edge ofthe table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by hiswife."Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

A newlywed couple just moved into their new house. One day the husband comes home from work and his wife says, "Honey, you know, in the upstairs bathroom one of the pipes is leaking, could you fix it?" The husband just looked at his wife and said, "What do I look like, Mr.Plumber?  A few days went by, and he comes home from work and again his wife asks for a favor, "Honey, the car won't start, I think that it needs a new battery. Could you change it for me?" "What do I look like, Mr.Goodwrench?" was his response. Another couple of weeks go by, and it's raining pretty hard. His wife then finds a leak in the roof. She pleads with him as he's walking through the door. "Honey, there's a leak on the roof! Can you please fix it?" He just looked at her and said "What do I look like, Bob Vila?" and sat down with a beer and watched a game on TV. One weekend the husband woke up and it was pouring pretty hard, but the leak on the roof was gone! Speaking of leaks, he also went to take a shower, and he found that the one pipe behind the sink wasn't leaking anymore either. His wife was coming home just then, and as she walked through the door, the husband asked, "Honey, how come there aren't any more leaks, and the car's running?" She replied nonchalantly, "Oh, the other day I was picking up the mail, and I ran into one of our new neighbors, Jon. What a nice man. He came over and fixed everything." "Wow, did he charge us anything?" asked the husband. "No, he just said that he'd do it for free if I either baked him a cake or had sex with him" she said. "Cool. What kind of cake did you make?" asked the husband. "Cake? What the hell do you think I look like, Betty Crocker?

An old woman is going up in a lift in a very Iavish department store when a young, beautiful woman gets in, smelling of expensive scent. She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly: 'Romance by Ralph Lauren, £100 a bottle.' Then another young woman gets in the lift, She also turns to the old woman and sayssnootily: chanel No 5, £150 a bottle.' A few floors later, the old woman has reached her destination. As she gets out, she looks both woman in the eye, then turns round, bends over and farts, saying: 'broccoli, 25p a pound.'

A policeman sent his wife and child to a sea resort for a vacation. After a week he joins them in the hotel. Since he's been away from his wife for a week, he wants to make love with her. "No darling, we can't do it here" she says, "our kid is watching us." "You're right" he says, "let's go to the beach." After a while, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman appears. "Put your clothes on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!" "You're right", said the husband, "but it was a moment of weakness. We didn't see each other for a week. By the way, I'm a policeman too and it would be very embarrassing if you were to fine me." "Don't worry, you're a colleague and it's your first time. But this is the third time I caught her making love on this beach in the last week and she'll have to pay for it!"

A police officer was making his daily round. Suddenly, a red corvet passed by him at a 100 m/h. He went after the car and stoped it. As he walked towards the car's window, he noticed that the driver was a gorgeous blond. He went to her and asked for her driver's licence and registration papers. The women kinda looked confused, but after emptying her bag, she handed the papers to the officer. He walked backed to his car and checked with another officer about the car's license plate. The other man asked him if the driver was a gorgeous blond. The first officer said yes. The second one then told him to go back to the corvet and pull down his pants. Without arguing, he went back to the girl and pulled down his pants. The girl than replied: "Ah! Not another breathalyzer test!"

A rather attractive woman goes up to the register in an upscale hamburger establishment. She gestures alluringly to a large man who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his cheek, which is slowly turning a crimson red. "Are you the owner?" she asks, now softly stroking his face with both hands."No" he replies, "I''m just the manager." "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him." She asks, running her hands up beyond his ears andinto his hair. "I''m afraid I can''t," breathes the manager clearly aroused," he''s in the back doing taxes right now. Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message." She continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "Tell him" she says "that there is no toilet paper or hand soap in the ladies room."