A doctor and his wife were having a big argument at breakfast."You aren't so good in bed either!" he shouted and stormed off to work.By midmorning, he decided he'd better make amends and phoned home. After many rings, his wife picked up the phone."What took you so long to answer?""I was in bed.""What were you doing in bed this late?""Getting a second opinion."

After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were three finalists: two men and a woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. "Kill her!!!". The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home." The second man was given the e same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife." The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home." Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair." Moral: Women are evil. Don't mess with them.

A girl walked up to the information desk in her local hospital and said, "I need to see the upturn, please." "I think, you mean the 'intern,' don't you?" asked the nurse on duty. "Yes," said the girl. "I want to have a 'contamination.'" "Don't you mean 'examination,'" the nurse questioned her again. "Well I want to go to the 'fraternity ward,' anyway." "I'm sure you mean the maternity ward." To which the girl replied: "Upturn, intern; contamination, examination; fraternity, maternity.... What's the difference? All I know is I haven't demonstrated in two months, and I think I'm stagnant."

A guy went on a date with a girl and it went so well that they ended up back at HER place.They went up stairs and they started having sex,after giving it to her 5 times the guy's bellend was red raw so when she was sleeping he went downstairs to find some vaseline but couldn't find any.Then he saw a glass of milk sitting on the table so he dunked his bellend and the rest of his bollocks in the glass,the girl came downstairs behind him, saw him dunk his balls in the milk and said " oh, so that's how you refill it "

A husband and wife went to dinner and celebrated their fiftieth wedding anniversary. Afterwards they returned home and went to their patio to relax with a glass of wine and to reflect on their fifty years together.After a while the husband said to his wife: Honey in all the years together, was there ever a time when you were unfaithful to me?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one time early in our marriage. Remember when you had lost your job and the bank was going to foreclose on the house. I made a trip to town, saw the banker and we got the loan extended until you returned to work. The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved our home; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that one time. Was there ever another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Oh yes there was one other time. Remember when you had gotten sick and needed an operation or you would die, but we didn 't have any insurance. I made a trip to town, saw the doctor and you got the operation..The husband thinks for a bit and says: Wow honey, you saved my life; I guess I can 't really hold it against you for being unfaithful that time either. Was there another time?The wife thinks for a bit and then says: Well there was just one other time. Remember when you were running for club president and you only needed 58 more votes ..

A husband and wife were having an argument. Suddenly the husband picked up a bottle lying near him and threw it at his wife. The bottle missed the wife and got into the neighbours' house breaking the window glass. Now both the husband and wife got embarassed and went to apologise to the neighbour. Upon reaching the house, they found out a young man sitting on a couch with a smile on his face. Before the couple could say anything, the man said, "I am a genie. I was enclosed in that bottle for many years, but you two have set me free, so ask for any three boons you want to and it shall be fulfilled. But against your three boons you will have to fulfill one wish of mine". The couple were so happy that they didn't think twice and presented their wishes."I want millions of dollars in my account", The husband said. "Done", said the genie."I want diamond jewelleries in all my vaults". "Done", said the genie."I want bunglows all over the world", said the husband."Done", said the geniee.Now it was the time of the genies wish. "So" the genie said, "I have fulfilled all the three wishes you have said, and its time for my wish. I have not slept with a women for long. I wish to have sex with your wife. The couple got worried, but the husband explained that it was only a genie and it didn't matter much to him. Besides the genie has given them a lot of things. So the wife consented. The geniee and the wife had a lovely night together. Finally in the morning the genie said, "it was wonderful but how old is your husband?""Why, he is just thirty five""My god ", said the geniee, "even at thirty five he still believes in geniees".

A husband is driving his car, with his wife sitting next to him. Suddenly, the police siren is heard, and he is requested to stop. The policman comes to him and says: "sir, do you know that you have been speeding for the last 5 minutes?". The husband replies, imploringly: "Oh no, i really didn'y notice, officer. I am so sorry, i promise not to do that again", but then he is interrupted by his wife, who says: "That's not true, he knew he was speeding and had no intention to slow-down". The policman continues: "also, may i ask why you don't have your sit-belt on, sir?". The man replies nerveslly: "You see, i released it when i heard the siren cause i wanted to approach you and.." but again he is interrupted by his wife, who says: "that's rubbish, he wasn't wearing it since we left home". Then, the husband loses it and yells to his wife: "would you shut-up, you stupid cow?!". The policman, shocked, asks: "Mam, are you going to let him speak to you like that?". To that the woman replies: "Oh, don't wory officer. He is always like that when he's drunk"...

A Lady walks into a Mercedes dealership. She browses around, then spots the perfect car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the fine leather upholstery, a loud fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is Andre a salesman. "Good day, Madame. How may we help you today?" Very uncomfortably she asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?" He answers, "Madame, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you are going to wet yourself when you hear the price."

A little old lady told a friend of mine the other day when they were standing in line together that all she had ever wanted to have in life was four animals.My friend who has a large dog and a big heart for strays said, "oh really, what kind of animals did you want?' The little old lady said "A mink on my back, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in my bed, and a jackass to pay for all of it

A local bank is very pleased to announce that they are installingnew Drive-thru ATMs where their customers will be able withdraw cash withoutleaving their vehicle. Male and Female procedures have beentailored to best reflect the behaviours of those particular groupings.PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Open the car window3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt6. Close window7. Drive awayPROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:1. Drive up to the ATM2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM3. Re-start stalled engine4. Open the car window5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card6. Turn radio down & end call on cell phone7. Attempt to insert card into ATM8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance from car to ATM9. Insert card10. Re-insert card the right way up11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"13. Enter PIN14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rear view mirror16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel, look at ATM for one minute andthen press "enter"17. Retrieve cash and receipt18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside19. Place receipt in back of cheque book20. Re-check make-up21. Drive forward two metres22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind23. Retrieve card24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holderand place card in an empty slot25. Drive two or three kilometres Release hand brake