San Francisco attorney Vince Hallinan was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial in 1986 - it went like thisQ. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene? A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.Q. Officer, who provided this description? A. The officer who responded to the scene.Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so- called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers? A. Yes sir, with my life.Q. With your life? Let me ask you this then officer - do you have a locker room in the police station - a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties? A. Yes sir, we do.Q. And do you have a locker in that room? A. Yes sir, I do.Q. And do you have a lock on your locker? A. Yes sir.Q. Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those same officers? A. You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.With that, the courtroom erupted in laughter, and a prompt recess was called.

The Army Airborne major was used to harassment from Air Force fliers about crazy Army paratroopers jumping out of perfectly good aircraft."Obviously the Air Force knows there's no such thing as a 'perfectly good aircraft,'" the irritated officer finally countered one afternoon, "because they pay you bastards four times as much to stay in one as the Army pays its men to jump.""You've got it all wrong, Major," an Air Force sergeant replied."The Army figures anyone stupid enough to jump out of an airplane voluntarily is gonna be too dumb to complain about the salary."

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the employees home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered on the first ring, "Hello?"Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"."Yes.", whispered the small voice.May I talk with him?", the man asked.To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"."Yes.", came the answer."May I talk with her?".Again the small voice whispered, "No."Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child."Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child."Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"."No, he's busy.", whispered the child."Busy doing what?", asked the boss."Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered answer.Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"."A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice."What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper!"Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss asked, "Why are they there?"Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me!"

The following exchanges are taken from transcripts of 911 calls.

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day. Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold. "No," the inmate said, "just get it over with." "Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!" The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions." The guard nodded and told him to go ahead. The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"

The Mafia was looking for a new man to make weekly collections from all the private businesses that they were 'protecting'.Feeling the heat from the police force, they decided to use a deaf person for this job. If he were to get caught, he wouldn't be able to communicate to the police what he was doing.Well, on his first week, the deaf collector picks up over $50,000. He gets greedy, decides to keep the money and stashes it in a safe place.The Mafia soon realizes that their collection is late, and sends some of their hoods after the deaf collector. The hoods find the deaf collector and ask him where the money is. The deaf collector can't communicate with them, so the Mafia drags the guy to an interpreter. The Mafia hood says to the interpreter, "Ask him where the money is."The interpreter signs, "Where's the money?"The deaf replies, "I don't know what you're talking about." The interpreter tells the hood, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."The hood pulls out a large gun and places it in the ear of the deaf collector. "NOW ask him where the money is."The interpreter signs, "Where is the money?"The deaf man replies, "The $50,000 is in Central Park, hidden in the third tree stump on the left from the West 78th Street gate ."The interpreter says to the hood, "He says he still doesn't know what you're talking about, and doesn't think you have the guts to pull the trigger."

The other day I was on my way home from work when the most remarkable thing happened. Traffic was heavy as usual, and as I sat there at a red light, out of nowhere a bird slammed into my windshield. If that wasn't bad enough, the poor creature got its wing stuck under the windshield wiper. Just then the light turned green and there I was with a bird stuck on my windshield. Without any other apparent options, turning on the windshield wipers seemed the only thing to do. It actually worked. On the upswing, the bird flew off, and here is the crazy thing... it slammed right onto the windshield of the car behind me. No, it didn't get caught under the windshield wipers of that vehicle, but the car behind me was a police car. Of course, knowing my luck, immediately the lights went on and I was forced to pull over. The officer walked up and told me he saw what had happened at the light. Trying to plead my case fell on deaf ears. He simply stated: "I'm going to have to write you up for flipping me the bird."

There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"

Things Not To Say To A Cop