1 C A and 4 H A in a M M 1 carbon atom and 4 hydrogen atoms in a methane molecule!

Two guys decided to go buy two pigs. So after they bought them they wanted to know which one was who's. So they went to the barn but when they got there the two pigs were fighting. After they broke them up one pig was missing a ear. So one guy said, "What are we going to do now?" So after they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. When they got there the pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a tail. So the guy said, ''What now?'' After they thought about it for a while they went back to the barn. The pigs were fighting again. After they broke them up one pig was missing a leg. So the guy said, ''What now?'' The other guy said, "FUCK IT! I get the white one and you get the black one."

A man drives to a gas station and has his tank filled up. The gas-pumper spots two penguins sitting in the back seat of the car. He asks the driver, "What's up with the penguins in the back seat?" The man in the car says "I found them. I asked myself what to do with them but, I haven't had a clue." The clerk ponders a bit then says, "You should take them to the zoo." "Hey, that's a good idea," says the man in the car and drives away. The next day the man with the car is back at the same gas station. The clerk sees the penguins are still in the back seat of the car. "Hey, they're still here! I thought you were going to take them to the zoo." "Oh, I did," says the driver, "And we had a swell time. Today I am taking them to the beach."

Three ants went to the beach to swim. Two jumped directly in the water. The other went back home and after an hour returned. Why? She forgot her swimming suit!!

Three mice were sitting in a bar talking about how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says, "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it twenty or thirty times." And with that he slams another shot. The second mouse slams a shot and says, "That's nothing. I take those Decon tablets, cut them up and snort them just for the fun of it." And with that he slams another shot. The third mouse slams a shot, gets up and walks away. The first two mice look at each other, and then turn to the third mouse and ask, "Where the hell are you going?" The third mouse stops and replies, "I'm going home to fuck the cat!"

Here are some excuses... 1. My kids are locked outside. 2. My kids are locked inside. 3. My kids are stuck in the door. 4. I have to help my grandmother bake cookies. 5. I have to help my Aunt Flo in Omaha bake cookies - she's much better. Now and she wants to send thank-you cookies to everyone who came to see her when she thought she was dying. 6. The Water Department has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 7. The gas company has to read my meter once a year and this was the only time they would come. 8. The water meter guy and the gas meter guy were both leaving cards on my door about me not being home, and they got into a fight about whose meter was better, and I have to go home and clean up. 9. My daughter is graduating from high school and I'd like to go to the ceremony. 10. My daughter is receiving a Nobel Prize and I'd like to go to the ceremony. (Do not use within one month of #9). 11. I have to pick up my car at the shop; if I don't get there in half an hour it'll be locked up all weekend. 12. I have to get my car to the shop; if I don't get it there in half an hour it'll be locked out all weekend. (Don't use if boss seems wide awake). 13. My dog has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 14. My cat has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 15. My kid has a rash all over, and the vet closes early today. 16. My truss snapped. 17. My support hose popped. 18. I got my fingers stuck together with Krazy Glue. 19. I'm arranging financing for a house. 20. I'm arranging financing for a car. 21. I'm arranging financing for a beef roast. 22. The couch I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 23. The refrigerator I ordered umpteen weeks ago has arrived and this was the only time they could deliver it. 24. The baby we arranged for nine months ago is arriving, and I think this is the time it's being delivered. (Note: This is an excuse that can't be used by just anybody, but if it's close to accurate, it's extremely effective. 25. I have been asked to serve on a presidential advisory panel. 26. I'm being sent to the moon by NASA. 27. It's Dayton's Warehouse Sale. 28. My back aches. 29. My stomach aches. 30. My hair aches. (This is more acceptable than "I have a hangover," especially if offered in the early afternoon.) 31. My biological clock is ticking. 32. I have to take my biological clock in for service. 33. My furnace won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting poached. 34. My central air conditioning won't stop running, and the goldfish are getting freezer burn. 35. Both my furnace and my central air conditioning won't stop running. The goldfish are fine but my basement is about to explode. 36. I have to go to the airport to pick up my mother. 37. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister. 38. I have to go to the airport to pick up my minister's mother. 39. I have to take my mother to the doctor. 40. I have to take my minister to the doctor. 41. I have to take my doctor to my minister. 42. I think I left the iron on. 43. I think I left the water on. 44. I think I left the refrigerator on. 45. I'm getting married, and I have to go pick out rings. 46. I'm getting married, and I have to take a blood test. 47. I'm getting married, and I have to figure out to whom. 48. I have to have my waistband let out. 49. I have to have my watchband let out. 50. I have to have my son's rock band let out.

Why is it dangerous to go in the jungle after 5 p.m? Because elephants jump out of trees after 5 p.m. Why do beavers have flat tails? Because they go in the jungle after 5 p.m!

A teacher asked his student: Give me an example of 6 animals. The student: 3 Lions, 2 Tigers , and 1 Cheetah !

9 = tails of a fox.

A bear and a rabbit are walking together and they find a magic lamp. They decide to rub it and a genie comes out. The genie says, "Thank you for releasing me I will give you both 3 wishes." The bear thinks and says, "I wish all the other bears in this forest were lady bears." Then the rabbit says, "I wish for a little motorcycle that is perfect for me." The genie grants both wishes. Then the bear decides his second will be for all the bears in the country besides him to be female The rabbit wishes for a little helmet that fits his head and has holes for his ears. Then the bear says, "Why not have all the bears in the world be girls." Then the rabbit, thinking quickly, says, "I wish the bear was gay," and speeds off on his motorbike.