A woman goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obituary editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word. She pauses, reflects and then says, "Well then, let it read: 'Fred Brown died.'" Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a 7 word minimum for all obituaries. Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read: 'Fred Brown died: 1983 Pick-up for sale.'"

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch."I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said."What's your secret for a long happy life?""I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and neverexercise.""That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?""Twenty-six," he said.

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to recount the most frightening experience he had ever had. "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India," the old explorer said. "I was pushing through the brush on a narrow trail. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the path in front of me! I grabbed my rifle and fired instantly, only to find that it had jammed! The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRR! I soiled myself." The reporter felt somewhat embarassed for the old man. "Under those circumstances," he said, "I think anyone would have done the same." "No, no," the old explorer said. "Not then - just now when I went ROARRR!"

For the first time in many years, an old man traveled from his rural town to the city to attend a movie. After buying his ticket, he stopped at the concession stand to purchase some popcorn. Handing the attendant $1.50, he couldn't help but comment, "The last time I came to the movies, popcorn was only 15 cents.""Well, sir," the attendant replied with a grin, "You're really going to enjoy yourself. We have sound now."

How To Tell When You're Really Old: You find yourself listening to talk radio. You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears. The pattern on your shorts and couch match. You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit. You think Tragically Hip is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend. You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music, forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath. You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining it. You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day. When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate. When jogging is something you do to your memory. Getting a little action means your prune juice is working. All the cars behind you flash their headlights. You remember the "Rolling Stones" as a rock group not a corporation. You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes. You actually ASK for your father's advice. You don't know how to operate a fax machine. When someone mentions SURFING you picture waves and a surf board.

In an effort to get away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spent relaxing weekends camping in their motor home. One day they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers. Talking it over, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy. Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their motor home: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."

The old man was setting on his porch, when a young man walked up with a pad and pencil in his hand. "What are you selling, young man," the elderly gentleman asked. "I'm not selling anything, sir," the young man replied. "I'm a Census Taker." "A what?" the old man asked. "A Census Taker. We are trying to find out how many people are in the country." "Well," the man answered, "you're wasting your time with me... I have no idea!"

Three old ladies are sitting in a diner, chatting about various things. One lady says, "You know, I'm getting really forgetful. This morning, I was standing at the top of the stairs, and I couldn't remember whether I had just come up or was about to go down." The second lady says, "You think that's bad? The other day, I was sitting on the edge of my bed, and I couldn't remember whether I was going to bed or had just woken up!" The third lady smiles smugly. "Well, my memory's just as good as it's always been, knock wood." She raps the table. With a startled look on her face, she asks, "Who's there?"

Three old ladies were discussing the problems of getting older.One said, "Sometimes I catch myself with a jar of mayonniaise in my hand, in front of the refrigerator, and can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."The second lady chimed in "Yes, sometimes I find myself standing on the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."The third responded, "Well, I'm glad I don't have that problem;knock on wood."As she rapped her knuckles on the table...she said, "That must be the door, I'll get it."

Two old guys were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. The first guy said "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older." "What do you mean?" asked the second guy. "Well," replied the first. "I can barely remember the last time I got aroused in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!" "Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered. "Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches." he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."