Three young women in there thirties are on a road trip and are tearing down the freeway. unfortunatley, they lose control, the car flips over the guard rail on to the opposite lanes and gets smashed by an eighteen wheeler. Up at the pearly gates, all three of them are greeted by St. Peter. He tells them. "All of you led very good lives down on earth, so all of you will be asmitted into paradise. The only rule: DON"T STEP ON THE DUCKS."confused, they all ask "um...what?"St. Peter says "if you step on one duck, it quacks. if a duck quacks, other ducks will start quacking, and...well...you'll see."With that, the gates opened and the three waltzed inside. And, sure enough, All of heaven is covered with ducks. there is almost no room to walk with the millions of ducks.a day of careful stepping later, the first woman steps on a duck. seconds later, every single duck in heaven is quacking. it's so loud the women aren't suprised if earth could hear it. hours later, when the quacking ceased, an angel appears with a ver ugly man and chains him to the lady and tells her this is her eternal punishment for the duck-stepping. Not wanting the same fate, the other two women become very cautious for the next week, but sure enough, the second lady steps on a duck.she gets the same punishment as the first lady.The third lady becomes so careful that, a year-and-a-half later, she is still duck-free. then, an angel appears next to her with a very handsome man and chains him to her. Thinking that this must be a reward for her good-doing she asks the man gleefully "What did I do to deserve this?"And the man replies with a grimace, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck."

Top Ten Things Not To Say To A Pregnant Wife:17. "I finished the Oreo's." 16. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs forty pounds." 15. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby." 14. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever." 13. "Well, couldn't they induce labor? The 25th is the SuperBowl." 12. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella." 11. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt." 10. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!" 9. "I'm jealous. Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?" 8. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?" 7. "Get your *own* ice cream." 6. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today." 5. "Got milk?" 4. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney." 3. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!" 2. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water." And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant... 1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger."

Two old ladies were sitting on rocking chairs in their retirement home. One asked, "Do you still ever get horny?" "Oh, yes!" was the reply. "What do you do about it?" asked the first. "I suck on a lifesaver." was the reply. The first lady sat there for a long while pondering the answer. Finally she couldn't stand it any longer, and asked, "Who drives you to the beach?"

Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a young man in a three-piece suit. "This young lawyer agreed to marry my daughter," said the first one."No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.And so they haggled before the King until he called for silence."Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, "and I shall hew the young attorney in half. Each of you shall receive a half.""Sounds good to me," said the first woman.But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let the other woman's daughter marry him."The wise King did not hesitate a moment. "The attorney must marry the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed."But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the King's court."Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."

Two women friends had gone for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves and proceeded to wipe herself with that. After finishing, they then made off for home. The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "These girls night out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing, said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, "From All of Us At the Fire Station, We'll Never Forget You."

what did the 1 tampon say to the next tampon?? see you next peirod

What do you call a lesbian asian? minjeeta

Whats the difference between a womans paycheck and her periods?Well...:They come once a month,They get her stressed,And if one don't come...SHES IN TROUBLE.

What's the difference between female at the ages of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58? 08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story. 18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed. 28 - You don't need to tell her any story and take her to bed. 38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed. 48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed. 58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid her story.

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, "I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee." I said, "Well, then why are you crying?" She said, "He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon". I said, "Well, why are you crying?" She said, "For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. I said, "Well, why in the world would you be crying?" She said, "I can't remember where I live!".